kids and why they should require batteries

that’s what SHE said

November 13, 2008

it’s happening. my oldest daughter is about to start…..driving! she informed me that she is now eligible to sign up for driver’s ed. is it too late to shove her back up into my uterus? yeah, i thought so. she’s WAY bigger than me now. that would look weird. and it would be like the [...]

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when your mexican holiday goes wrong

November 3, 2008

all i wanted was the day off. it started out ok. it was early morning. everyone was asleep and i decided to catch up on the few episodes of oprah i’d missed. i was 10 minutes into last friday’s show when tommy came in the room and said, “wanna go to breakfast with me?” “what [...]

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to kill a mocking boy

October 28, 2008

um, let’s say you walk in the living room to find your adorable 3 year old son with his pants down to his ankles, peeing on the coffee table–right on your favorite art book, presumably ruining it. do you: a. gasp, then clutch your chest in true fred sanford fashion. b. applaud his efforts yelling, [...]

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if you’re looking for another word for asshole…

October 27, 2008

try *teenager.* ugh. can i just say that i loathe teenagers? and, unfortunately, i have expertise in the shark tank known as *teenager-dom.* and trust me, they all suck. and not like in a ‘oh, look, it’s a cute and cuddly post pubescent narcissist.’ no, it’s more like, someone grab me a rope and a [...]

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my own personal natural disaster

September 29, 2008

it appears hurricane ethan swept through our house this weekend. the damage was not only destructive but very expensive. saturday morning i went to e’s room to help him get dressed. that’s when i found him standing in the middle of his room, peeing on the carpet. i screamed, “aaaahhhh,” and followed up with “what [...]

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scrapbooking while watching midget porn

September 16, 2008

first off, yes, i’m ok. i haven’t died, changed my identity and moved away, or forgotten about you. i’ve just been off. uninspired. material-less. humor challenged. whatever you want to call it–that’s me. so thank you all for the emails that basically read like this: HEY! WHAT THE FUCK? WHEN YOU GONNA BLOG? well, my [...]

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and the winner is…

August 29, 2008

wow. i had some great entries in the ‘most embarrassing kid moment’ contest. i was relieved to find out that i’m not the only one who, on a regular basis, is horrified in public. it was hard to decide, but here are my top two. the runner up is Teri. here is her story… This [...]

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