it’s raining here in florida. scratch that. it’s coming down so hard that the pounding rain woke me up. i was kind of glad to be startled out of my sleep because i was having the worst dream ever.
i dreamt i killed my grandmother—with a piece of zucchini. i beat her to death with it. don’t laugh. this isn’t funny.
after i bludgened her to death with the vegetable (by the way, i’ll never be able to eat zucchini and feel good about it again) i fled the scene and drove home. it’s not clear where i was when i did the killing, but i ended up at home just in time to watch ace of cakes on the food network. in my dream i was very concerned about missing the show. yep, apparently killing my favorite relative came second to missing my favorite food network program.
side note: dad, you know you’re my favorite MALE relative. mimi is my favorite OVERALL relative. good luck when the new poll comes out next week. maybe you’ll make the cut.
so anyway, back to my dream. i’m watching ace of cakes and my mom calls and screams, “mimi’s dead! someone has killed her!”
the woman was hysterical…and she was interrupting my show. i hit the pause button on my remote.
“mom!” i yelled back in the receiver, “it’s ok. i’m the one who did it. she was getting so annoying–what with her inability to hear and all. she refused (REFUSED!) to put in her hearing aids, saying something about them being uncomfortable or some shit like that. i just lost it. i’m so sorry. she was old, mom. she had a good run. it was time.”
in my dream my mom stopped screaming then and said, “oh, well if it was a family member that did it then i guess it’s ok. shoot. i already called the police. they’ll be here any minute. you better come back and explain what happened.”
before i could tell her i was too busy to deal with all that my front door burst open and cagney and lacey were standing in the doorway, yelling, “ok you freak, come out with your hands up!”
i turned around and said, “i’ll be there in a minute. i have to see if chef duff gets the linda blair exorcist cake finished in time for the big halloween party.”
and then the sound of the rain woke me up.
shheeewwwww. i’m glad that was just a dream. that’s the last time i eat pumpkin pie in bed right before i go to sleep. who knew pumpkins give you nightmares? and the bigger question: are cagney and lacey still alive?
now the rain has stopped now. dammit. i was hoping it would rain all morning so i would have an excuse for not exercising. i haven’t been to the gym or gone jogging in a week. apparently i took the holiday week off. what i didn’t do though was take the week off from pigging out.
you should see my ass.
talk about horrifying.
maybe the rain will start back up again just in time for me to eat my thanksgiving meal breakfast. do not turn your nose up at the idea of turkey and dressing in the morning. don’t knock it until you’ve tried it. it rocks. hey, wouldn’t turkey and dressing in the morning be a great radio show? i could be turkey and i’d say, “good morning everybody. you’re listening to turkey and dressing in the morning right here on KSUX.” it could so happen. no. one. steal. my. idea. k?
in the meantime, let’s play a little game. and for those of you who have played this recently, just suck it up and play again. (i never said i was original–all good ideas are stolen)
let’s see how many people we have do this. come on all you lookey loos who’ve never commented before. i know you’re out there. i can even tell you what city you live in. i have connections–or sitemeter.
anyway, this is fun and doesn’t require any original thought. so everyone can play!
here’s what you do. grab a book. any book. the closest one to you will work beautifully. turn to page 86. go to the 13th sentence and copy it on here.
i’ll start.
“i don’t fish,” she said. “i’m jewish. we’re not a fishing people.”
see? fun.
now it’s your turn.
and, GO!
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