everyone knows i’m totally down with the gays. i have girlfriends who are gay and so far, not one of them has tried to have sex with me. but gay men on the other hand, well, i’m like a magnet. it’s like i hold some magical key to an imaginary candy store and they all want in. ok, let me translate that. gay men LOVE me. we get along splendidly. and i love their passion for…everything. the other day, however, i had a very unique and rather bizarre experience with a gay man. we’ll call him *zander*
i met zander and of course, it was immediately like i’d just found my long lost brother. we hit it off instantly. he even fluffed my hair. (no, that’s not code for something erotic, you sickos, he literally fluffed my hair–gay men do that. they will also touch your boobs to see if they’re real. it’s allowed, read the handbook)
anyway, after knowing him for about um…i’d say…2 hours, he turned to me, eyes all lit up, and asked, “do you want to see a picture of my penis? i have one on my cell phone.”
the man was giddy.
and i was speechless. on the one hand i wanted to run to the corner and curl up in the fetal position, and on the other i was fascinated and yes! i DID want to see a picture of his penis.
without too much pause i shouted, “ok! show me your penis!”
the other people in the room turned and looked at me when i said this, but it didn’t stop zander from asking the rest of the room, “do YOU ALL want to see a picture of my penis? it’s magnificent!”
you’ve never seen more frightened looks on people’s faces.
it was classic. i think i even snorted.
so anyway, i’m standing there with zander while he’s scrolling through his phone, looking for a picture of his magnificent penis. he finally finds it and before showing it to me says, “ok, so it’s not totally erect in this photo, but you’ll get the idea.”
and then he hands the phone to me.
because in uncomfortable situations i tend to ‘go with the flow’ i held the phone up to my face and stared at the screen before me. yep. it was a penis all right. i gasped. it was pretty amazing.
i smiled and handed the phone back to zander. he jumped around and asked, “so? what’d you think? i mean you can’t get the full effect and all…” and then i interrupted with, “because you weren’t fully erect. you said that.”
then he stood there, waiting for me to share my thoughts.
“oh, you’re right. that’s impressive. bra-vo.” and then i started clapping like a fucking seal–minus the seal noises.
i was congratulating him on his semi erect penis?
this was getting weird.
but he was thrilled. he slipped his phone in his front pocket and then grabbed me around the neck and squeezed. all i could think while we were hugging was, please don’t let me feel your magnificent penis against my leg. please, please, please, please…
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not to get too political or anything, but i just want to say one thing about gay marriage. if you don’t agree with it, don’t marry a gay person. other than that, mind your own. you think gay people who are married will confuse/screw up your children? you don’t have to worry about that. you’re doing that just fine on your own. you don’t need other people’s help. besides, look how well marriage between straight people is working.
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please, show someone a picture of your private parts today. it’s officially “show me your goods” wednesday.
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