Hello, and thank you for stopping by. If you stick around long enough, you’ll probably hear me say the word vagina (but only really positive things about it) and you’ll also learn about my sick fascination with midget porn. I have never actually watched midget porn, but in my head it’s hysterical. I don’t know why I think this is so funny— and neither does my therapist.
I am an author, columnist, blogger, and mother to four children (yes 4!) and spend a lot of my time saying, “Ethan, please stop licking the dog!” My therapist says it’s totally normal for a three year old to behave this way, but that it’s not okay for me to. On what planet is this fair? He gets to lick the dog and everything’s hunky dory but I do it and there’s something wrong with me?
I also have two older teenage daughters, who, if you happen to swim in the shark tank known as teenagerdom, know how difficult they can be. It’s like one minute they’re okay and then next thing you know, they turn into evil two-headed monster aliens from the planet Yousuck. I don’t get it. And I sure as heck know that if I had acted like them when I was their age I would have been knocked into next week. Wait a minute. I may be having a break through. I WAS knocked into next week a couple of times when I was younger. It’s all coming back to me now. Maybe this explains my obsession with midget porn. Note to self: call therapist immediately and let him know about this latest development.
Rounding out the crew is my sweet six year old daughter—the easiest one in the bunch (and probably the one who’s going to need the most therapy).
My life is crazy, my will strong. And by strong you understand what I mean is that most days—scratch that—every day is Pinot Grigio day. Wine became my best friend and soul sister shortly after my second child was born. The grocery store I frequent has a hard time keeping enough on the shelves for my liking.
Most days you can find me on the Internet, blogging about my husband’s Neanderthal ways, my kids’ personal vendetta against me, and the plight of the vagina (and not necessarily in that order). I also write a monthly column called Parental Guidance Suggested in Fort Worth Texas magazine. My first fiction novel, Heaping Spoonful, came out in July 2008 and is available on Amazon or at Barnes and Noble. In fact, if you buy my book, I’ll give you one of my kidneys, but only if you presently don’t have one. Oh yeah, that’s another thing about me—I’m a giver. You’re welcome.
So what do you think? You totally love me, right?
