I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I have girl crushes. It doesn’t mean I’m gay, and even if it did, worse things could happen. I mean I could be my cousin and bet family members 5 billion dollars that Jimmy Buffett was Warren Buffett’s son (and totally BELIEVE IT) and completely humiliate myself in the process. But that’s not what this story is about and I promised I wouldn’t mention that whole thing on the Internet anyway.
Like in the late 70′s I had the biggest crush on Kristy McNichol.
I loved everything about her: her freckle-face, her husky voice, and her tomboy-ish personality, but was super jealous when she got to be on TV with Matt Dillon. It was a total love/hate relationship between us. My crush blossomed into full blown love when my friend, Mark, told me I looked like her. I grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled in his face, “Don’t say that unless you really mean it OH MY GOD.” Apparently Mark was not aware that I was Kristy McNichol’s number one fan slash stalker. Nor would he sit by me at lunch after that. Whatever Mark, and thanks!
In the 90′s I was all about Jennifer Aniston. I got the Rachel haircut, naturally, and convinced myself we looked so much alike it was hard to tell us apart. When she and Brad Pitt got divorced and I was all TEAM JENNIFER! and my brother was like, “You’re 34. Don’t you think you’re too old to be wearing that T-shirt?” He was right. It probably was a little too over the top to be sporting a Team Jen tank top to my kid’s soccer game. But you guys, Brangelina totally fucked her over. Someone had to stand up for her. Why not me? I mean, the only reason we weren’t best friends was because we’d never officially met in person. That’s just a minor detail if you ask me.
I skipped the 80′s because I wanted to save it for last. My girl crush of the 80′s happens to be making a comeback. You know who I’m talking about, don’t you. I could only be referring to Elisabeth Shue. When I was 14 The Karate Kid came out and I took one look at Elisabeth Shue on screen and was like, Sorry Kristy McNichol, you’ve just been replaced. I loved her smile and her hair and oh my god she had the biggest boobs! And they were totally real because implants hadn’t been invented yet or if they had, I’d never heard of them so that’s like the same thing. Then there was The Adventures in Babysitting and my favorite Elisabeth Shue movie, Cocktail. She was stunning. And rich. And with Tom Cruise (before Tom Cruise went crazy pants). The ultimate trifecta.
After those few movies it seemed like she just fell off the planet. In hindsight, those were probably the years she was having babies and raising a family, but since I’m not privy to her private life, I’d just assumed she’d met some tragic cinematic demise.
So you can imagine my elation when I saw the poster for the new movie, Hope Springs. I read the cast of characters: Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Steve Carell, ELISABETH SHUE…
Holy crap, she was back! Let the love fest begin!!
My mom and I went to the first showing on the opening day. This was it. Elisabeth Shue was back and I couldn’t wait to see her on screen for the first time in what, 20 years?
At one point Meryl Streep walks into a bar and who do you think is the bartender? Elisabeth Shue! I thought, OK, they’re going to start talking and hit it off and then leave together and go shopping and have dinner and possibly a sleepover and become best friends and end the movie leading you to believe there’s going to be a sequel about their unconventional friendship.
That’s not what happened at all.
The bar scene is about a minute and forty-two seconds long and ends with Meryl Streep getting tanked on white wine. Elisabeth Shue says less than a hundred words and then you never see her again. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.
But I did learn a very valuable lesson: I think I’m too old to have crushes on girls.
Am I the only one who has girl crushes and do you think this means I’m gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But do you?