i’m up early…on a saturday…when i don’t have to be. and you know why?
tommy’s fart alarm went off and scared the bejesus out of me. i swear to god it was as loud as a bull horn.
needless to say it’s hard for one to go back to sleep after one’s heart leaps out of one’s chest and flies across the room and splats against the wall.
in case you’re wondering i’m the “one” in this scenario and the only “one” that counts.
i sat up in the bed, trying to recover from what i thought was our house being bombed.
tommy asked, “you awake?”
since it was obvious i was awake i didn’t answer. i just got out of the bed.
“where you going?” he asked.
“to call a divorce lawyer,” i said behind me in his direction.
he laughed.
and joined me in the kitchen a few mintutes later.
now he’s clearing his throat and snorting snot.
it’s a beautiful thing.
so yesterday we got a babysitter and drove to dallas to have dinner with a friend who just moved here from the bay area. i had really been looking forward to attending a grown up dinner. on the drive over i noticed something i hadn’t noticed before. tommy does this thing where he reads signs to me.
we were cruising along and he offered, “bob’s hickory house. jerky the way you like it.”
first i said, “huh?” it made no sense to me. especially since we’d been talking about how the stock market faired that day. so i said, “what’d you say?”
“that sign back there. i was reading it.”
“oh.”
then a minute later i was telling a story about harley’s last day of school before the break and he busted in with, “laser hair removal. be the person you want to be for only $99.”
side note: if only it was that easy.
now, back to the story.
what the fuck was going on here? why was he reading billboards to me?
so i stopped talking. he didn’t seem to notice. he just kept reading road signs.
after another 10 minutes of this i jumped in with, “nue 328.”
“tyv 879.”
he turned to me and said, “what are you saying?”
“oh, i’m reading the license plates off the cars as they pass us. illuminating conversation, isn’t it? i mean it’s really interesting stuff. don’t you think?”
he turned away and muttered, “asshole,” under his breath.
i didn’t care.
he stopped reading to me.
mission accomplished.
now all i have to do is beat him at farting and snot snorting and i’ve won. yes, i’ll win the award for most annoying person on the planet. it’ll be a difficult challenge since tommy is the world champ 3 years running, but i’m up for the task.
wish me luck.
do your mate a favor today. read the road signs while you’re in the car. he/she will LOVE it.
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