I have nothing funny to say today. No cute anecdotes about my kids and no embarrassing stories about armpit foam or sharting in the shower.
For the last three months my life has been stressful. Red Level, High Alert, stressful. I know when things are getting to be too much because my body tells me–and I’ve learned to listen. I don’t always know what to do about it, but I listen.
I have a lump in my throat that I would swear is real. Many years ago when it first “appeared” I went to the doctor…who sent me to a specialist…who ran some tests. His findings, was that the lump was a figment of my imagination, but at the same very real. The lump is stress. The lump is a way of getting my attention. Consider my attention GOT.
I get up every morning after a restless night’s sleep and think “OK, today is going to be better.” And so far, that hasn’t worked.
I have issues. Big ones.
I am somewhat of a door mat for people to use to wipe their muddy shoes. Most days it doesn’t bother me–all the mud. But once I’ve had enough, you better get your goddamn muddy shoes off me. That’s where I’m at today.
Then there’s the issue of boundaries. In several of my relationships the boundaries are flexible–but not by my choice. In others they seem to be invisible. Again, not by my choice. But, it’s been set up this way because I’ve allowed it. Because my goto answer is always “No problem.”
But you know what? It’s a problem for me now.
I take a lot of shit from people. I’ll let them manipulate me and railroad me and talk me into stuff I’m not comfortable with…and…then later (much later) I’ll stare into the mirror, shake my head in disgust, and say to myself, “Why girl? Why do you let this happen?”
I don’t know why I let this happen. My therapist would like the answer to that question also. But I think the answer goes something like this. I set up the entire effed up system for one reason. To make everyone happy. Your happiness is the gauge with which I measure my own happiness. It’s insanity, I know.
The thing about life is all the moving parts. Sometimes those moving parts crash into things and then you’re left with a 20 car pileup on the super highway known as your life. That’s a lot of cars to clean up. And it doesn’t get done quickly. Because while you’re busy fixing the stuff you broke, the parts start moving again.
I had to go to the dentist recently to get a new night guard. Because I have been clenching my jaw so hard when I sleep that I snapped my old one in two. He said, “My goodness, do you know how hard you must be clenching to chew threw this thick piece of plastic?”
I’m assuming by the pain and tightness in my jaw that the human face is very strong–and I’ve been putting mine through an olympic style workout. I could probably chew through your arm. I won’t, but I probably could.
I grew up praying because I was taught god listens to prayers and answers them. I haven’t prayed in years. Mostly because I don’t believe that anymore. But last week I asked people on Facebook and Twitter to say a prayer for my family and the response was overwhelming. People were quick to reply “You got it!” or “Praying now” and I must admit there was some comfort in that. Not that I expected the prayers to be heard and answered, but it made me feel less alone in my pain.
Most of you don’t know me personally, but you feel like you do because you read my stories and you know what I look like. I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I only share about fifteen percent of my life on here. Partly out of respect for my family and…OK…MOSTLY out of respect for my family.
But I’m going out on a limb today because I’m so stressed out I don’t know what else to do. I’m asking for your support. Pray, meditate, dance, throw your hands up in the air all jazzy like…whatever. I just can’t do this alone anymore. There’s a 20 car pileup and I’ve got a lot of cleaning up to do.
Thanks.
PS. On top of all the shit going in my life, one of my cousins is battling prostate cancer (he’s only 37!) and is having surgery today. Please put him FIRST on your prayer list.
{ 45 comments… read them below or add one }
Ahh, yes, being an adult is hard. Been experiencing the same lately. I have decided (and keep having to remind myself that I HAVE decided) that this is MY life… I only need to be concerned with MY life… and if everyone else wants to be a hater, they can suck it and suck it hard. I do what I need to do for me AND my family, and sometimes that doesn’t make me popular, but true friends and those who really care will understand and not try to take advantage of or manipulate you for their own needs. Surround yourself with those that support you, not bring you to this place where you are now. Easier said than done, I know. I do. Hang in there.
I think, as women, we are sort of programed to measure our own happiness by the happiness of those we take care of. That it becomes a kind of addiction – feeling so great about someone ELSE feeling great, and we neglect our own needs. I am one of those who feel that I know you because you’re a part of most of my weekday mornings – and for that short time out from life, I thank you. Please know that I am sending prayers, love and deeeeeeep calming breaths your way.
xoxo
I wish I had some great advice to make you feel better, since your hilarity makes a lot of us feel better every day… but I don’t. You are not alone though. Life mostly is annoying. The people who say “life is what you make it” obviously haven’t had anything out of their control (such as a family member with cancer) happen in their life. Having 4 kids is certainly stressful. Marriage is stressful. The price of living is stressful. And there’s no way to get around that damn pileup
All I can say, as cliche as it is, is to just try and think about the good, not stressful things. Whatever those may be. Because as hard as it is to keep in mind when life is so rapidly consuming your sanity, there really always is someone out there who has it worse. Keep your head up lady. I will keep you in my thoughts and hope that a cleanup crew gets on that highway asap. hugs.
You’re right. I don’t know you personally. But you are a regular part of my world. When I read your blog or wear your “No more wine…” t-shirt, I think of you (but only for a very tiny, not-weird-at-all second!)
Anyway, my point is that I AM a pray-er. And you’re my hometown, Ft Worth, pseudo-homey. So I’ll pray for you. And think good thoughts for you. And if you need some backup hosing the mud off (you know, the doormat) I can help with that too.
You’re not alone, Shauna, and you never will be. Hang in there. Love you.
Avitable´s last [type] ..Where’s my reply, @OkCupid? (Prelude to a lawsuit)
Very positive thoughts/mojo coming your way.
I do the jaw clenching thing when I’m stressed too. I’ve broken teeth. It’s not pretty. And I have one tooth on the left side that I’ve ground right into a point.
Diana´s last [type] ..On the Slippery Slope: A Rant
I think I know how you feel. I am an over-committer who agrees to a crazy number of projects because I don’t want to disappoint anyone by saying no. So I always say yes and then stress out completely trying to get everything done, or I feel guilty when I’m done because I couldn’t give it my full attention. I am trying not to do that anymore, but it is so hard for me to say no still!
I don’t know what the answer is. Well, I mean, I found one for me, but I don’t know that you will think it is worth it. I found out I was pregnant at 40 just a couple months ago. Since I’m high risk, it gave me a great reason to back out of alot of board committments and projects and just generally say NO.
So while I don’t recommend getting knocked up to get out of stuff, maybe you could use the lump in your throat as a sort of guage. You have to do what is good and right for you and your beautiful kids. To Hell with everyone else. You deserve to be able to reduce your stress level and let some enjoyment back in. You are beautiful, talented, smart, and witty, and so many people like myself are happy just because you and your blog are part of our day. We are happy just because you touched our lives. What incredible power to make someone happy with your words. That should be enough for anyone, Shauna.
I’m praying your cousin, and I’ll be praying for you.
Hang in there. And try to say no every once in a while. It’s liberating….but super hard.
I don’t really do the praying thing but consider my hands thrown up in the air all jazzy like. (Sorry, my go-to in serious situations is humor.) Seriously, you’re right that most of your readers (especially myself) don’t know you. But we feel like we do, and that means we love you, we support you, and we care what happens in your life. Be strong when you can and lean on others when you can’t. And please let us know if there’s anything you ever need.
Ok, way too serious for me. I will now go insult someone’s mother to make up for this.
You got it, dude. Prayers coming to you (and I don’t even pray) and lots of good mojo.
This is exactly how I feel. Exactly. I just got my first night guard to try and alleviate the facial pain from night clenching. I wish there was something I could say that might be helpful… but I don’t even know how to get my own shit together. It’s hard. And for some reason, we all seem to think that we have to tough these things out. I’m just learning that we don’t. We need to learn how to ask for help; and how to accept it.
While we all love you out here in computer land, it sounds like you’ve also got a lot of “real” people in your actual life who care about you. Lean on them. And don’t feel guilty about it, because you know that you would drop everything to prop them up if they needed it.
I hope you can find a way to relax, slow down and start saying no.
I’ll think good thoughts for your cousin.
Jessica´s last [type] ..Rookie Mistake.
I wish I had magical words of advice to make it better.
I wish I could wave a magic wand and fix everything.
But I can’t. Unfortunately.
All I can say is that I get it. I’ve been there. I’m that person too. Albeit a lot less funny and witty than you.
Try your hardest to take care of yourself. Work on making yourself happy…just because. I promise you, that in the end..it will make making other people happy, easier.
And always remember that there are a lot of people in these great big interwebs that think you’re awesome, and even if we only know you through photos and words – would do just about anything for you, if it made your life better, easier.
Thinking about you and your family
xoxo
Erin´s last [type] ..Those Were The Days..
The internet is a weird place. I’ve never met you, might never…but I love you like my friends. I’ll be praying for you and your family. I hope all things can settle back to normal insanity.
Thoughts, prayers, jumping for joy, and jazz hands: we’re all here for you. You support our “baggage” by writing this blog and we need to let you know that we support your “baggage” too. We are here for you!
Left Of Sean´s last [type] ..Kate Plus Eight….Minus One (SHOW)
praying for you! we’ve got your back, shauna, even though every time I type your name I try and put two “n”s in it. (and it’s not that I type your name all that often, that would be weird).
rachel´s last [type] ..show {off} your shot
I also like to make everyone happy, even though it costs me. I try to do what I can and when it’s too much I tell myself Oprah will come along and help whoever I’ve turned down. Then I don’t feel bad about not doing something for them, because hey, look, Oprah!
I love that quote about being kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle. That’s how I like to think about things. And I like to pray. So…that’s done.
Buccinator´s last [type] ..Celery Roses
Hang in there Shauna. Thinking of you north of the border. Not the Mexico border. The other one.
Gav´s last [type] ..Sweet Potato Soup with Blackened Halibut
My doctor… advised me last week there should be xanax in the water to replace fluoride. Life sucks. My mom tells me we use humor to mask a lot of our pain. Push it off. Its not real then right?
You.. your family.. and your cousin are all in our prayers. I would day its going to be okay, but that’s bullshit and we both know it. I haven’t talked to god in a long time… because I’m in the same boat.. if he’s still there why does life suck so fucking much?
Here’s to getting ahead instead of just getting even <3. Hang in there!
I’m not going to read all of the comments before me (because I’m already fighting back the tears, so please forgive me if I repeat what every other stinking person has written.
I have only recently become obsessed with you, so no we don’t “know” each other, but I can relate with you on so many levels. You seem to have the most generous and loving hearts (therefore “doormat” to those around you, unfortunately) and also seem to be one strong-backed and stubborn broad (in the best sense possible)- so therefore the go-to gal for your loved ones to help shoulder the weight of life. It starts to wear on a girl- no matter how awesome she is- and I’m sorry you’re feeling this now.
I am by no means a Jesus freak or holy-roller and the church would probably burst into flames if I entered it, but I do like to take to the big guy about the things most important to me, and I will certainly be praying for you, your loved ones and the whole damn 20 car pile-up. Happiest of thoughts and big jazzy hands in the air for you. And I’ll even throw in a wine-induced sloppy hug for good measure.
improperly forward´s last [type] ..zazzle this
OH – and I will never again be jealous of your gorgeous bone-structure and jaw line because obviously that comes with a torturous workout that I am not committed enough to endure.
improperly forward´s last [type] ..zazzle this
I definitely don’t know what you are going through, and it sounds like it must be hard. You’ve definitely got my thoughts with you and your family, and probably a little dance. I hope all ends well!
BF´s last [type] ..Wedding countdown: Day 2
I came across your website last week and have been reading it pretty much nonstop while at work everyday. I enjoy your writing style and your posts. This post, though, really touched me in a way that I finally feel like I am not alone. I’ve been in the exact same boat. I also wasn’t a big believer in prayers, but some close friends have started keeping me in their prayers, and it does seem to be helping, slowly but surely. So, I feel that the only fair thing to do is to keep you in my prayers as well, and hope that things get better for you soon.
This just plain sucks. Big fat love and prayers from a stranger (in a totally non-creepy sorta way!)…
Pamela Gold´s last [type] ..Writing it Out
I follow you on Twitter and I’ve been reading your blog for a while. (You actually follow me on twitter, for some fucked up reason. I think you follow me because you’re trying to be nice to someone YOU’VE NEVER EVEN MET, so yeah, you do need to man-up and stop worrying about everyone else and worry more about yourself.) I’m the loser who tweeted “I’ve been on here for two years and I have seven followers = I am awesome”. Yeah, well shortly after that tweet someone dropped my ass (but it wasn’t you, so we’re still cool). Anyhow, I digest…
I am praying for your cousin and then I’ll pray for you. Oh heck, I can probably pray for both of you at the same time, God can multi-task, right? I mean, he’s GOD, he should be able to multi-task!
In all seriousness, I hope that things get better for you and I’ll be praying for you and your cousin. Do what is best for you, first and foremost, then worry about everyone else. You’re no help to anyone else if you’re not 100%.
Be well (and thanks for following me on Twitter, sucker!)
Hang in there Shauna. I’m going to say a little prayer for you and yours right now so I won’t forget.
Dear Lord,
Be with Shauna and her whole family in this time of distress. Surround her with your favor like a shield. Open her eyes and heart to the love you have for us. Grant her peace and wisdom.
In Jesus name. Amen
I’m praying for you and your family! I’m going through some tough things right now too. My best friend said I should think of it as a transition to a new and better me. I hope he is right and I hope you are in a transition to a new and better you.
new commenter here…praying for you & yours…
Carol: I would totally follow you if I had your Twitter handle. Mine is @AmarilloKenja . Just saying.
We could at least get you back up to 7.
You’re in my thoughts, Shauna.
I have some advice. It’s kind of difficult, but I know you can do it. The next time (and every time) someone asks you if there is anything they can do, find a way to say yes. As in, “yes, you can pray for me,” or “yes, you can pick up the kids from school for me today and keep them for a few hours,” or “yes, you *can* bring us dinner; that would be great” or “yes, I *would* like a bottle of wine.” You get the idea.
So say yes, but this time, for yourself.
Now, is there anything I can do?
I’ll throw my hands up in the air sometimes, saying HEEEYYYOOO gotta LET GO!
But seriously, thinking of you, praying for you.
Gamanda´s last [type] ..You know that place in your brain?
Thank you. You’ve reminded me of the importance of preventing my own 20 car pileup. I wish we could snap our fingers, Mary Poppins style, and make such messes disappear.
Sending you so much love and reminding you that you’re NOT ALONE. Will be praying for your family, and especially your cousin as he has his surgery. Love you.
Jana A´s last [type] ..If Ever I Had A Fan…
You are definately not alone, even though I know it can feel that way! We all feel that way, but most of us are too scared to admit it and just pretend everything is ok & perfect all the time even though it’s not even close. Kudos to you for being real! Do nice things for just you and screw everybody else! I will say prayers & throw my hands up for you, your family, & your cousin. Humans weren’t made to go strong all the time…sometimes we just need to take a couple of steps back and slow down a little bit. Easier said than done!
. It also helps to journal about how much you hate the 20 cars that pile up, but if you do, a word of advice…burn it, not just crumple it up & toss it, cuz if it gets read then 50 cars end up piling up. 
.
Hi Shauna,
I’m the one that emailed you after you moved into a new place without your husband. I’m the one you told that it would be okay. It is. I’m the one that reads you so often because you are so real and we would be buds if you lived in Pennsylvania… I’m the one who knows that sometimes we have to be really honest and put ourselves out there. I know this because the little email you sent to me about your kids being alright despite you separating from their dad…you gave me courage. It is one year on Saturday, and I am myself again…and so are my kids. YOU gave me courage…
Susan
LOVE YOU SHAUNAGLENN!!
Thinking about you!! XOXO
AmazingGreis´s last [type] ..You’ve Got a Friend in Me…
Shauna, since I’ve only met you once or twice, I don’t really know you, BUT I feel like i do from reading your blog and old office gossip, of course…and i adore keeping up with your life! I almost feel like a stalker
I’m no prayer warrior and think God has better things to do than listen to me on a daily basis talking about the little things in life, but on occassion, there’s no doubt in my mind, that he’s heard the big ones…the rock bottom, I can’t handle this on my own any more ones and helped me! So I know he listens! Thinking of you and yours! XOXO erin
We’re here for you, girl. I know what it means to be one of those “yes” people who just take care of everyone before themselves. Feel free to email me to vent if you need to-hey, I don’t know ANYONE in Texas besides you, so you can bitch about anyone you want and it will NEVER get back to them.
Happy thoughts to you, and thank you again for the review. After months of shite, you’re due up for some good stuff really soon.
bellawriter´s last [type] ..The beginning of a new chapter!
I hate your shitstorm. HATE it.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last [type] ..Pinterest Makes Me Hate Myself, But In A Good Way
Oh, ladyfriend, I hope it gets better ASAP. I’ll be thinking about ya.
Oh ma’am, sounds bad! I’m sorry, and I pray that your “20 car pile up” gets cleared up quick! And yes, first prayer to your cousin.
Lanae (@Hungrigyrl)´s last [type] ..Leaving on a Jet Plane…
My thoughts and prayers are with you (and your cousin). I hope things get easier, or at least easier to deal with, soon.
I just said a prayer for you and yours…You are so lively and amazing, Shauna. Hang in there. Can I bring you dinner? A bottle of wine? A hug?
You are not alone right now. I love you, and I’m here to help start directing some traffic.
Hoping the wreckage and carnage are being cleared from your highway of life now. I sent to your Facebook mail (for a little more privacy) and still, you’re in my thoughts and prayers. Love you. No, really.
Nikki Mohamed´s last [type] ..Autobiography of Omnivore Army Brat Turned Vegetarian In Progress
I’ve felt the same way, and have gone through three nightguards to prove it. It’s a sucky way to live, and my prayers will be with you and your family.
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