Bugs crawling

by Shauna on August 25, 2011

Something is going on with me lately.

It feels like….bugs are crawling all over me.

My head is itching like crazy. CRAZY. And has been for the last few weeks.

I asked my 16 year old to check my head for lice. She made a face, called me gross, and left the room.

So I asked Harley to help me. I went in her room where she was meticulously cutting out pictures of teen pop stars—her faves are Justin Beaver (that’s what she calls him even though I’ve told her REPEATEDLY it’s Bieber—not Beaver), Selena Gomez, and that iCarly chick–and gluing them on poster board.

“Harley, can you look at my head and see if you can find any bugs?”

“Sure.”

Seriously. I swear to god that’s how she answered. Like it was no big deal that her mom just asked her to check her head FOR BUGS.

I sat on the floor next to her and she began carefully going through my hair, looking for crawling things.

“These bugs, how big are they?”

“I don’t know exactly—tiny I’m sure. Why, do you see something?”

She studied a little longer. “Nope. All I see is white hair mixed with blonde hair mixed with black hair. Your hair is three different colors.”

I stood up just then and scratched my head. (Seriously, it’s SO ITCHY)

“I know my hair is three different colors. That’s why it sucks being a grown up,” I said as I left the room. “Thank you!” I yelled out over my shoulder.

“No problem,” she said back. And then she went back to cutting out people’s faces. I guess checking her mom’s head for bugs is just another day on the job for her.

Luckily for me I had an appointment the next day to see my gynecologist for my yearly vaginal violation. Also known as the well woman check-up. Clearly this woman was NOT well—but needed confirmation from a professional.

After arriving I was asked to pee in a cup and place that cup in a paper sack. I carried that paper bag (filled with my own urine) around with me like I’d brought a sack lunch with me to the fucking vag doctor. You know, so like while Dr R has her hands up my mother ship and talking about how hot it is outside, I could be enjoying my tuna on toasted rye.

But as I panned the waiting room I noticed everyone else had a paper sack sitting in the chair next to them, so I felt less like a weirdo and more like an elite member of an club.

As soon as I was called back to the room, I undressed, and then sat on the exam table waiting for my doctor to enter.

While I waited I scratched my head. Like a mad person. Scratching, scratching, scratching. I’d scratched my head so much during the past few weeks I’d worn down my fingernails.

Very shortly after waiting, Dr R entered the room. And I immediately broke down and started crying. She sat on a stool in front of me and watched me sob. After what seemed like minutes she asked, “What’s going on with you, Shauna? Why are you so upset?”

She handed me a tissue.

I blew my nose and wiped my eyes (with the same tissue—I’m pretty sure I had snot on my left eyelid—but I didn’t care) and said, “I’m just so stressed out. AND, I think I have lice. More than that it feels like bugs are crawling all over my body. All over me—bugs everywhere! I think I might be going crazy, and Harley keeps calling Justin Bieber Justin BEAVER even though I correct her like ALL THE TIME.”

And then I started scratching my head like a deranged gorilla.

She stood up, walked over to me and placed my hands gently to my sides. “Let me take a look.”

She went through strand after strand of my hair. After a minute she said, “You don’t have lice, Shauna.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Very.”

And then she took her prescription pad out of the pocket of her white coat. She scribbled something and then tore off the paper from the pad and handed it to me.

“What’s this?”

“It’s a prescription for Xanax. Take it when you’re feeling like bugs are crawling on you.”

“OK.”

“You’re not crazy, Shauna. You’re a mom to four kids. That’s a lot. We all feel like bugs are crawling on us sometimes.”

“Even you?”

“Well, my thing is not crawling bugs but I feel crazy in other ways.”

“You do?”

“Yes. All the time.”

Hearing her admit that made me feel better. “So I guess we’re all done here? I’ll see you next year.”

“Not so fast. We haven’t done your exam yet. And I hate to tell you this but now that you’re over forty we have to do a rectum check too.”

I wish I’d just had fucking lice.

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{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }

Lindsay C August 25, 2011 at 10:24 am

I get the crawly bug feeling when I’m anxious or overwhelmed. Except it’s my face and legs that bother me. And I *have* to swat at them because OMG there could actually be a *real* bug on my face this time (swatswatswat). xoxo

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Nancy August 25, 2011 at 10:54 am

LORD she could have let you take the xanax first! I HATE THE RECTAL! I have been getting it since I was 25 :(

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Jessica August 25, 2011 at 11:55 am

Aw, geez. The “well woman” check up gets worse?!

No fair! I went to the doctor to see if I was crazy, because I was constantly feeling like I might have a stroke, my legs kept going numb and I occasionally felt like I was wearing a beard of bugs. She didn’t give me any Xanax :( She just told me I need to “relax and look after” myself more. Well, sure, but some Xanax might help, yeah?
Jessica´s last blog post ..The Most Wonderful Time of the Year?

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Sunday August 25, 2011 at 12:29 pm

You didn’t have to get the rectal until you were 40?!?!? I just turned 40 last year, and I’ve been getting that horrible “bear down” for years! Maybe they do it so the regular vaginal exam doesn’t feel as invasive? *shudder*

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Bellawriter August 25, 2011 at 1:15 pm

I don’t have lice either but my five kids have earned me a prescription for Lorazepam. But I still have days (re:today) where I am seriously fighting off the need to scream and throw things.
I’m glad you don’t have lice, even if it meant a rectal exam. Those little fuckers are really hard to get rid of. Little pills and an errant greased up finger are way better than little bugs.

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Nikki Mohamed August 26, 2011 at 8:16 am

Yeah, I’m with Bella on this one. Living in Egypt, lice is a fairly common thing that I was unprepared to deal with when we first got here. It gives you a whole new understanding of terms like “nit-picking” and “fine tooth comb.” I’d totally rather have a finger poked up my butt than to have to deal with lice again. (P.S. Lice prevention tip: peppermint oil. Put a few drops in your conditioner or put some on your hands and rub them together and comb through your wet hair. The bugs don’t like the smell of it, it’s a great detangler assist, AND it clears the sinuses.)
Nikki Mohamed´s last blog post ..Chest Pains

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Crystal August 25, 2011 at 1:17 pm

I always feel like I have bugs crawling on me if I get sweaty…like especially the crease between my pelvic area and my thighs? Maybe its cause Im fat and sweaty but good lord. My head always itches…if im in the kitchen at work I go insane and start bitching at everyone cause im so irritated I cant itch my head with gloves
Crystal´s last blog post ..My booty is poppin, my booty is cool

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improperly forward August 25, 2011 at 6:00 pm

You’ll have to let me know if the Xanax is any better than the Mexican Valium. I’ll be needing some before I go in for my well woman/rectal intrusion!
improperly forward´s last blog post ..and then she lost her shit

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Brittany August 26, 2011 at 6:45 am

Wait. WTF DO THEY DO TO YOUR RECTUM!?
Brittany´s last blog post ..Blood in the Water.

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Shauna August 26, 2011 at 9:58 am

The doctor says, “take in a deep breath” and when you do, she pushes her finger all the way up your butthole. And when she pulls it out you feel like you need to fart really bad. It’s seven different kinds of awesome.
Shauna´s last blog post ..Bugs crawling

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hdjames August 26, 2011 at 2:54 pm

Don’t they push down on your stomach too? And LUCKY getting to wait until 40.

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BF August 29, 2011 at 11:15 am

Sadly to say my doctor has done that since I started getting the vagina checks. No one else’s I knew did that… So, yeah, I had that going for me at a young age.
BF´s last blog post ..Money well spent

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Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] August 26, 2011 at 7:45 am

So, I should have been able to wait until I was 40 for the up-the-butt exam? I’m switching gynos.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog post ..A New Day! A New Year! A New Lunch (not, Lynch) Box!

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BF August 29, 2011 at 11:13 am

I definitely don’t get the bug itches when I’m going crazy… I get the eye twitches, which makes me want to go 100 Xs more crazy. Try feeling that for 3 months straight. Literally holding your finger down on your eye lid to get some comfort in not feeling the twitch for a minute. So I’m not sure what’s worse, but moral of the story, Xanax will be your friend.
BF´s last blog post ..Money well spent

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Suzanne November 25, 2013 at 9:43 pm

I have been getting the bug feeling in my hair for the past year.
i have not found a solution yet.
driving me crazy
can anybody help me please !!!!
i have to get rid of this.
tks
Suzanne

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