why certain people should not be allowed to procreate

when bad things happen to ceramic monkey mugs

January 5, 2009

this morning as i was making the bed for the 1 billlionth time, i wondered something. so i left the room to find tommy, sitting in a familiar spot at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the screen on his laptop. i walked over, stopped in front of him, placed my hands on my hips [...]

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seriously, there’s something wrong with me

December 19, 2008

here’s an actual letter i sent to my agent the other day. i didn’t realize how insane it sounded until after i’d already enclosed it with my manuscript and handed it to the lady at the ups store. yes, you heard me right. manuscript. don’t get too excited. it’s not a new story. it’s a [...]

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this takes the cake

December 17, 2008

i was just reading a story about a 3 year old boy who was denied by the local grocery store of having his cake decorated with his full name…which happens to be adolf hitler. in case you didn’t know this, hitler was a bad man–the worst. and really this kid’s parents shouldn’t be surprised at [...]

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i heart bob

December 10, 2008

so the other day my 13 year old and i went to barnes and noble. what you might not know about me is that on top of being super cool and hip, i’m also a huge dork. i’d heard an interview of bob newhart (yes, that bob newhart) on xm radio a few days before [...]

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why have i not heard about monkey prostitutes before now?

November 26, 2008

i’m afraid i’m becoming one of those angry, bitter women. you know, the ones who have a scowl permenantly fashioned on their faces? they constantly look like they’ve just swallowed something sour. well, my brow is furrowed as we speak. i don’t know what happened. one minute i was excited to come to the beach [...]

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if i’m going to hell, i’m taking my commemorative plate with me

November 23, 2008

we’re leaving today for florida. the whole lot of us. we’ll be there all week for the turkey holiday; also known as ‘the week i eat so much that i have to pull out my fat pants, but hey, that pumpkin pie sure was tasty.’ i guess i could NOT over eat/over indulge, but where’s [...]

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that’s what SHE said

November 13, 2008

it’s happening. my oldest daughter is about to start…..driving! she informed me that she is now eligible to sign up for driver’s ed. is it too late to shove her back up into my uterus? yeah, i thought so. she’s WAY bigger than me now. that would look weird. and it would be like the [...]

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if you’re looking for another word for asshole…

October 27, 2008

try *teenager.* ugh. can i just say that i loathe teenagers? and, unfortunately, i have expertise in the shark tank known as *teenager-dom.* and trust me, they all suck. and not like in a ‘oh, look, it’s a cute and cuddly post pubescent narcissist.’ no, it’s more like, someone grab me a rope and a [...]

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