MISSING!
Warning: This person may appear normal (meaning not insane)
but if you see her approach with caution
and with cupcakes
and wine
preferably white and of the Pinot Grigio kind
(No amount of cupcake and wine is too much)
This once attractive girl was last seen leaving her house
kicking and screaming–something indecipherable
but sounding much like
“Help me, these people are trying to kill me”
which is totally ridiculous if not completely true
She answers to the name Shauna, but has many aliases
including Bitch, Mommy, and Hey Lady You Can’t Drink At High School Football Games
Her hair is blonde with gray-ish roots
Her smile is forced
Her eyes, glazed over
She will probably get in the car with you if you tell her you have Xanax.
Please help us find her so we can put her away love her more.
PS. You can also see me over at Aiming Low today. It’s a new, original story you’ve never read. I know this because I wrote it yesterday. And also? Leave a comment over there so they’ll think I’m important. I’m trying to impress them with my made up popularity.
PPS. My kids got me sick. Which is totally awesome. Because nothing says “We love you Mommy” like a virus.
PPPS. I’m serious about wanting a cupcake. You never joke about a thing like that. It could get you stabbed.
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