…i’m exhausted. i don’t think i’ve been this tired in my whole life–not even when i was 8 months pregnant, four different times. (i say 8 months pregnant because i only made it to 9 months once thanks to my body’s misunderstanding of the 40 week gestastion period in humans–mine seems to think i’m a baboon. be quiet.)

the truth is…i’m angry. i’m angry and i can’t put my finger on why. oh, i could guess, but i don’t really know why. and now it’s affecting my sleep, thus making me more tired than i already am. i’ve had a headache in my teeth all week. what? you’ve never had one of those? well, then you really haven’t lived yet.

the truth is…i’m sick of exercising. i’ve been fiendishly working out since the 3rd grade and frankly, i’ve about had enough. i’ve mentioned this to a few people who know me really well, and they’ve all audibly gasped. and then they act like they don’t believe me. like i’m pulling their leg or something. well i’m not. the only thing i’m pulling right now is my own weight around here. and i’m over THAT too.

the truth is…i have an unhealthy obsession with celebrities. i mean, everyone knows they’re better than the rest of us, right? and if i could get one (just one!) to be friends with me, then that person would tell all the other celebrities (when they go to oprah’s house for sunday brunch) about how great and funny and cute i am and then they would be falling all over each other to try and get to me. and then my life would be perfect.

the truth is…i want to run away from home. not for good, people. please, can we contain the drama here? i mean just for a day–no, 3 days. three days to my absolute self would do the trick. then i would come home and be happy again. for about 30 minutes.

the truth is…sometimes i wish i was single. i can’t even remember what it’s like to NOT have someone fart under the covers the minute you slip under them. i can’t remember what life was like before i picked up boxer shorts off the floor, wiped chin hair out of the sink, or didn’t have to say, “can you please clip your toenails over the trash can?” maybe my problem isn’t that i’m married. maybe the problem is i’m married to a MAN. i knew i should have been a lesbian. besides, it’s so super cool to say it. “hey there, i’m shauna. nice to meet you. i like vaginas.” see? cool.

the truth is…i’m not as nice a person as people think.

the truth is…i’m actually a very good liar.

the truth is…i’m addicted to food. i get up in the morning and the first thing i think about is what food i’m going to shove in my face that day. and let me tell you–it ain’t lean cuisines and fruit. how fucking boring is that? no one likes eating lean cuisines and fruit and if they tell you that they do, well then they’re big fat liars.

the truth is…i make my decision on whether i like you or not during the first few minutes of meeting you. i can’t help it. and if you put off a negative vibe, that’s it for me. there are no mulligans. i’m just sayin.

the truth is…i love making people laugh. it fulfills me more than anything else. when you laugh when i make a joke, i want to make out with you–right there, on the spot. man, woman, grandpa, great aunt clara, dog, no matter. so please make sure your breath don’t stink.

the truth is…i like pleasing people. too much. and that, my friends, is my real problem. that’s why i’m angry and tired and have a headache in my teeth.

so i guess what i’m trying to say is…i think i might be the modern version of jesus–minus the “should have been a lesbian” part.

what do you think?