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Word Up

this blog follows the life of a fictional character. i know, i know, it sounds like it could be true, and some of it is. but it's mostly WAY exaggerated and not meant to be taken seriously. i mean honestly, who would be THIS ridiculous in real life? also, no vaginas were harmed in the making of this blog. and lastly, this disclaimer is mostly bullshit also. but my therapist made me do it.

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Misc

Rodeos ain’t for pussies. Or really cute blonde women who are already on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

One of the highlights of living in Cowtown (Fort Worth, Texas) is the annual Fat Stock Show and Rodeo. It happens this time every year. That’s why it has “annual” in its name.

It’s a big deal around here. You even get a day off from school. It’s called Rodeo Day. But since most grown ups [...]

I'm afraid it's serious. I've got the DGs.

So the other day I had lunch with my dad and he asked me why I never talk about his side of the family. Because his family DOES offer a lot in the material department. But I told him I really don’t feel comfortable bagging his side of the family. I only feel OK doing [...]

When your penis itches

I have totally failed in the serving the family dinner department lately. Not that we’ve ever lived a sort of traditional family life (meaning my big strong husband goes to work while I stay home and roll socks into balls). No. It’s always been like an accidental phenomenon if I prepared a meal and served [...]

I'll show you hairy

Today is the first day I get to drive since having surgery a week ago. I must admit it was a little scary getting behind the wheel. Before I put the key in the ignition–which by the way, is a story in itself. Since I haven’t *used* the car in a week, I had NO [...]

Have you seen this girl?

MISSING!

Warning: This person may appear normal (meaning not insane)
but if you see her approach with caution
and with cupcakes
and wine
preferably white and of the Pinot Grigio kind
(No amount of cupcake and wine is too much)

This once attractive girl was last seen leaving her house
kicking and screaming–something indecipherable
but sounding much like
“Help me, these people are trying [...]

When you realize your kid is funnier than you–And she’s FOUR!

Some years back, I took my two oldest daughters, who were five and four at the time, to the hospital to visit my ailing grandfather.

During that time, the hospital was growing, which meant, construction–and lots of it. It took us nearly twenty minutes to maneuver through the side streets to reach the gated area marked [...]

why tommy wants me dead so he can marry shania twain (who’s single by the way)

did you know it’s virtually impossible to type without the use of your thumb? i’m finding this out the hard way. i…just moments ago…cut my right thumb trying to put a picture in a frame. i don’t recommend using a pair of scissors to try and do anything other than what they [...]

why people continue to suck and also surprise me

what is it with people (without kids) and their dislike of people (with kids). what? you were never a kid? you just showed up here on planet earth, a full grown douchey adult? i think not. although, you are douchey. bra-vo. *claps hands together and gives standing ovation*

my [...]

when bad things happen to ceramic monkey mugs

this morning as i was making the bed for the 1 billlionth time, i wondered something. so i left the room to find tommy, sitting in a familiar spot at the kitchen table, staring blankly at the screen on his laptop. i walked over, stopped in front of him, placed my hands on [...]

seriously, there’s something wrong with me

here’s an actual letter i sent to my agent the other day. i didn’t realize how insane it sounded until after i’d already enclosed it with my manuscript and handed it to the lady at the ups store.

yes, you heard me right. manuscript.

don’t get too excited. it’s not a new story. it’s a compilation of [...]