friday i came home and tommy pulled me aside and said, “i bought you a present,” and the way he said it in that-hey, little girl, want some candy?-kind of way, i was sure i knew what kind of “present” he was talking about. i thought, he totally has a bow wrapped around his penis. and then i wanted to say, “thanks babe, but have you ever heard of a gift card?”
turns out, there was no curly ribbon wrapped penis, but there was a huge sack of sex toys sitting on the bed. and that’s when i realized, tommy needs a hobby.
he was excited to show them to me. he pulled them out of the bag, one by one, and explained how they worked. i looked at him and thought, who ARE you? he went on to tell me that the guy working at the sex shop had been helpful in assisting him on what to get. great. now tommy and random perverts and discussing the very essence of my va-jay-jay.
i laid out the fine array of accoutrement on the bed and wondered how i got here. we used to have sex without power tools, but somehow now, it’s me, tommy and the snugglepuss (which by the way is quite snuggly).
we took everything out of the packages and as i studied them up close, i hoped we wouldn’t burn our house down using these. how would i explain to our insurance company that the electricity from ‘jenna’s pleasure knob’ sparked a flame which lit the maximum-strength astroglide on fire?
i put the new loot in the safe next to the loot we already had in there and said to tommy, “if burglars ever broke in this safe, they would be very disappointed to find that we only have vibrators and lube.” he replied, “don’t forget about the porn.”
how pathetic are we?
so anyway, we had to rush off to my high school reunion (will post about THAT later) and i forgot to dispose of the bag that had all the boxes from all the goodies. it was still sitting on our bed and i knew that if harley and ethan saw it there, they would think it was stuff for them. tommy’s mom was here from out of town and had them out doing stuff together. panic set in as we were getting close to the place where the event was being held. it was too late to go back home. i had to think fast. i immediately called my friend from down the street and when she answered i said, “i don’t have time to talk. i need you to go to my house and in my room, there’s a huge sack that once had sex toys in it. don’t snicker. the empty boxes are in the bag. get rid of the bag before my mother in law gets back with my kids.” i didn’t have to say anything further. she said, “i’m on it!” and we hung up. disaster and therapy averted.
i don’t even want to think about how i would explain the snugglepuss or the tantric sex video to my six year old AND my mother in law.
{ 5 comments }
