Pacing hallways

by Shauna on June 13, 2011

No one tells you exactly how hard it is to be a parent. Because if you really knew how much you would actually suffer and hurt and worry…you wouldn’t do it. Why would you? No one wants to live in pain.

I’m currently living in that pain. And I don’t exactly know how I got here. Except that I do. I could see it coming a mile away not so long ago. I was just hoping I was wrong.

I can’t and won’t go into the details of the pain I’m living right now because while I exploit my children to a certain degree with exaggerated stories of our every day lives, I would never betray them when it’s this serious.

And even though I continue to try and stay positive and hopeful on the outside (while hanging on to the last thread of sanity) I’m suffering on the inside. A suffering you can’t begin to imagine.

I can’t sleep. I don’t sleep. I pace the quiet hallways of my home every night, listening to the sounds of sleeping children, begging the universe for the answers. So far, the universe hasn’t shared them.

Decisions have to be made. Tough decisions. Decisions that will change our lives forever.

I feel like I’m drowning. My heart breaks from the moment the sun rises until I lay my head on the pillow at night. I no longer look forward to going to bed. It’s become a frightening time. A time I know I’ll worry the most because I’m alone–nothing to do but think about everything surrounding my family’s lives. It plays in my head on a continuous loop. It’s the scariest time of day for me.

And I just want it all to go away.

Don’t tell me that being a surgeon, or a pilot, or even the President of the United States is a tough job. Parenting beats it all a million times over.

I hate this. I hate this. I HATE THIS.

But now is not the time to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head. It’s not the time to throw my hands up in the air and give up. And I really feel like giving up.

My family needs me. I will be strong even though I want so badly to get in my car and drive away. I want to be anywhere but here.

And if one more person tells me god doesn’t give you more than you can handle, I’m going to punch that person in the face and yell out, “Handle THAT bitch!”

If you’re listening god…Please send help. I’ve got all I can handle.

(Please keep my family in your thoughts)

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

edenland June 13, 2011 at 8:23 am

Oh sweetheart – I just saw your tweet and came here. You don’t know me, and I hardly know you. I met you briefly at BlogHer last year on the dancefloor, you were rockin’ the shit outta that place and I thought, this chick is COOL.

Your family are in my thoughts. You are in my thoughts – you’re the mum. You’re the One Glue, that Holds Them All.

That fucking “God never gives you more than you can handle” quote? I’d get that a lot, after my husband got cancer. Usually said to me while I was in an AA meeting trying to get motherfucking serene, holding a screaming baby. I shared at a meeting once … “I AM SO SICK OF THAT STUPID FUCKING QUOTE.” And afterwards, this old guy came up to me and he says “Love, it’s true. God never gives you more than you can handle ….. but life does.”

Life does. I expect you are dealing with more than you can handle. But the sassy chick I saw dancing up on stage at Sparklecorn sure as hell can cope. I promise.

~end missive~

xo
edenland´s last blog post ..The Corpse with the Beautiful Teeth

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Pgoodness June 13, 2011 at 8:31 am

I’m
Sorry things suck right now. I hope it gets better fast; wish I could help somehow.

And that quote has always pissed me off.

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MommaKiss June 13, 2011 at 8:38 am

Your family will be in my thoughts, if that’s all you can ask – it’s what I can give.
MommaKiss´s last blog post ..Back to life- back to reality…

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Lindsay C June 13, 2011 at 9:04 am

My thoughts are with you and your family xoxo

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apathy lounge June 13, 2011 at 9:19 am

We live in the same city. We’ve probably even shopped at the same Target or sat at the same stop light without even knowing. You have kids here and so do I. I’m tuned in to the Parenthood=Pain song. It plays continuously in my head. Sometimes it plays loudly and other times (on the good days), it’s down pretty low and I can pretend I don’t hear it. I don’t know your situation, but I know that middle-of-the-night-can’t-breathe-can’t-sleep panic of which you speak. I wish you peace, Shauna. I really do.

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neeroc June 13, 2011 at 9:22 am

I’m sorry you have such overwhelming things going on right now. Take care and lean on all the loved ones you can.
neeroc´s last blog post ..Change it is a-comin’

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Pamela Gold June 13, 2011 at 9:48 am

I’m on your side…
Pamela Gold´s last blog post ..The Non It-Girl

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Maggie June 13, 2011 at 10:17 am

Sending paryers, and happy thoughts. I don’t “personally” know you, but love you just the same!!! I hope this hurdle goes quickly, and your family is safe.

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Heather.... June 13, 2011 at 10:18 am

You just be strong when you can, and when you can’t, I will hold you up. Like a muppet, but my hand won’t be up your ass.

I am ALWAYS here. Love you so much.

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rachel June 13, 2011 at 10:30 am

I kept reading, waiting for the punchline, because you usually have my laughing by the second sentence. I’m so sorry for whatever it is you are going through. Prayers, friend!
rachel´s last blog post ..happy weekend

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beth June 13, 2011 at 11:37 am

I am so sorry you are going through whatever you are going through. I agree, that quote is dumb as hell, and exceedingly irritating when delivered by someone who has no idea what you’re going through. (Though I have no idea.)

I will be thinking of you and yours.
beth´s last blog post ..Honest Mommy

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Cheryl June 13, 2011 at 11:57 am

I am thinking of you and your family, Shauna. We had a family crisis last fall and I didn’t think I would ever be able to turn my looping thoughts off to ever sleep again. Eight months later things are better. You are absolutely right about raising kids! THE HARDEST JOB EVER!

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bellawriter June 13, 2011 at 12:17 pm

I HATE it when people tell me that God/handling things ratio bullshit. Hate it. Like he’s some sadistic twisted freak up there pulling everyone’s strings just because he can?! God, in these types of scenario’s (and I don’t know what you’re going through, but I think I can literally *hear* your pain through the internet) is the proverbial kid with a magnifying glass sitting over the anthill burning the ants for fun, and NOBODY needs that shit.
Huge hugs. I, along with everyone here, am here if you need me. Hey, come to Canada for a break. We’re not that bad. Honestly. (I know, weak selling point).
Seriously though, you and your family are in my thoughts.
bellawriter´s last blog post ..Birthday Wishes for my newly teenaged daughter- a few memories- and some sage advice

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Debbie B June 13, 2011 at 12:58 pm

Shauna, I also have 4 kids, 3 boys and a girl – ages 19-25, so I can totally relate to parenting being the hardest job there is. Thought it would get easier as they got older, but that is not the case – bigger kids = bigger problems. I don’t know you, but I can so hear your pain and sadness in your blog and my heart aches for you. I am so sorry for whatever it is you are dealing with. You and your family are in my thoughts.

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Becky Mochaface June 13, 2011 at 1:52 pm

Oh Shauna. I’m sorry things suck right now. Keeping you guys in my thoughts.
Becky Mochaface´s last blog post ..I know its hard to believe- but I did manage to get some paint on the trim and not just my leg

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AngieM. June 13, 2011 at 2:00 pm

whoa, this sounds serious. i hope your family is able to get through this unscathed.

thoughts & well wishes sent your way.

xoxo

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Issa June 13, 2011 at 2:42 pm

Tons of good thoughts your way.
Issa´s last blog post ..Same- same- same

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Jana A June 13, 2011 at 3:13 pm

Sending love, prayers and positive thoughts to you and the family. Also? That quote is bullshit. This one’s better: What doesn’t kill me does not make me stronger. It makes me anxious, bitchy, and vulnerable…but nobody wants to see that embroidered on a pillow.

((hugs))
Jana A´s last blog post ..It’s Moving Week

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BF June 13, 2011 at 5:10 pm

Thoughts are with you, hope you find a way to get passed whatever it is that has gotten you to this point.
BF´s last blog post ..Terry and Jerry are back!

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Jessica June 13, 2011 at 6:26 pm

I’ve been right there, and I’m sure I will be again. I hope that whatever’s going on with your family is over soon and has a happy ending.
I’m totally with you on that stupid quote. Yes, I’m quite sure that we can all handle anything that we absolutely have to – that does not mean that we need to be happy about it, and it certainly doesn’t mean that we have to put up with sanctimonious bullshit from some idiot who has no idea what’s going on in our lives while we do it.
You don’t know me, but I’m sending you hugs anyway.
Jessica´s last blog post ..They Grow Up So Fast!

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Kate June 13, 2011 at 9:06 pm

prayers i can do. you got it.
Kate´s last blog post ..shouldn’t

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rory June 13, 2011 at 9:12 pm

Dude.
I can imagine what you must be going through.
Hell, I can even imagine having children, and can kinda imagine having to spend my life with them.
But it’s me just imagining- you’re having to do it and live it.
I’m sorry and I hope things get better soon.
Big hugs?
Is that appropriate?
rory´s last blog post ..This is why my life sucks

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Danielle June 13, 2011 at 11:04 pm

Parenting is by far the hardest job. I am sure you are doing the best you can, that’s all you can do. Hang in there, and of course there are a lot of people out there wishing you well and for this situation to turn out for the best. How about “keep calm & carry on” – that’s not neraly as annoying as the other, right?
Hugs!
Danielle´s last blog post ..13 June 2011

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Kerry June 14, 2011 at 12:11 am

I am so, so sorry you have to go through this! As we speak I’m going through a family crisis, and I know how utterly helpless and shitty it feels. A huge knot in your stomach and nausea 24/7. And wanting to just drive into the sunset and never look back, but knowing you can’t.

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jennyonthespot June 14, 2011 at 7:23 am

I have no idea, but do. I woke up this morning with a prayer for my children… nothing impending, but knowing… We just had a little something happen. Little. But big enough to tear the curtain for me a bit… to see the pain that may lie ahead.

Seriously… I woke up with a knot in my tummy about my children and started praying. A friend and I just spoke this weekend about this very thing… Offering prayers for you… one mom to another. And virtual {hugs} as well.

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Mrs BC June 14, 2011 at 8:21 am

Hi Shauna, I hope things get easier for you soon.
Parenting is so fucking hard – children wear you out mentally, phsyically & emotionally to the point that it is hard to be the mum & navigate through it. We have issues at home that I don’t blog about, & although I don’t know your situation I recognise your pain as something we as parents have dealt with, & continue to do so. The hardest thing so far has been recognising that at a certain point, we are not the ones navigating, it’s the kid’s life to navigate. The best we can do is stand aside & let them, & be supportive from the sidelines. I don’t know if this insight is even appropriate for you, but I am sending you thoughts of strength. Hang in there. You can do it.
x
Fuck that ‘god gives you what you can handle…’ shit. Handle this, god!
Mrs BC´s last blog post ..meat safe to bathroom cabinet without marraige counselling

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Julie June 14, 2011 at 8:36 am

You have made me smile, laugh, spew coffee soooo many times and while I know I cannot say anything that will do that for you right now I will say that I am sending good thoughts and prayers your way.
I have often said that, and as a parent of five I know, that Generals in a war zone have nothing on mothers…hell war would be a piece of cake compared to raising kids, keeping them healthy, keeping them positively motivated, keeping them safe, keeping bad shit and people away from them, keeping them clean, fed, rested, happy, keeping them showered in your love….all the while why trying to work full time and have some sort of life for yourself.
Hang in there…this is but a battle…you WILL win the war!!!
(and yes I am a military wife, if you could not tell:)
Sending you warrior mommy strength!

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Selina June 14, 2011 at 9:29 am

Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

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kel June 14, 2011 at 11:08 am

I am the mother of two boys. Well, I am now the mother of one 15 year old boy and the mother of a 20 year old angel. I lost my oldest son 17 months ago to a drug overdose and my younger son is now also abusing substances. I know the fear and the I live in the pain that is every mothers nightmare. I will say a prayer for your family and a hug from New York with wishes that what ever is ailing your family right now will pass in the least painful way. Hang in there, and be strong.
kel´s last blog post ..Did you get what you deserve

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Yvonne June 14, 2011 at 11:47 am

I know life is hard right now. And I hate that quote as much as I hate anything. I lost my husband 3 years, 4 months, and 5 days ago (but who’s counting) after a long illness including brain damage. When people told me God never gave me anything I couldn’t handle, I too wanted to punch them. I believe God is with you in those sleepless nights, holding you up as you deal with this problem. Please know you’re not alone and that all of us are in your corner as you face this. Prayers for you all.

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Elinor June 14, 2011 at 1:54 pm

Oh Shauna,
No platitudes, they are the worst! Instead, I’ll send you a giant bottle of wine! Except, Canada Post is on strike… and I don’t think it is legal to ship booze… and I don’t have your address (not being a stalker and all)… and this is getting complicated… My mother, who doesn’t drink at all, says that ‘some situations just require booze and chocolate’. So I hope you have plenty of both.
Keeping you and yours in my thoughts

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shana June 14, 2011 at 4:29 pm

The only way I know how to say I love you is with food or flowers. But since we don’t live in the same state… maybe you could send me the name and phone number of one of your friends in town, and I will send money and some recipes.

Thinking of you.

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emily k. June 14, 2011 at 8:57 pm

just reading this now. thinking about you and yours.

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Alysia June 15, 2011 at 10:34 am

No quipy advice here. I suck at advice, quipy or otherwise.

So I’m sending internet love and hugs your way. Also internet wine and pasta. Also internet fuzzy housesheoes and cute pjs. Because all those things make me feel better.

Hugs and Dog Slobber to you!

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Liberty Brunet June 17, 2011 at 10:58 pm

When my husband was dying, many, many, many people told me that same line of bull. Turns out a lot of people can’t in fact ‘handle’ my nasty, sarcastic, bitchy side. Maybe because it was me not ‘God’ giving it to them?

Hugs & thoughts are with you. One breath at a time & you’ll come out the other side. Somehow, we always do.
Liberty Brunet´s last blog post ..Dinner with the Sibs…

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Sarah June 20, 2011 at 10:02 pm

I’m there with you.
Every day feels like a crisis and sometimes just breathing is a chore. But you do it anyway, because you have to. Because no amount of desire to let go will make you stop.
I am SO there with you and I am giving you a hug.
Sarah´s last blog post ..Little Boxes

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MJ June 24, 2011 at 12:38 pm

Sorry, sweet friend. You and yours are in my thoughts and prayers.

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Rennee Christina wilson March 26, 2014 at 2:06 pm

Hang in there …It will end soon enough I’m sure of it…and honestly giving up is not a option I’ve done it before and its the worst thing you can do….no matter how hard it gets stay strong and always play your card right as well as pray every chance u get and ill b doing the same for u ‘ll :)

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