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If my dog made me a sandwich

So I was standing in my closet, getting dressed for the day.

I pulled on my favorite pair of jeans and noticed they were tight. Like too tight to button. And naturally I convinced myself that I couldn’t button them because they had just been washed. You know, cuz jeans totally shrink when you dry them. [...]

don’t hate me because i shave and use soap; and, why farm animals can’t resist me

you know how so many times i get on here and scream that i need an intervention?

well, this time i’m not kidding.

i need a intervention and i need it NOW.

i’ve known for some time that my scale is a f*%#!ing liar, but now my jeans are turning against me. where the blasted scale is [...]

when your poop is the prettiest shade of teal

the first week of school, ethan refused to wear anything other than his “uniform” which consists of a long sleeve under armour shirt and black polyester warmup pants…in hundred degree heat. he calls this outfit his tennis clothes and we all play along. so basically i’m an enabler. whatever. the very [...]