loser

How well do you *really* know someone?

by Shauna on November 19, 2009

Here are some things about me you probably don’t know.

*My middle name is Rae. I’m named after my Uncle Ray, who when I was a child, convinced me he had a bear living in a tree in his front yard. I have been afraid of bears…and trees…and men named Ray ever since.

*I slept in the same bed with my two younger brothers until I was 14 years old. OK, 15. Because I was afraid to sleep by myself. And I only stopped then because my parents made me.

*In middle school, if the teachers gave no homework I would make up work to do because I loved doing homework. I would show my teachers the next day all the extra work I did. They thought it was odd. My mom swears to this day that I was never dropped on my head as a baby. I was just a school nerd.

*If I didn’t bleach or color my hair I’d be almost completely gray headed. It’s been this way since I was 28.

*One time when I went scuba diving I was nearly eaten by a grouper the size of a two bedroom apartment. I’ve never been able to look at a fish in the face again. Not even our pet Beta, Douglas. His beady little eyes scream “I will devour you!”

*When I was 15 I faked a stomach ache to get out of going to church camp and ended up having my appendix removed. DO NOT TELL MY MOTHER.

*My grandparents named my butt cheeks, Precious and Adorable. And they would fight over which cheek was cuter. I think this might explain a lot of what’s wrong with me.

*When I was in elementary school I used to cry because I wanted to be a boy. Not because I wished I had a penis, but because my mom wouldn’t let me play football in the front yard without my shirt on.

*I like going to the movies by myself so I can sit in the dark and eat a hot dog AND nachos AND popcorn without feeling like people are judging me.

*I’ve never won anything in my life–except a Cabbage Patch doll–when I was 12. And then Avitable ate it. Cuz he eats the fuck out of those.

*I’m terrified of going to the dentist. They have to practically drive to my house and pick me up for my appointment. And there are usually promises of candy if I behave for the doctor. I don’t normally make it through without crying…or behaving.

I think this pretty much sums it up. It all makes perfect sense now doesn’t it.

Weirdos need love too.

***Please keep Anissa in your thoughts. For updates on her condition, you can go here.

{ 38 comments }

puzzled

by Shauna on September 9, 2008

i’m such a loser. and no, i didn’t just figure this out. i’ve known it for some time, but i kept thinking that i could fake out everyone (including myself) if i just *appeared* cool.

ugh.

the writing community is a tough crowd to win over–and trying to become a member of the group is the worst! it’s like trying to hang out with the popular kids while wearing the clothes you got at goodwill. i keep smelling my armpits. maybe i have b.o?

i’m supposed to be writing a new book. i told myself when school started i would sit down in front of my computer for 4 hours a day until it was finished. know what i did last week? i worked a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle. yeah, i’m THAT girl.

today’s a new day. today’s the day i will finally sit down and begin writing. but what about? i have several ideas. i need someone to tell me what to do. there’s the young adult novel i have outlined called poppy marlow. or there’s the book of short stories that’s like a memoir. or i could write another fiction novel–of which i have no story.

but knowing me, this is how this day will go down. i’ll exercise, shower (by the way, haven’t showered in 2 or 3 days–most likely DO have b.o), and then make up shit to do so that i won’t have to write. maybe i’ll organize my side of the closet. it’s pretty bad. it definitely needs some attention. ooh, ethan doesn’t have school today. maybe i could take him to chuck e cheese.

side note: see how badly i don’t want to write? i’m offering to take ethan to the place i loathe most. do you know how bad that place smells? it’s totally disgusting. the only thing it had going for it was that they served beer (past tense). sigh. do you hear my cry for help? i need an intervention.

ok. i’m going to force myself to write today. i know that once i get started it will pour out of me so fast that my fingers won’t be able to type as fast as my brain is thinking. and i will officially be out of my funk.

side note: isn’t the word “funk” the weirdest word on the planet? it’s so bizarre that any time i use it, i stare at it and wonder how is that even a word? funk, funk, funk, funk, funk…see? weird.

side note: i think my dog just farted. oh god, the smell.

so that’s it. i’m going to begin the writing process today, no ifs, ands, or buts.

BUT, i just bought a new puzzle and i’m dying to start it. maybe i’ll just work on it for a few minutes and then i’ll seriously get serious about writing.

oh my god, my dog just farted again. i think i might vomit.

{ 2 comments }

the dentist and the dumb ass

July 29, 2008

about 3 weeks ago i got a popcorn kernel stuck in my tooth. i picked and flossed and picked some more until i was sure it was out. after a day or two, my gums swelled and my tooth hurt. fast forward to now, and i’m still reeling from the pain. so yesterday i went [...]

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