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If my dog made me a sandwich

So I was standing in my closet, getting dressed for the day.

I pulled on my favorite pair of jeans and noticed they were tight. Like too tight to button. And naturally I convinced myself that I couldn’t button them because they had just been washed. You know, cuz jeans totally shrink when you dry them. [...]

letter to the people who are trying to kill me

dear ungrateful children who call me mother,

i know it seems like i’m here to serve your every whim, but let me be the first to set the record straight.

i HAVE to take care of you. i don’t necessarily WANT to…all the time, or on weekends, or during prime time television. we all make [...]

pissed on and pissed off

tommy hurt my feelings yesterday. we were leaving for a meeting with my new pr firm (they rock, by the way) and JOKINGLY i said, “well, if this writing/entertaining thing doesn’t work out, i can always go out and get a real job.

he chokes (unfortunately not to death) and then laughs and says, “doing what?”

i [...]