I have totally failed in the serving the family dinner department lately. Not that we’ve ever lived a sort of traditional family life (meaning my big strong husband goes to work while I stay home and roll socks into balls). No. It’s always been like an accidental phenomenon if I prepared a meal and served it at just what so happened to also be dinnertime.

I am progressive that way.

But sometimes, I feel a little guilty for not being that traditional kind of mom. But not guilty enough to change. That’s my tragedy. Or the part that makes me a genius.

So, because sometimes the guilt gets the better of me, this afternoon I laid out chicken breasts, broccolini, and stuff to make a salad. Very June Cleaverish if I do say so myself.

But then Tommy had a few errands to run and took the kids with him. Minutes later, he called to say he had accidentally driven by a McDonald’s and that the kids wanted that for dinner. Did I mind?

Did I mind?

Um….was this a trick question?

I ran to the kitchen, threw all the stupid healthy home cooked ingredients back in the fridge and said, “Heck yeah that’s fine! I’ll take a filet-o-fish.”

Because really? Nothing says American Family like Mickey D’s.

Fifteen minutes later, in walked the members of said American Family with bags of yummy smelling food—which included but was not limited to french fries and chocolate shakes.

And it was goooooood.

Note to self: Tomorrow when you’re standing in front of the mirror in your birthday suit weeping about your current physique, remember this moment. The moment where you looked at that fish sandwich in all its tartar saucy squareness and said, “Come to Mama.” And then proceeded to inhale it. Remember this.

So after the high of the french fries wore off, I went to the bathroom to wash off the day. Ethan knocked on the door a minute later, announcing he had to go potty. I opened the door to find him standing there, scratching his penis with his chicken nugget. I *wish* I could make this shit up.

My first thought was Holy Shit, This Is Awesome Gross.

And then I tweeted it (Because that’s what really disturbed people do—don’t judge me)

And then? I let him eat it.

So it turns out I’m not *that* mom, but THAT mom.

But don’t forget that I totally get credit for my original plan to cook dinner–pre McDonald’s. So… basically, it’s a wash, right?

Right?

Hey! I’m also at Aiming Low today. Click here to read about how Hanna Montana tried to kill me.

everyone knows i’m totally down with the gays. i have girlfriends who are gay and so far, not one of them has tried to have sex with me. but gay men on the other hand, well, i’m like a magnet. it’s like i hold some magical key to an imaginary candy store and they all want in. ok, let me translate that. gay men LOVE me. we get along splendidly. and i love their passion for…everything. the other day, however, i had a very unique and rather bizarre experience with a gay man. we’ll call him *zander*

i met zander and of course, it was immediately like i’d just found my long lost brother. we hit it off instantly. he even fluffed my hair. (no, that’s not code for something erotic, you sickos, he literally fluffed my hair–gay men do that. they will also touch your boobs to see if they’re real. it’s allowed, read the handbook)

anyway, after knowing him for about um…i’d say…2 hours, he turned to me, eyes all lit up, and asked, “do you want to see a picture of my penis? i have one on my cell phone.”

the man was giddy.

and i was speechless. on the one hand i wanted to run to the corner and curl up in the fetal position, and on the other i was fascinated and yes! i DID want to see a picture of his penis.

without too much pause i shouted, “ok! show me your penis!”

the other people in the room turned and looked at me when i said this, but it didn’t stop zander from asking the rest of the room, “do YOU ALL want to see a picture of my penis? it’s magnificent!”

you’ve never seen more frightened looks on people’s faces.

it was classic. i think i even snorted.

so anyway, i’m standing there with zander while he’s scrolling through his phone, looking for a picture of his magnificent penis. he finally finds it and before showing it to me says, “ok, so it’s not totally erect in this photo, but you’ll get the idea.”

and then he hands the phone to me.

because in uncomfortable situations i tend to ‘go with the flow’ i held the phone up to my face and stared at the screen before me. yep. it was a penis all right. i gasped. it was pretty amazing.

i smiled and handed the phone back to zander. he jumped around and asked, “so? what’d you think? i mean you can’t get the full effect and all…” and then i interrupted with, “because you weren’t fully erect. you said that.”

then he stood there, waiting for me to share my thoughts.

“oh, you’re right. that’s impressive. bra-vo.” and then i started clapping like a fucking seal–minus the seal noises.

i was congratulating him on his semi erect penis?

this was getting weird.

but he was thrilled. he slipped his phone in his front pocket and then grabbed me around the neck and squeezed. all i could think while we were hugging was, please don’t let me feel your magnificent penis against my leg. please, please, please, please…

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not to get too political or anything, but i just want to say one thing about gay marriage. if you don’t agree with it, don’t marry a gay person. other than that, mind your own. you think gay people who are married will confuse/screw up your children? you don’t have to worry about that. you’re doing that just fine on your own. you don’t need other people’s help. besides, look how well marriage between straight people is working.

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please, show someone a picture of your private parts today. it’s officially “show me your goods” wednesday.