Your mom

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This Sunday is the return of that made up Hallmark holiday known as Mother’s Day. It’s that day where we all pretend to give Mom whatever she wants in hopes that she’ll stop sighing so loudly whenever we ask, “Can you do me a favor?”

You want her to stop sighing? Stop asking her for favors.

Here’s what I’m going to do for you. I’m going to tell you what Mom *really* wants this Mother’s Day. And none of it involves homemade arts and crafts. Or a gift card to Starbucks.

1. Learn to clip your own toenails. You’re eleven years old, for cryin out loud. You probably are *this close* to getting pubic hair and yet you can’t manage your own feet? Dude, you’re in for a nasty surprise.

2. Put your dishes in the dishwasher. Or better yet, eat on paper plates. You’re not too fancy for styrofoam, despite what you might think. And for god’s sake, wipe your mouth.

3. Stop being so loud in the morning. You stomp around like you’re moving furniture and it’s driving us crazy. And bring us coffee. French vanilla creamer, one Splenda. And don’t spill it.

4. You know that tall, rectangular piece of thick wood that stands between you and me? It’s called a door and when it’s shut you knock. If we don’t answer that’s the same thing as “go away.” It’s not code for “come on in and bring the neighbor kid with you, never mind the fact that I’m shaving my vagina.”

5. When you ask us a question and we give you the CORRECT answer, don’t argue and say that we’re wrong. You know what? You’re exactly right. The sun *IS* the 8th planet in our solar system. You should probably go ahead and move out while you have all the answers.

6. On that rare occasion that we’re feeling ill, please just let us be. We want to feel like we’re dying in peace. We don’t want to make you dinner, help with homework, or clean the skid marks out of your last pair of clean underwear. Do you hate us this much?

7. When we ask you how we look in our new dress, don’t squint your face all crazy like and ask if it’s supposed to stick out so far in the back. That’s our ass, you insensitive schmo. Guess what? You’ve got half our genes. Which will eventually be a problem for your JEANS.

8. Try saying “Thanks, Mom” or “You rock, Mom” or “You’re so skinny, Mom” or “You’re not as mean as (fill in the blank)’s mom, Mom.” Kindness goes a long way and also we know where you hide your journal.

9. Stop complaining about everything. Seriously, we could hand you a hundred dollar bill and say, “Go! Have fun!” And you would find something wrong with what just happened. You act ungrateful and that reflects our parenting skills and the people’s kids down the street seem so much more…we don’t know…polite and stuff…and we kinda hate them. Straighten up or we’ll stop cutting the crusts off your PB & J.

10. Leave us alone for 12 solid hours. Please. One day, 12 hours. That’s all we ask. We don’t even care where you go. Rated R movie, strip bar, Harley Davidson bike rally, Southern Baptist church revival. Seriously, we don’t care. Just go away.

Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there. I hope you get one of these things you want. You probably won’t seeing how your kid’s an asshole, but it’s fun to dream!

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