Self Realization Monday: I’m too old to have crushes on girls

by Shauna on August 13, 2012

I’m not afraid to admit that sometimes I have girl crushes. It doesn’t mean I’m gay, and even if it did, worse things could happen. I mean I could be my cousin and bet family members 5 billion dollars that Jimmy Buffett was Warren Buffett’s son (and totally BELIEVE IT) and completely humiliate myself in the process. But that’s not what this story is about and I promised I wouldn’t mention that whole thing on the Internet anyway.

Like in the late 70′s I had the biggest crush on Kristy McNichol.

I loved everything about her: her freckle-face, her husky voice, and her tomboy-ish personality, but was super jealous when she got to be on TV with Matt Dillon. It was a total love/hate relationship between us. My crush blossomed into full blown love when my friend, Mark, told me I looked like her. I grabbed him by the shoulders and yelled in his face, “Don’t say that unless you really mean it OH MY GOD.” Apparently Mark was not aware that I was Kristy McNichol’s number one fan slash stalker. Nor would he sit by me at lunch after that. Whatever Mark, and thanks!

In the 90′s I was all about Jennifer Aniston. I got the Rachel haircut, naturally, and convinced myself we looked so much alike it was hard to tell us apart. When she and Brad Pitt got divorced and I was all TEAM JENNIFER! and my brother was like, “You’re 34. Don’t you think you’re too old to be wearing that T-shirt?” He was right. It probably was a little too over the top to be sporting a Team Jen tank top to my kid’s soccer game. But you guys, Brangelina totally fucked her over. Someone had to stand up for her. Why not me? I mean, the only reason we weren’t best friends was because we’d never officially met in person. That’s just a minor detail if you ask me.

I skipped the 80′s because I wanted to save it for last. My girl crush of the 80′s happens to be making a comeback. You know who I’m talking about, don’t you. I could only be referring to¬†Elisabeth Shue. When I was 14 The Karate Kid came out and I took one look at Elisabeth Shue on screen and was like, Sorry Kristy McNichol, you’ve just been replaced. I loved her smile and her hair and oh my god she had the biggest boobs! And they were totally real because implants hadn’t been invented yet or if they had, I’d never heard of them so that’s like the same thing. Then there was The Adventures in Babysitting and my favorite Elisabeth Shue movie, Cocktail. She was stunning. And rich. And with Tom Cruise (before Tom Cruise went crazy pants). The ultimate trifecta.

After those few movies it seemed like she just fell off the planet. In hindsight, those were probably the years she was having babies and raising a family, but since I’m not privy to her private life, I’d just assumed she’d met some tragic cinematic demise.

So you can imagine my elation when I saw the poster for the new movie, Hope Springs. I read the cast of characters: Meryl Streep, Tommy Lee Jones, Steve Carell, ELISABETH SHUE…

Holy crap, she was back! Let the love fest begin!!

My mom and I went to the first showing on the opening day. This was it. Elisabeth Shue was back and I couldn’t wait to see her on screen for the first time in what, 20 years?

At one point Meryl Streep walks into a bar and who do you think is the bartender? Elisabeth Shue! I thought, OK, they’re going to start talking and hit it off and then leave together and go shopping and have dinner and possibly a sleepover and become best friends and end the movie leading you to believe there’s going to be a sequel about their unconventional friendship.

That’s not what happened at all.

The bar scene is about a minute and forty-two seconds long and ends with Meryl Streep getting tanked on white wine. Elisabeth Shue says less than a hundred words and then you never see her again. I felt like I’d been kicked in the stomach.

But I did learn a very valuable lesson: I think I’m too old to have crushes on girls.

Am I the only one who has girl crushes and do you think this means I’m gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that. But do you?

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{ 27 comments… read them below or add one }

Dennis the Menace August 13, 2012 at 11:04 am

Before you end up hurting someone you need to recognize not just realize that these tendencies you have described and admitted too are NOT crushes, they are attributes of a STALKER.

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Shauna August 13, 2012 at 1:31 pm

Dennis,

Before I end up “hurting someone?” What is this, Single White Female?

I’m too lazy to be a stalker. But thanks for looking out for me!

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Nikki August 13, 2012 at 11:11 am

OMG watch this! It will answer all your questions about girl crushes ;) lol

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylVlkv1el3Q
Nikki´s last blog post ..Transitions…

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Shauna August 13, 2012 at 1:36 pm

I LOVE THAT VIDEO! The whole time I was like Yes, Yes, and Yes that too!

Thanks for sharing. xoxo

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TheKitchenWitch August 13, 2012 at 11:14 am

I think most girls have girl crushes…or am I just weird? My first girl crush was on that blonde girl who played bitchy Blair on The Facts of Life. Lisa something? Now she’s some religious freakshow lady who gets really excited about home-schooling.

Interesting that I had a crush on a girl who played a total bitch. I must have been paving the way for all of the asshole guys to follow…
TheKitchenWitch´s last blog post ..Tacos al Pastor

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Kat August 13, 2012 at 11:16 am

You’re totally normal. I have a giant crush on Zooey Deschanel. I wish that made me a lesbian, but unfortunately I think it speaks more to my hidden hipster tendencies that I am SO not ready to acknowledge.

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Shauna August 13, 2012 at 1:38 pm

I totally forgot about Zooey Deschanel. She is adorable. Thanks for planting THAT seed in my head.

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Maggie August 13, 2012 at 11:26 am

Uhh…Dennis is kidding…right?? Because..shit, I am 100x’s worse than that. Anyways..
I also LOVE Elisabeth Shue!! LOVE. love.(you hear that Dennis..looovveee) The opening scene to Adventures in Babysitting when she is dancing around her bedroom singing And then He Kissed Me? Super hot…I mean cute. Totally wanted to be her. Alyssa Milano was also on my list of 80′s girl crushes. My all time girl crush is Ashley Judd, and Jennifer Nettles from Sugarland. I am going to say you can never be too old for a girl crush!!

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Rachel August 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

I have this fantasy where I audition for The Voice and all the judges turn their chairs around for me, but I choose Blake because (bad drunk redneck jokes aside) he seems like the most supportive coach, and then during mentor week, Blake brings in (SQUEEE!!!) Jennifer Nettles to work with me! What?!?! OMG!
Rachel´s last blog post ..Rabbits are the Devil’s minions

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Kelli August 13, 2012 at 11:34 am

Start watching CSI to get your Elisabeth Shue fix…she’s a regular on there now. As for that feeling of getting kicked in the gut for a character having a less-than-stellar role in a movie after being touted for being in it — Channing Tatum in Public Enemies (starring Johnny Depp). Not sure if you saw it, but if you blink, you’ll miss Channing. I was SO MAD. Why on Earth was it even mentioned he was in the movie? Sure, Johnny was great, but I wanted Channing.

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Shauna August 13, 2012 at 1:39 pm

Good to know my girl ES is still working. I guess if I changed the channel off the Food Network more often I might see what’s happening on the other 500 channels I currently subscribe to.

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Jen August 13, 2012 at 11:35 am

Ahem. Dude. You’re never too old for girl crushes. I’m not ashamed to admit that I actually have a whole seperate list for girl crushes. And actually, now that I think about it, I may have more girl crushes than guy crushes.

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Shauna August 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

If I’m honest, me too.

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Big Girl September 17, 2012 at 11:34 am

Yes! My husband has a list of 3 female celebrities he’s allowed to sleep with should the opportunity arise. I have a list of 3 male celebrities. A few years ago we realized I needed a female list as well. I have no shame in telling you my three. 1. Kate Winslet 2. P!nk 3. Sara Ramirez. Judge me if you must. I don’t think you’re ever too old for a girl crush.

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Rachel August 13, 2012 at 11:40 am

Heidi Klum. I don’t know what it is about her, but my #1 fantasy girls’ night is a sleepover with Heidi Klum and Tim Gunn, and we sit around in our pjs eating tons of junk food, drinking wine straight from the bottle, and watching Project Runway (the early seasons), while throwing popcorn at the tv.

Also Emma Stone. She just seems fun and dorky. Although I’m pretty sure she’s too young for me at this point.
Rachel´s last blog post ..Rabbits are the Devil’s minions

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Shauna August 13, 2012 at 1:40 pm

YES, Emma Stone!

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Nuala Reilly August 13, 2012 at 12:41 pm

You’re never too old for girl crushes.
Nuala Reilly´s last blog post ..Funny Saturday

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Anne August 13, 2012 at 4:26 pm

I’m 38 and happily married with 3 kids, but I’ve had a total girl crush on Eliza Dushku [Faith on Buffy the Vampire Slayer] since the show was still on. I never seem to get over it. I also have a crush on Britney Spears, but I think that’s primarily because I love the way she used to dance. But I’ve never been attracted to any female I’ve actually known in real life. Either way, seems to be totally normal according tho the consensus here.

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Nikki Mohamed August 13, 2012 at 8:11 pm

I’m 29 (15 times over) and married with 5 kids and TOTALLY girl-crushing on Eliza Dushku, TOO!!!! (I always thought she was so much more of a vampire slaying bad-ass than that candy-ass Buffy!) I actually tortured myself watching Dollhouse just to see her. You’ve got good taste, Anne!
Nikki Mohamed´s last blog post ..Alphabet Soup

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AngelLeigh August 13, 2012 at 5:43 pm

Check out Hamlet 2, it was produced with some of the guy’s from South Park so it’s pretty out-there. But Elisabeth Shue is his main love interest, and SO funny &quirky &adorable. Plus the movie has a song called, Rock Me Sexy Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qMkkNe-hmPY&playnext=1&list=PLDD86D5E4E1B78955&feature=results_main

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Crystal August 14, 2012 at 11:03 am

I don’t really have any girl crushes on celebrities…MAYBE Jenna Marbles…and that’s only sometimes. I do ABSOLUTELY hate Allyson Hannigan. My ex used to love her so I felt we were competing for his love or something…Now my current douchebag always talks about how much he “Loves Lily”…played by Allyson Hannigan. FML. That bitch always tries to steal my men

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Shauna August 14, 2012 at 2:03 pm

I’m with you on this. She’s not my favorite actress since American Pie.

“This one time at band camp…”

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Monika August 14, 2012 at 11:12 am

I still regularly get girl crushes. Rarely on stars…usually on super cool, funny, down-to-Earth women who make me want to be them. You’re on the list, sister.

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Shauna August 14, 2012 at 2:00 pm

Crushing right back, lady.

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Katie August 14, 2012 at 12:08 pm

As a bi woman, here’s the answer to the “does this make me gay?” question. If in your fantasy life about your girl crushes, you can see yourself either (1) romantically in love with/married to your crush, or (2) getting hot and heavy with your crush, then yeah, you’ve got a little of the gay in you. If you really just want to have slumber parties and be BFFs and admire Shue’s boobs in a non-sexual way? Not so much.

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Shauna August 14, 2012 at 2:02 pm

I was kinda joking about the gay thing, but this answered so many questions for me. Thanks Katie!

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