I can’t seem to focus on one topic today so I’m just going to say everything I’m thinking. Hope that’s OK.
1. I have spent most of the week in the bathroom. Diarrhea. Seriously, I’m either super constipated or you know…look out below. I’m so over it already.
2. Since I haven’t felt well all week I’ve neglected everything I should’ve been doing and worked a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle instead. The part that blew my mind? It was a new puzzle that only I worked on, and one piece is missing. I almost started crying as I crawled around on the floor for like ten minutes trying to find the last piece. I wish I was joking. About the crying part.
3. My grandmother is home and doing much better. We hired someone to help her out in the mornings and make sure she’s eating and stuff like that. She called me, complaining (about the lady who’s helping her), “Honey, this isn’t working out. It took her THREE HOURS to make me scrambled eggs.”
Don’t even get me started.
4. I’m taking a van load of giggly, squealing third graders on a zip lining adventure tomorrow to celebrate Harley’s birthday. It’s a two hour drive there. And back. One of the moms called me yesterday to share her concerns for her nine year old daughter hanging and swinging from the tops of trees in East Texas. I assured her that she should be more concerned about me driving the above mentioned giggly third graders two hundred miles than she should be about the actual zip lining part of the trip. She laughed, assuming I was being funny. Please keep me in your prayers.
5. Can you get pink eye from talking on the phone with your friend, Ellen, who has pink eye? Seriously, I woke up this morning with one eye crusted over. And I’m assuming it’s pink eye and the only way I can explain it is that last night Ellen called me and told me she has pink eye. I had no idea it was that contagious.
6. I thought one of our beta fish was dead because he was floating on top of the water in his tank. So I put him in the toilet and was about to flush when he started swimming around in the toilet water. I panicked for a split second and thought about flushing him down the drain anyway because, ew, toilet water. But then my conscience got the better of me and I reached in and scooped him up and called him a cocksucker. Because again, ew, toilet water.
7. I feel like my hand smells like ass even though I’ve washed it six times. Stupid fish.
8. Yesterday a girl (who was 24) came by the house to drop off something for me to sign. After swapping pleasantries she said to me, “Oh my gosh, you could be my MOM!” Sadly, no one has heard from her since. I know it looks bad and I’ll probably be arrested for her disappearance, but I had zero to do with it. Oh wait, there she is. Apparently, fish you can flush, mouthy twats you cannot.
9. Number 8 may have been exaggerated a little. She was actually 23.
10. When I was a teenager I hated the band Led Zeppelin. I just didn’t get them. Now, as a forty-something year old woman, I’m starting to appreciate them and won’t change the station anymore when one of their songs comes on. Baby steps people.