please don’t throw baby alligators at me

How well do you *really* know someone?

by Shauna on November 19, 2009

Here are some things about me you probably don’t know.

*My middle name is Rae. I’m named after my Uncle Ray, who when I was a child, convinced me he had a bear living in a tree in his front yard. I have been afraid of bears…and trees…and men named Ray ever since.

*I slept in the same bed with my two younger brothers until I was 14 years old. OK, 15. Because I was afraid to sleep by myself. And I only stopped then because my parents made me.

*In middle school, if the teachers gave no homework I would make up work to do because I loved doing homework. I would show my teachers the next day all the extra work I did. They thought it was odd. My mom swears to this day that I was never dropped on my head as a baby. I was just a school nerd.

*If I didn’t bleach or color my hair I’d be almost completely gray headed. It’s been this way since I was 28.

*One time when I went scuba diving I was nearly eaten by a grouper the size of a two bedroom apartment. I’ve never been able to look at a fish in the face again. Not even our pet Beta, Douglas. His beady little eyes scream “I will devour you!”

*When I was 15 I faked a stomach ache to get out of going to church camp and ended up having my appendix removed. DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER.

*My grandparents named my butt cheeks, Precious and Adorable. And they would fight over which cheek was cuter. I think this might explain a lot of what’s wrong with me.

*When I was in elementary school I used to cry because I wanted to be a boy. Not because I wished I had a penis, but because my mom wouldn’t let me play football in the front yard without my shirt on.

*I like going to the movies by myself so I can sit in the dark and eat a hot dog AND nachos AND popcorn without feeling like people are judging me.

*I’ve never won anything in my life–except a Cabbage Patch doll–when I was 12. And then Avitable ate it. Cuz he eats the fuck out of those.

*I’m terrified of going to the dentist. They have to practically drive to my house and pick me up for my appointment. And there are usually promises of candy if I behave for the doctor. I don’t normally make it through without crying…or behaving.

I think this pretty much sums it up. It all makes perfect sense now doesn’t it.

Weirdos need love too.

***Please keep Anissa in your thoughts. For updates on her condition, you can go here.

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Who needs a kidney?

by Shauna on August 6, 2009

In case you hadn’t heard, I will be swinging through Texas next week, appearing at different bookstores, pimping my book, Heaping Spoonful. (I’m pretty sure that was a run-on sentence. My copy editor is cringing at this very moment. Sorry Jenn)

I will be reading, signing, and answering your hard hitting questions. I’m hoping to get to say “vagina” at least once at each location.
Anyhoo, first up is Houston. I’ll be at Brazos Books on Monday, August 10, from 5:30-7:30. PLEASE come see me. I don’t want to show up and nobody be there. I’ll feel like the loser I am in real life. Pretty please? Would it help if I said I’d give you a kidney? But only if you really need it. Please don’t make up any “I need a kidney” stories. That would be kind of sad and pathetic. And quantities are limited. I only have 4 to give. So, make sure you’re one of the first 4 kidney needing people to show up.
Psst. Anyone else want to give up a kidney? I don’t really have 4 to give. I only have 1. Anybody? Please? It’s for a good cause. I need to sell books, er, I mean, help people–who need kidneys.
So.
Tuesday, August 11th I’ll be in Austin at Book People from 7:00-9:00pm. Again, could you please come out and say “Hi?” If I show up and no one comes, the book store owners are going to think I have no friends. And then they might throw eggs at me. Or baby alligators. You don’t want that, do you? Think of the alligators. That could be a traumatic experience for them. Being hurled into the air like that.
Austin, I’m counting on you.

Then on Thursday, August 13, I’ll be in Plano at Legacy Books from 7:00-9:00pm. I was there earlier today doing PR stuff and I looked up on the TV screen and saw this!
Look! It’s me! On the in-house TV monitor!
The author event coordinator told me it should be fun and that the crowds are usually really smart people and that they ask intelligent questions. Gulp. I told him he may want to get someone else to answer them. I’m not that smart. In fact, I’m quite sure I’m ridiculous.
Please come out and see me. Won’t you please? Does it sound like I’m begging? Cuz that’s the look I’m going for. You know you want to see how short I really am in person. I know I put off that I’m tall-ish and everything, but I’m almost a midget (no offense to actual midgets–PS. any complaints should be directed to my publicist, Drew Myers at drew@shaunaglenn.com)
Just kidding Drew.
Sorta.
Ok. see you next week! I’m very excited to meet all 11 of you. You totally rock. And remember, I’ve got kidneys to give out to the first 4 lucky people who need them (Doctor’s note required–Sorry, I know that sounds harsh, but you know how insurance companies are).

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