Don’t say I didn’t warn you

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Because men and women mostly don’t understand each other, I’ve come up with the 9 most popular phrases women use when dealing with men. So. If you’re a man I suggest you read this, memorize it, and live it. For your safety and quality of life, of course.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut the hell up.

Example: Man and woman are standing in the kitchen. Woman says, “wow, it’s really cold outside today.” Man makes a face and says, “it’s not cold. it’s balmy. There’s a huge difference between cold and balmy.” Woman suddenly wishes her know-it-all husband would die in some mysterious accident. But he continues, “see honey, the weather man just said it’s 40 degrees outside. That’s not even close to being cold.” Wife grabs the biggest knife in the drawer and begins sharpening it. “Fine,” she says as she lunges towards him.

(2) Five Minutes: If the woman is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Example: Same irritating man from example number one is pacing the bedroom and asking the woman, “How much longer? We’re going to be late for the kickoff.” Woman turns on the water to the bathtub, pours in bubble bath, grabs her book and yells back, “Five minutes!”

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in ‘fine.’

Example: The very same man stands in the kitchen and watches out the window as the woman schlepps the trash cans to the curb without so much as a ‘here honey let me do that for you.‘ Woman enters the house, slams the door and heads to the fridge for a nice glass of wine. Man is there, stuffing his face with leftover spaghetti and not using a plate OR a napkin, but instead eating right out of the plastic container, dropping forkfuls of spaghetti on counter and freshly mopped floor. Woman sighs heavily as she reaches for the bottle of wine while trying to keep her eye from twitching and her hands from shaking. Man looks at wife and asks, “What’s wrong?” she closes refrigerator door, smiles at him through clenched teeth and says, “Nothing.”

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

Example: Same adorable woman is tired from a long day of carpool lines, toddler playdates, delivering food to the elderly, sewing a baby blanket (which she had to get up at 4am to do) and preparing a gourmet meal for the family. Man comes in dressed in basketball gear, carrying a basketball. Woman asks, “Where are you off to?” He says, “Didn’t I tell you? I’ve joined a men’s basketball league. It’s every Tuesday from 7 to 10.” He leans down to kiss her on the forehead and she suddenly has the urge to chop off his man parts with a butter knife. She fights the urge, sighs and says, “But Tuesdays are the days you put the kids to bed so I can have a break.” He pouts and says, “Oh, that’s right. I forgot about that. I don’t have to go.” Wife then says, “It’s ok. Go ahead.”

(5) Loud Sigh: This isn’t actually a word, but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

Example: Stupid, stupid man comes home from work and says, “I invited some of the guys over to watch the game. I hope that’s ok. You don’t have to do anything. You won’t even know they’re here. I’ll order pizza and I promise I’ll clean up and have everyone out of here by 10.” Woman says nothing, just lets out a huge sigh. He takes this as a good sign (See, I told you he was stupid). A while later she finds his wallet on the dresser. she takes out his credit card, sits in front of the computer with a bottle of wine and proceeds to order $1500 worth of goodies for herself. She feels she totally deserves it.

(6) That’s OK: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Example: Woman is excited about going to the hottest new restaurant in town. When the man is late getting home from work, she calls him on his cell and learns he’s still at work and won’t be home for another hour. He apologizes and promises to make it up to her. She says “That’s OK,” before hanging up and wondering what life would be like if she were married to George Clooney, because she’s sure George Clooney would never stand her up.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question it. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here – This is true, unless she says ‘Thanks a lot’ – that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say ‘You’re welcome’ to a ‘Thanks a lot’– that will bring on a ‘Whatever’).

Example: In an attempt to make up for being a total douchebag, the man takes the woman’s car and fills it up with gas. She notices this and says, “Thanks.” The man has no idea what to do next.

(8) Whatever: Is a woman’s way of saying’Get lost you idiot’

Example: Man comes back from mailbox and yells, “Holy shit! My credit card statement is over $5000! I don’t even know what some of these charges are! What is Loccitane? And Anthropologie? And Tods? I’m calling the credit card company right now! Someone charged over $1500 worth of stuff on my card!” Woman stops him from dialing and says, “Don’t call. That was me. I got a few things that I needed.” Man’s jaw drops and he puts his hand on his chest and says, “I think I’m having a heart attack. I need a drink of water.” Woman rolls her eyes, go to the kitchen and fetches the ‘heart attack victim’ a glass of lukewarm tap water. He gulps it down and asks, “What in the hell were you thinking?” She says, “Well, let’s recap. Lately you’ve joined a men’s basketball league on the nights you’re supposed to help me out, you had your buddies over for the game and promised to clean up and have everyone gone by 10–-which neither happened, you cancelled dinner on me at the last minute when you KNEW I really wanted to go to that restaurant, and you constantly contradict everything i say.” Man is confused and has no earthly idea where this hostility is coming from. He then says, “but I put gas in your car.” Woman shakes her head and says, “Whatever.”

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking ‘What’s wrong?’ For the woman’s response refer to #3.

Example: Man is truly sorry for his douchebag ways and has been trying to do better. For two weeks he has taken the trash to the street. This makes the woman very happy. The 3rd week he goes back to his normal routine of standing in the kitchen, eating leftovers out of the bowl while the there’s-going-to-be-a-statue-erected-in-my-honor-one-day woman ONCE AGAIN schlepps the same goddamn trash cans to the curb for the millionth time. Man happens to look out the window in time to see this happening and runs outside to help. She glares at him for what she’s certain is also the millionth time and says, “Don’t worry about, i got it.”

Got any phrases you wanna add to the list? You know what to do.