going to hell for sure this time

if i’m going to hell, i’m taking my commemorative plate with me

by Shauna on November 23, 2008

we’re leaving today for florida. the whole lot of us. we’ll be there all week for the turkey holiday; also known as ‘the week i eat so much that i have to pull out my fat pants, but hey, that pumpkin pie sure was tasty.’ i guess i could NOT over eat/over indulge, but where’s the fun in that? plus i love complaining about how i gained 5 pounds and that my ass seems swollen and jiggles a lot more than normal. tommy loves it too. it’s up there on his list right next to his other favorite quirk of mine–the single black pube that grows out of my chin. go ahead, say it…i’m hot.

i saw him packing earplugs in his bag and at first i thought it was to drown out the kids’ yammering. but maybe…?

hmm. he may be getting smarter by the minute. that tommy.

anyhoo, the bad news is…we’re DRIVING 12 hours to get there! but hey, at least gas is affordable again right? all i can say is thank god for dvd players and fast food drive thrus. plus now i got my xm radio hooked up so i can listen to church sermons the whole way. see, i was told i need god in my life so i figure this is the fastest and best way to get him in there. i’ll just OD on goodness and light and threats that if i don’t surrender to jesus i’ll go to hell. it’s incredibly uplifting. god bless us everyone.

speaking of god blessing us, i just bought the newly minted commemorative plates with barack obama’s mug on it. the only bummer is that they limit you to 2. why? i think because rednecks and people who are fundamentally against change will use them for skeet practice. and that, my friends, is just wrong–but yet, mavericky. i’m keeping one for myself–i’ll be mounting it on the living room wall and the children will have to bow before it every time they pass. i think i might even surround it in neon twinkle lights–and the other one will go to someone who voted against him, thinks he’s the anti-christ, and who runs over puppies for fun. you know, grandma. but first i’ll have to remove the shotgun from under her bed. i can’t wait to see the look on her face when she opens it up at christmas. don’t worry, i’ll make sure she’s had her blood pressure medicine before i give it to her. plus i know cpr so it’s all good.

the funniest part is the commercial. oh my god. you must watch it. i’ve linked it here.

http://www.victoryplate.com/?directLoad&uid=6FCE8308C05055DED5AB2FA1FB00AE80

ok, so there you have it on this fine sunday morning. i’ll be passing through the great states of louisiana, mississippi, and alabama before arriving in santa rosa beach florida. i’ll be sure to honk and wave.

see you on the flip side.

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monster cakes, psychotic women and men wearing makeup, or just another saturday

by Shauna on November 12, 2008

ellen on set, going over the interview questions
that’s me, behind the cake. don’t i look skinny?

me, cutting into the cake, on air, while talking. this takes skill.

me, talking seriously, about cake. not really, i was talking about the charity, feed the children.
SO, last friday i didn’t sleep much. i was nervous about looking like a douche on tv, but i was more afraid that i would sleep in and not get up on time. this happens to me any time i HAVE to be somewhere. so instead of getting my required 8 hours, i got about 4, with speckles of restless sleep in between.
my friend ellen came over (hi ellen!) around 5:45 and we carefully loaded a three tiered monstrosity of a cake into the back of my car. see, that was part of the gig. i had to take a sample of one of the cakes being raffled off up to the station so that it could be on tv as well. the scary part was this cake was crazy huge and insanely heavy. that’s another reason i didn’t sleep. i was worried i would drop it during transport and then i would have pissed off bakery people putting hits out on me for ruining their big television debut. no pressure there.

but i didn’t have to worry. ellen was there and if anything went down, i was prepared to place all the blame on her. bad ellen.
lucky for her, we (er i mean she) didn’t drop the cake.

the other issue with the ginormous cake was that it was ginormous and wouldn’t fit in my refrigerator. thank god it was sort of cool that night so i PLACED IT ON TOP OF TOMMY’S CAR IN THE GARAGE overnight so that it wouldn’t melt and go from its theme of being “santa’s workshop” to “massacre at the north pole.” i got up several times during the night to check on it.

we got there, hoisted the cake on our shoulders (ok, maybe we used a rolling cart) and placed the cake on set without incident. thank god.

and thank god i wore a dark colored shirt because by now, i had massive pit stains from sweating. now i was nervous about sounding like an idiot–and looking fat on tv. not to worry, they had me positioned behind the steroid cake so all you saw was the top of my shoulders and my head. i never looked skinnier. except now when i go back and see myself i’m wondering, ‘is my head bigger than normal?’

i had 25 minutes to wait before going on and the genius in me (don’t know where that came from actually–maybe a smart person lives somewhere deep, deep inside me and only comes out if there’s cake?) asked to see the list of interview questions–you know, so i wouldn’t be stumped by anything. because really, this wasn’t my event to pimp. i had to study up on what i was promoting so i wouldn’t look completely ridiculous. it’s a good thing i asked to see the list of questions because the first one had me scratching my head. WHAT ARE THE BAKERIES BATTLING FOR? i hadn’t the slightest. world peace? universal domination? monopoly on the enriched flour market?
so i pulled the producer man aside and told him as much. and then after he stared at me for a minute i had to explain that i was just the chimp who was sent to do the dirty work–that i really had no idea what i was saying. the whore had been whored out. he stood there for a second and got a strange look on his face. then he nodded as if he understood (and then he backed away from me about 4 feet). he clearly thought i was deranged.
i wanted to tell him to relax, that i wasn’t crazy and that really deep down i was as normal as his next door neighbor–if his neighbor had 4 kids and an addiction to pinot grigio and resembled a crazy person. completely normal.
he did, however, scratch through that question as he walked away, talking to himself. he was probably going to call security.
good idea. you never know when some psycho will show up at the station at 6am on a saturday and wreak havoc.
at the next commercial break, i was on. i gave ellen the thumbs up and walked on the set. this was it. this was the moment where i’d either be the hero, or the zero. it was anyone’s game.
i chatted with the anchor, who was very nice. there was something different about him. i couldn’t put my finger on it. oh, wait a minute. now i see. he was wearing more makeup than I was!
don’t stare. don’t stare. don’t get distracted. don’t get distracted. what was i here for again?
and then, action!
the interview went splendidly. i sort of took over, like i do with most things. ask my family.
and zip, boom, bam, it was over like that.
i was a sweaty mess. my palms were wet, my pits were flooding. but i’d made it.
i must say, i quite liked being on tv. maybe i’ll even have my own show someday. and maybe there’ll even be cake.
but not like cake i’m responsible for. that will be some other schmuck’s job.
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in search of the perfect voo doo doll; or, why violence is sometimes the answer

October 22, 2008

ok, so you how much it pains me to get on here and bitch about tommy. i hate doing it, really i do. but my therapist insists that i get my emotions out of my body and in the open so i can deal with them. (actually, i think what he had in mind was [...]

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that karma, she’s a bitch

October 18, 2008

i should have known the week would go badly when we got home from our relaxing anniversary weekend to sick kids. ethan had fever and was generally pissy and harley woke up in the middle of the night and puked all over me. the worst part was i never saw it coming so i couldn’t [...]

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buddhist wannabe

October 10, 2008

the other day i was with nazi trainer. we’re not working out together anymore–now he works on the various parts of me that are strained/tight/hurting. apparently there is such a thing as working out too much. so he’s taken it upon himself to *fix* me. oh, also he thinks the name ‘nazi trainer’ no longer [...]

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looks like i’m going to test the theory that god has a sense of humor

August 14, 2008

well, i did it. i just opened a t-shirt shop on cafe press and created ‘i like my jesus to party’ t-shirts. click here to go the site and order YOURS today. come on, you know you want one.

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