It’s not often that I do book reviews. Mostly because everyone has opinions about the books they read and therefore why would anyone want to know what I think. At least that’s how I see it. I don’t usually read a book based on someone’s review or suggestion, but rather if the title/cover catches my attention. It’s a highly advanced, complicated system you wouldn’t begin to understand. The world is lucky to have me.
I made an exception (in regards to choosing what book I would read next) and bought the book Fifty Shades of Grey–because everyone was talking about it. I think my friend Brittany’s exact quote to me was, “OH MY GOD YOU HAVE TO READ IT, IT WILL MAKE YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH EVERYONE.” Like *that’s* an offer I can refuse.
So Sunday night I sat in my little cozy spot on the sofa and dove in head first.
I will admit something to you right here, right now. The book is sexy, there’s no doubt about it. And yes, it does invite some really strong sexual urge-y feeling things in my girlie bits. And yes, I had a hard time putting it down. The dirty parts are really dirty. And I liked it. I’m sorry you have to read this, Dad.
That’s only when I strained really hard not to critique the most horribly written book in the history of published works. There aren’t enough red pens in the entire world. And don’t even get me started on the ridiculous dialogue. And the overuse of exclamation points! Oh my god! The exclamation points! They run amok!
I have no idea how this book was signed off, as is, by the publisher. My guess is that the editor in charge of “editing” (I say “editing” in quotes because clearly it wasn’t “edited” by normal “editing” standards, or by anyone who knows anything about “editing” or even a chimpanzee who was taught how to “edit” after he mastered the skill of stacking cups) was in the midst of some post-coital coma and couldn’t be bothered.
There are several issues I take with a book that’s set in the USA in the year 2011.
1. The main character, Ana, is 21 years old and a senior in college. She is well educated and yet she doesn’t have an email address (!!!) or use the Internet (like at all), much less own a computer…OR A CELL PHONE. I find this to be completely unrealistic. How does one get through college without the use of a computer? Isn’t that how professors communicate with students, after all? And what’s with the no email address? My 9 year old has an email address. Hell, my cat has an email address–strictly for purposes of me opening up a credit card in his name–he has excellent credit–but that’s not important to the story. You know what I’m trying to say here.
2. The other main character, Christian, is 27 years old and a billionaire. He’s from America, like Ana, but his vocabulary is something out of a Thomas Hardy novel. It’s like the author scoured through English literature and picked out all the words she felt might impress the reader. And then she inserted the fancy words into impossibly unrealistic dialogue. She has him saying phrases that no west coast twenty-something HOT GUY would ever say. Ever.
3. I’m serious when I tell you that the book is laden (LADEN) with exclamation points! They’re everywhere and so noticeable that I began circling them but then had to stop because my pen ran out of ink!
4. The main character has this ongoing conflict with her subconscious and her inner goddess. This is outside the conflict she has with the actual “real” character in the story. It was so chaotic with these two “not real” characters (her subconscious and inner goddess) arguing and name calling and even sticking their tongues out at each other that I found myself just skimming over the non-sex scene parts and getting to the nitty gritty. I’m pretty sure that makes me some kind of sexual deviant, but I don’t even care. I just want to read about the sex, is that too much to ask?
I’m sorry if I’m ruining the book for you, but people, I’m doing you a favor by giving you the four-one-one. Trust me.
Look. I’m not saying not to read it. I’m just saying forget everything you learned in 7th grade English class. Pretend you’re living back in the time before modern language was invented. Go back to the days when early man was drawing genitals on the sides of cave walls. Not those cave walls, those cave walls.
Clearly, I’ve been reading too much porn.
Who wants my copy of Fifty Shades of Grey? It’s not signed by the author, but I can draw a picture of a naked girl inside the front cover if that makes you happy.