I’m one of those people who has to change up my workout from time to time. Or else I’ll get so completely bored I’ll stop working out altogether. And then my jeans won’t button. Which brings about a whole different set of issues. Plus depression. Which I treat with a strict cheeseburger/fries/Pinot Grigio regimen. That only works temporarily until I try and put on pants.
What I’m trying to say is it’s probably for the best that I change up my workout.
There was the step class phase. The kickboxing phase. The P90X phase. The spin class phase. And then…pilates.
Everything was going so well. I joined this quaint little studio and found a class at just the exact right time of day for me. There were about 13 of us in the class. Me, the instructor, and 12 women in their 70′s. It was bliss. I was such a badass. I made those ladies look like…old ladies. The instructor instructed us to do The Roll Up. I rolled up. The One Leg Circle? I made it my bitch.
And then a class favorite…the large rubber ball.
Teacher told us to lie flat on our backs and place the ball between our feet and slowly move the ball up and over our heads. We did this three or four times.
And then.
I farted. But not from the place you would assume one who had farted would fart from. It was that other place.
Apparently moving your legs over your head like that again and again is like an air pump, filling a balloon. At some point the balloon (or in this case YOUR VAGINA) lets out the air. And then you want to die.
When it happened (TO ME) time seemed to freeze. I felt 23 eyes turn towards me (Poor Mrs. Bachman lost her right eye in a freak accident…She’s the only person I’ve ever met who wore an eye patch…Which made her the coolest old lady ever) and I started to sweat. I know I turned bright red and I wanted to scream, “YES, I farted! But not from the place you think!” But then I thought…wait…maybe that is worse. Because is it? Is it better to…you know…fart from the front or the back? And how can we be sure?
Anyway, if I could have made myself vaporize I would have. But since there’s no app on my smart phone for that, I just closed my legs.
After class I didn’t stick around for the usual chit chat. I hurried out of there as fast as my farting vagina would carry me. And later, I did what any other normal person would do. I cancelled my membership to the gym. And I haven’t been back.
So basically what I’m trying to say is I’m looking for a new workout.
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
I live in fear of that happening. And that’s totally why I don’t go to the gym. Not because I’m lazy.
Jaime´s last [type] ..Not pictured: My sanity and/or my will to parent.
I can’t stop laughing because I’ve taught Pilates for about 10 years and you wouldn’t believe how many people fart in my class. And dont’ bat an eylash and keep going. Imagine trying to be the instructor and hearing the fart. I can’t laugh. I can’t stop mid word or anything. I have to just keep going. And not look anywhere near the farter or I’d lose my mind. Some women do the “oops” thing and keep going. Others do nothing. Some say “excuse me”. And yes, it is like filling up a big balloon. I almost wonder if the reason I’ve never done it is because I’m working so hard to hold my abs that maybe I am doing the kegel that sort of goes with it and everything is locked up super tight.
Go back. It’s worse that you aren’t going. NOw those old biddies are going to talk about that young gal who farted and ran away. Theey’re 70. They dont’ even know when they fart. Who cares?
yeah, THAT’s why I don’t work out. at all.
Zumba is virtually vaginal fart free. In case you wanted to know.
bellawriter (Nuala Reilly)´s last [type] ..Cut to me, tryin’ to maintain normal.
Ahem, those are known as “queefs” aka “cunt farts”. I think they are not as bad as the other kind, because they don’t stink.
Zachary wears an eye patch (for an hour a day), so *technically* you know TWO people who wear one.
Also, I’m pretty sure this means you need to join a gym in Southern CA.
Meghan´s last [type] ..Photos, Por Favor
Oh crap! You just made me think of that line in the movie “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”—
“I love the smell of queef in the morning.” –Patches O’Houlihan
Remember: they’re OLD. They won’t even remember YOU much less that you vag-farted. Go back.
Nikki Mohamed´s last [type] ..Their Language
HaHa!! I can so relate!! I’m with you on that, time to find another workout!
Lisa C´s last [type] ..Join The Fight Against AIDS
I’m totally going to use this as a new excuse to not work out….even though I’m male!!
Left Of Sean´s last [type] ..Ahhh, San Francisco…
OMG! cant stop laughing, Thanks for my ab work out for the day!!!
They should have a vagina plug for this situation. Just sayin. INVENT IT! You totally could!
Well… so much for working out, huh? I’m still laughing.
Just Plain Tired´s last [type] ..Well, She’s Back: Part Three
The “air bicycle” can also make you do that, I figured that out years back, and for some reason, love to tell people that’s what happens when you do them… A weird fact, most people don’t need to know.
BF´s last [type] ..Happy 3rd Birthday Harper!
I don’t excercise…like at all…except for my 15 mins of sex like twice a week. If I “queef” (that always makes me think of quiche) during sex I giggle uncontrollably for about 3 mins and move along. It’s literally something you cannot help…just like ass farting but with no methane. Do you know how many times those old ass ladies have vag farted in their lifetime?!?! Go back to the pilates place. If any of the old ladies says something about your vag fart…ass fart right on their face. That’s the mature thing to do
Crystal´s last [type] ..Marilyn Monroe was a dumb blonde too
Funniest. Post. Ever.
Tabitha´s last [type] ..Confesh Sesh