you know how you think you know someone, but then that someone tells you things about her that you never knew which leads you to believe you didn’t know that person at all?
welcome to “things about me you didn’t know–until now.”
*when i have conversations with myself, it’s always in a british accent. i don’t know why, but it makes me feel important and less ridiculous.
*the toilet paper HAS to be placed correctly on the holder–with the sheets coming over the top. i change it in public bathrooms (if it allows me to) and at other people’s houses. why doesn’t anyone but me know the correct way to install toilet paper? the worst? my mother. she has it wrong in every bathroom in her house. it takes me a good 10 minutes, going from bathroom to bathroom, to fix the problem.
*i fully believe a person could live on pie alone. chicken pot pie, boston cream pie (although it’s more like cake with cream filling), coconut cream pie, chocolate pie, frito pie, and apple pie. i believe all the major food groups are represented here, don’t you?
*if you and i are alone in a room, at some point i’m going to have the urge to fart. i don’t know why this happens to me but it does. every. single. time. i have to really concentrate and squeeze my butt cheeks together to keep one from slipping out. maybe you make me gassy?
*when i go to church, i wonder what keeps me from standing up in the middle of the sermon and screaming out something about satan and then running through the aisles with my hands and fingers pointed up near my head like devil horns. i’ve never understood how that doesn’t happen. what keeps a person from doing that? could it be self control? or a fear of earning yourself a room in the insane asylum?
*every situation becomes the first sentence of my “next” novel. for example: if a car pulls out and nearly hits me, the book opens, it was beautiful the day i died. it had been raining just hours before but now the sun had peeked out from behind the clouds. there was singing. i remember the singing. it was the sound of birds and they seemed to be rejoicing in the new day. or maybe they were just glad that i was dead now so i wouldn’t make up stupid sentences for ridiculous books i’ll never write.
*every time tommy reads over my shoulder (like he just did before i shooed him away) i want to stab him with a fork. not in any place that would him kill him–maybe in his thigh or on the top of his foot–just a little something to show him that i’m serious about this. don’t read over my shoulder, k? you might get forked.
*i believe that celebrities are better than everyone else. that’s why i want to be one. i want to finally get the respect i deserve….from myself?
*the first thing i notice about a woman is her handbag. the first thing i notice about a man is his hairline.
*i have trouble going #2 in public. i prefer going at home. so i find myself holding it a lot of the time. could this be why i’ve been constipated most of my adult life? the reason i can’t go in public mostly has to do with my fear that someone is in the next stall taking notes. notes about what? i don’t know. i didn’t say it was a rational fear.
*my 2 favorite jokes of all time are nonsense jokes. i heard them when i was in high school and have relished their awesomeness ever since. side note: i love using the word ‘relish’ in a non-hotdog way. it makes me feel cool.
ok, so here they are. remember, they’re nonsense jokes.
#1: how many pancakes does it take to roof a dollhouse? (then you hold up your hands) about a watermelon this color.
#2: there are 2 penguins sitting in a bathtub. one penguin says to the other, “would you pass me the soap?” the second penguin says, “what do you think i am? a radio?”
see, they’re funny and you don’t exactly know why. genius.
*i believe that the apple iphone will save the world. will it cure hunger? disease? illiteracy? poverty? tension between countries? probably. i bet the folks over at apple are tirelessly working on solving these problems as we speak.
and there you have it. this is me in a nutshell. now it’s your turn. tell us something we don’t know about YOU.
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