My phone rang the other day and it was my grandmother, Mimi. You all remember her, right? The one who imagines snakes that aren’t there, hates Whoopi Goldberg (but not because she’s Black), and can’t hear for shit.
Anyway, so about the hearing thing. It’s getting out of hand. Because now she’s hearing people say things that aren’t remotely true–or even close to what they’re actually saying.
She’s having some trouble with her hearing aids. One problem being that she forgets to wear them.
Now, the conversation.
“Hello?”
“Hello, Shauna. This is your Mimi.”
“Hi Mimi. How are you?”
“I’m fine. Well, that’s not exactly true. I went to the doctor and he told me something is wrong with my brain.”
“WHAT? Did you see a neurologist?”
“Huh?”
“A NEUROLOGIST. DID YOU SEE ONE?”
“No. I went to my hearing aid doctor.”
(What the fuck’s a hearing aid doctor?) “Oh. I don’t understand. Who told you there’s something wrong with your brain?”
“HE did. I told him I was having trouble with my hearing aids and he said it wasn’t my hearing aids at all. That something is wrong with my brain.”
I sat there for a second and thought about what she was saying. Something wasn’t adding up. In fact, it made no sense at all. “Are you sure he said something is wrong WITH YOUR BRAIN?”
“Yes, I’m sure.”
“Could he have said ‘I like to ride the train’?”
“No.”
“How about ‘look over at that gigantic crane’?”
“NO.”
“You’re throwing your money down the drain?”
“No, Shauna. He said BRAIN. I heard him.”
“Chain? Stain? Main? Pain?”
“Oh shut up you smart ass.”
And then the phone went dead. My own grandmother hung up on me.
You know, after further review I think there might be something wrong with MY brain.
PS. The doctor never said there was anything wrong with her brain. She heard him wrong. But I could have told you that BEFORE my mom called the doctor and asked.
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
you should talk to her on the phone more often. It’s sooo entertaining!
Bellawriter´s last [type] ..It sounds like it should be so wrong- but it’s just so addictively delicious
Agr3ee with Bellawriter!
I nearly pee on my pants; it was like talking to my nanna!
Vanilla North´s last [type] ..north green 22
Ok, sorry but My Fair Lady is one of my faves lol it’s *IN the plain, not on…I feel Audrey was speaking to me and was telling me to correct you. I’m sorry blame it on her. Your Mimi is hilarious.
Kaye´s last [type] ..A really great weekend
Grandmothers are the coolest.
Becky Mochaface´s last [type] ..So I Married a Video Gamer
That was so funny. It makes me miss my poor grandma (she has been gone a long time now) but she used to make me go to the store and buy her hamburger, she would open the corner of the wrapper stick her thumb in it to make sure it wasn’t “bad”. When she passed away I think we threw out about 30 packages of hamburger with an open corner from her freezer. She was nutty in so many ways – I only hope I am as crazy as she was but I really hope I realize it!
Jennifer´s last [type] ..PRESCHOOL TACTLESSNESS