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One of the highlights of living in Cowtown (Fort Worth, Texas) is the annual Fat Stock Show and Rodeo. It happens this time every year. That’s why it has “annual” in its name. It’s a big deal around here. You even get a day off from school. It’s called Rodeo Day. But since most grown ups [...] So I was standing in my closet, getting dressed for the day. I pulled on my favorite pair of jeans and noticed they were tight. Like too tight to button. And naturally I convinced myself that I couldn’t button them because they had just been washed. You know, cuz jeans totally shrink when you dry them. [...] So I’m in the middle of writing a new book. And so far, I love it. Every day I can’t wait to start working on it again. But there’s something keeping me from getting as far as I’d like…. *knock at the door* Yes? Who is it? It’s me, Mom. Riley. What do you need? I’m working. I need $10 [...] what is it with people (without kids) and their dislike of people (with kids). what? you were never a kid? you just showed up here on planet earth, a full grown douchey adult? i think not. although, you are douchey. bra-vo. *claps hands together and gives standing ovation* my [...] conversation i just had with the e-man: e: “mommy, my butt hurts. will you put your finga in it?” me, sighing heavily: “what do you mean ‘put my finger in it?’” e: “it itches. stick your finga in my butt and scatch it.” me: “wait. i thought you said it hurts. now it itches? make up your mind dude.” e: [...] i’m afraid i’m becoming one of those angry, bitter women. you know, the ones who have a scowl permenantly fashioned on their faces? they constantly look like they’ve just swallowed something sour. well, my brow is furrowed as we speak. i don’t know what happened. one minute i was excited to come to [...] dear ungrateful children who call me mother, i know it seems like i’m here to serve your every whim, but let me be the first to set the record straight. i HAVE to take care of you. i don’t necessarily WANT to…all the time, or on weekends, or during prime time television. we all make [...] it’s happening. my oldest daughter is about to start…..driving! she informed me that she is now eligible to sign up for driver’s ed. is it too late to shove her back up into my uterus? yeah, i thought so. she’s WAY bigger than me now. that would look weird. and it would be like the world’s worst wedgie. people [...] all i wanted was the day off. it started out ok. it was early morning. everyone was asleep and i decided to catch up on the few episodes of oprah i’d missed. i was 10 minutes into last friday’s show when tommy came in the room and said, “wanna go to breakfast with [...] um, let’s say you walk in the living room to find your adorable 3 year old son with his pants down to his ankles, peeing on the coffee table–right on your favorite art book, presumably ruining it. do you: a. gasp, then clutch your chest in true fred sanford fashion. b. applaud his efforts yelling, “bravo. bravo!” c. critique [...] |
 
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