desperately seeking human interaction

I asked Tommy, “What’s that word for that really bad thing that’s going to happen one day? You know, the alien invasion thing?” And he says, “The Apocalypse?” And I’m all “YES!”

November 12, 2009

I’d like to think I’m a simple girl. I mean, I grew up eating spam sandwiches and spaghetti out of a box for Christ’s sake. I’m not asking for a lot. (Shut up) What I really want more than anything? A TV that turns on and off, has channel up and down, and volume control. [...]

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the jawbreaker (and the douchebag who forgot to bring money to the candy store)

December 16, 2008

WARNING: all you uptight people might want to stay away from the post today. grandmothers and children under the age of 25 need to leave the room immediately cuz we’re getting down and dirty. how many times must we preach this? are you not listening? or maybe you don’t think we know what the hell [...]

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magnificent penis

November 19, 2008

everyone knows i’m totally down with the gays. i have girlfriends who are gay and so far, not one of them has tried to have sex with me. but gay men on the other hand, well, i’m like a magnet. it’s like i hold some magical key to an imaginary candy store and they all [...]

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monster cakes, psychotic women and men wearing makeup, or just another saturday

November 12, 2008

ellen on set, going over the interview questions that’s me, behind the cake. don’t i look skinny? me, cutting into the cake, on air, while talking. this takes skill. me, talking seriously, about cake. not really, i was talking about the charity, feed the children. SO, last friday i didn’t sleep much. i was nervous [...]

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that karma, she’s a bitch

October 18, 2008

i should have known the week would go badly when we got home from our relaxing anniversary weekend to sick kids. ethan had fever and was generally pissy and harley woke up in the middle of the night and puked all over me. the worst part was i never saw it coming so i couldn’t [...]

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what is wrong with this picture?

September 2, 2008

the picture you’re about to see is not only disturbing, but also sad and pathetic. here is my dad, sitting alone in his house, watching the tcu football game WITH HIS IMAGINARY FELLOW FANS. how sad/bizarre/humiliating/downright weird is that? when i asked him about this obvious cry for help, he merely said, “i do this [...]

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