No one tells you exactly how hard it is to be a parent. Because if you really knew how much you would actually suffer and hurt and worry…you wouldn’t do it. Why would you? No one wants to live in pain.
I’m currently living in that pain. And I don’t exactly know how I got here. Except that I do. I could see it coming a mile away not so long ago. I was just hoping I was wrong.
I can’t and won’t go into the details of the pain I’m living right now because while I exploit my children to a certain degree with exaggerated stories of our every day lives, I would never betray them when it’s this serious.
And even though I continue to try and stay positive and hopeful on the outside (while hanging on to the last thread of sanity) I’m suffering on the inside. A suffering you can’t begin to imagine.
I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep. I pace the quiet hallways of my home every night, listening to the sounds of sleeping children, begging the universe for the answers. So far, the universe hasn’t shared them.
Decisions have to be made. Tough decisions. Decisions that will change our lives forever.
I feel like I’m drowning. My heart breaks from the moment the sun rises until I lay my head on the pillow at night. I no longer look forward to going to bed. It’s become a frightening time. A time I know I’ll worry the most because I’m alone–nothing to do but think about everything surrounding my family’s lives. It plays in my head on a continuous loop. It’s the scariest time of day for me.
And I just want it all to go away.
Don’t tell me that being a surgeon, or a pilot, or even the President of the United States is a tough job. Parenting beats it all a million times over.
I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS.
But now is not the time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. It’s not the time to throw my hands up in the air and give up. And I really feel like giving up.
My family needs me. I will be strong even though I want so badly to get in my car and drive away. I want to be anywhere but here.
And if one more person tells me god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I’m going to punch that person in the face and yell out, “Handle THAT bitch!”
If you’re listening god…Please send help. I’ve got all I can handle.
(Please keep my family in your thoughts)