it’s raining here in florida. scratch that. it’s coming down so hard that the pounding rain woke me up. i was kind of glad to be startled out of my sleep because i was having the worst dream ever.

i dreamt i killed my grandmother—with a piece of zucchini. i beat her to death with it. don’t laugh. this isn’t funny.

after i bludgened her to death with the vegetable (by the way, i’ll never be able to eat zucchini and feel good about it again) i fled the scene and drove home. it’s not clear where i was when i did the killing, but i ended up at home just in time to watch ace of cakes on the food network. in my dream i was very concerned about missing the show. yep, apparently killing my favorite relative came second to missing my favorite food network program.

side note: dad, you know you’re my favorite MALE relative. mimi is my favorite OVERALL relative. good luck when the new poll comes out next week. maybe you’ll make the cut.

so anyway, back to my dream. i’m watching ace of cakes and my mom calls and screams, “mimi’s dead! someone has killed her!”

the woman was hysterical…and she was interrupting my show. i hit the pause button on my remote.

“mom!” i yelled back in the receiver, “it’s ok. i’m the one who did it. she was getting so annoying–what with her inability to hear and all. she refused (REFUSED!) to put in her hearing aids, saying something about them being uncomfortable or some shit like that. i just lost it. i’m so sorry. she was old, mom. she had a good run. it was time.”

in my dream my mom stopped screaming then and said, “oh, well if it was a family member that did it then i guess it’s ok. shoot. i already called the police. they’ll be here any minute. you better come back and explain what happened.”

before i could tell her i was too busy to deal with all that my front door burst open and cagney and lacey were standing in the doorway, yelling, “ok you freak, come out with your hands up!”

i turned around and said, “i’ll be there in a minute. i have to see if chef duff gets the linda blair exorcist cake finished in time for the big halloween party.”

and then the sound of the rain woke me up.

shheeewwwww. i’m glad that was just a dream. that’s the last time i eat pumpkin pie in bed right before i go to sleep. who knew pumpkins give you nightmares? and the bigger question: are cagney and lacey still alive?

now the rain has stopped now. dammit. i was hoping it would rain all morning so i would have an excuse for not exercising. i haven’t been to the gym or gone jogging in a week. apparently i took the holiday week off. what i didn’t do though was take the week off from pigging out.

you should see my ass.

talk about horrifying.

maybe the rain will start back up again just in time for me to eat my thanksgiving meal breakfast. do not turn your nose up at the idea of turkey and dressing in the morning. don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. it rocks. hey, wouldn’t turkey and dressing in the morning be a great radio show? i could be turkey and i’d say, “good morning everybody. you’re listening to turkey and dressing in the morning right here on KSUX.” it could so happen. no. one. steal. my. idea. k?

in the meantime, let’s play a little game. and for those of you who have played this recently, just suck it up and play again. (i never said i was original–all good ideas are stolen)

let’s see how many people we have do this. come on all you lookey loos who’ve never commented before. i know you’re out there. i can even tell you what city you live in. i have connections–or sitemeter.

anyway, this is fun and doesn’t require any original thought. so everyone can play!

here’s what you do. grab a book. any book. the closest one to you will work beautifully. turn to page 86. go to the 13th sentence and copy it on here.

i’ll start.

“i don’t fish,” she said. “i’m jewish. we’re not a fishing people.”

see? fun.

now it’s your turn.

and, GO!

we’re leaving today for florida. the whole lot of us. we’ll be there all week for the turkey holiday; also known as ‘the week i eat so much that i have to pull out my fat pants, but hey, that pumpkin pie sure was tasty.’ i guess i could NOT over eat/over indulge, but where’s the fun in that? plus i love complaining about how i gained 5 pounds and that my ass seems swollen and jiggles a lot more than normal. tommy loves it too. it’s up there on his list right next to his other favorite quirk of mine–the single black pube that grows out of my chin. go ahead, say it…i’m hot.

i saw him packing earplugs in his bag and at first i thought it was to drown out the kids’ yammering. but maybe…?

hmm. he may be getting smarter by the minute. that tommy.

anyhoo, the bad news is…we’re DRIVING 12 hours to get there! but hey, at least gas is affordable again right? all i can say is thank god for dvd players and fast food drive thrus. plus now i got my xm radio hooked up so i can listen to church sermons the whole way. see, i was told i need god in my life so i figure this is the fastest and best way to get him in there. i’ll just OD on goodness and light and threats that if i don’t surrender to jesus i’ll go to hell. it’s incredibly uplifting. god bless us everyone.

speaking of god blessing us, i just bought the newly minted commemorative plates with barack obama’s mug on it. the only bummer is that they limit you to 2. why? i think because rednecks and people who are fundamentally against change will use them for skeet practice. and that, my friends, is just wrong–but yet, mavericky. i’m keeping one for myself–i’ll be mounting it on the living room wall and the children will have to bow before it every time they pass. i think i might even surround it in neon twinkle lights–and the other one will go to someone who voted against him, thinks he’s the anti-christ, and who runs over puppies for fun. you know, grandma. but first i’ll have to remove the shotgun from under her bed. i can’t wait to see the look on her face when she opens it up at christmas. don’t worry, i’ll make sure she’s had her blood pressure medicine before i give it to her. plus i know cpr so it’s all good.

the funniest part is the commercial. oh my god. you must watch it. i’ve linked it here.

http://www.victoryplate.com/?directLoad&uid=6FCE8308C05055DED5AB2FA1FB00AE80

ok, so there you have it on this fine sunday morning. i’ll be passing through the great states of louisiana, mississippi, and alabama before arriving in santa rosa beach florida. i’ll be sure to honk and wave.

see you on the flip side.

the other day one of my cousins called and left a message on my voicemail. it basically said something like this. hey, i just got off the phone with mimi (our grandmother) and she wanted me to leave my address with you so you could tell it to her, so here it is. i thought, why didn’t she just get his address from him? they were already on the phone together. odd. so anyway, i scribbled it down and then dialed my grandmother’s number. she answered on the 8th ring.

“hello?”

“hey mim. i’m calling to give you case’s new address.”

“ok, let me get a pencil.” (side note: everything is a pencil. a pen is a pencil, a crayon is a pencil, a marker is a pencil, a pencil is a flamingo. just kidding. a pencil is a pencil. just making sure you’re paying attention)

she comes back to the phone. “ok, i’m ready.”

so i proceed. “2-1-0-8.”

she repeats. “2-1-0-8.”

then i say “vista. v…”

“z?”

“no, V. as in victor, victory, victorious.”

“s?”

“no. V. AS IN VIVIAN.”

“z?”

“NO. ok listen. VISTA. write these letters down. V-I-S…”

“z-r-l.”

my head begins to throb. “no mimi. let’s do something else. abcdefghijklmnopqrstuV!”

“z?”

“NO! do you know the alphabet?”

she laughs. “yes i know the alphabet.”

“then what comes after u?”

so she begins reciting the alphabet to me. she gets to the letter t and i swear to god she starts adding in letters that don’t exist in the english version of the alphabet. i say, “hold on, hold on. i’m not even sure what language you’re speaking. is that russian?”

“who?” she says.

ugh. “never mind. listen mimi. V. AS IN VIC-TOR-Y.

“v?”

YES! THAT’S IT! YOU GOT IT!

so she writes v. then i say, “i-s-t-a.”

she repeats it perfectly. awww. first word down. only 4 to go. next word. view. oh crap. there’s that fucking letter v again.

so i say, “the next word is view. v-i-e-w.”

“stream?”

“no. VIEW. like the show on tv in the morning with barbara walters?”

“i don’t watch that show.”

“you don’t have to watch it to know what it’s called. what’s the name of it?”

“oh, i don’t know. it’s got that black woman on there i don’t like. what’s her name?”

now i’m headed to the liquor cabinet. it’s 9 o’clock in the morning, but i don’t care. i suddenly feel the urge to do tequila shots. “whoopi goldberg?”

“yes, that’s the one. i’ve never liked her.”

“that’s great. what’s the show she’s on called?”

“the barbara walters’ show?”

“IT’S NOT CALLED THE BARBARA WALTERS’ SHOW. IT’S CALLED THE VIEW. VIEW. VIEW. VIEW.”

“i’m sorry, honey. i just can’t understand what you’re saying. maybe you should tell the address to your mama and she can tell me.”

“you think you’re gonna understand her better than me? we talk EXACTLY THE SAME. now listen to me woman. we are going to do this if it kills us.”

“ok.”

“you know the word you just wrote down?”

“yes.”

“ok, the second word starts with that same letter. V.”

“z?”

oh for the love of pete. it’s now clear why she wanted me to do this. i don’t have a gun in the house. most everone else in my family does. any one of them would have blown their brains out by now.

“t, u, V.”

“oh, v.”

“YES! that’s it! v-i-e-w.”

she repeats the letters exactly as i say them.

“oh, view. why that’s the name of that show barbara walters is on in the morning.”

“i know.”

“you know, i’ve never cared for that black woman that’s on there. what’s her name?”

i roll my eyes and let out a sigh. “whoopi goldberg.”

“yes, that’s it. i don’t think she’s funny.”

“i’m sure she’d be devastated to hear that.”

“what’s that?”

“i said, let me finish giving you this address before we miss the presidential election.”

she laughs, but i would bet a million dollars she has no idea what i said.

we get through the city, state and zip code with relatively few breakdowns in communication. it’s a good thing too. my faculties had all but left the building.

we talked a few minutes longer and then she said, “well, i better let you go. i need to go put in my hearing aids so i can hear worth a darn today.”

i interrupted her. “wait. you don’t have your hearing aids in?”

“no,” she said. “i usually wait until i’ve had a shower.”

“why didn’t you tell me…” and then i stopped. what would be the point? so the woman can’t hear. she’s 84 for christ’s sake! i hope to one day drive my own grandkids crazy.

we said goodbye and i checked the time. 10 o’clock. i hurried into the bedroom and turned on the barbara walters’ show. you know what? i don’t much care for whoopi goldberg either. my grandmother is right. she’s not very funny.