Every once in awhile I get an invitation to a fancy grownup party. You know, one of those without a bounce house and a pen full of barnyard animals. No offense to furry, chirpy things, but sometimes a girl just wants to go to a party where someone isn’t handing out squirtfuls of anti-bacterial gel, but Cosmopolitans. Or Champagne.
Recently I was invited to one of these non-kid friendly parties.
And a rainbow appeared right above my head. It was weird.
Anyway, my joyous excitement was quickly deflated when I started perusing my wardrobe. Oh, I have beautiful dresses. That wasn’t the problem. I have about 6 and I’ve worn each of them maybe once. They’re mostly knee length and very SNUG.
That was the problem.
I won’t make this post *YET AGAIN about my recent weight gain. Although I will say there must be something biologically chemically wrong with me. (If you’re a doctor please feel free to prescribe me some anti-fat pills. I’m desperate). *If you want to read more of my whining about my weight gain, refer to my last 47 posts about it.
Anyway, I tried on the dresses, one after the other.
Dress #1: Couldn’t get it zipped all the way.
Dress #2: Couldn’t get it over my ass.
Dress #3: Ripped the entire left seam when I kneeled in a squat position trying to “stretch it.”
Dress #4: Holy shit I don’t know how it happened but I got it on, zipped, and could actually walk in it while breathing. Nobody move.
It was clear we had a winner. Which was awesome because we were running out of options.
I breathed a sigh of relief. I could go to the party AND fit in a dress I already owned without having to A)buy a new one in a larger size; B)kill myself.
On the day of the party I showered, shaved my legs (you might note the date: July 10, 2010: because who knows when this will happen again), straightened my hair and applied makeup. It was like I was an actual girl and everything!
I carefully got in the dress, zipped it up, and vowed not to eat even one tiny canape at the party. Because honestly, this baby could blow any minute.
Next decision? Shoes.
I laid out several pairs of high heeled strappy gems and tried them on. I narrowed it down to two pair but couldn’t decide which ones looked the best.
I put on one of each and walked through the house, looking for some good girly advice. I found my 15 year old and modeled them for her. She liked both of them. Well that was absolutely no help.
I then found my 8 year old and asked her opinion. She liked the one on the left. I was leaning more to the one on the right.
No one else was home but Ethan. So I did what every normal person does and asked a five year old what shoes his mother should wear to a fancy party.
He said I should wear one of each.
One of each. How ridiculous.
Thanks for the great advice, Buddy.
I checked the time and hurried back to my room for some last minute finishing touches. I picked an evening bag and filled it with the necessities. You know, lip gloss, credit card, phone, gum.
I brushed my teeth, reapplied lip gloss, checked out the boob cleavage situation (I must say it was very nice) and practiced laughing and smiling in the mirror.
I got in the car and drove downtown to the hotel where the party was being hosted. The valet guy took my keys and as I made my way to the ballroom I felt myself relaxing. I was going to have a good time for a few hours and hopefully forget (at least for a few hours) how absolutely exhausted I am.
A server offered me a glass of champagne and I stood there and sipped it while my eyes panned the room, looking for someone ANYONE I recognized.
I spotted my old editor and headed her direction. I was so excited. I hadn’t seen her in almost a year and she’d come to town specifically for this event. I couldn’t wait to catch up and enjoy some real quality girl talk. When I reached her she looked at me and smiled and pulled me in for a hug and said, “You know you have on two different shoes, right?”
Check, please.
*********
In other NOT embarrassing news: we have a winner of the contest from earlier this week. If your name is Chocho, you win. Dude. You LICK your finger BECAUSE it’s dirty? Even I’m not that weird.
But YAY YOU! You win a $50 gift card to Target! Email your address to me at shauna@shaunaglenn.com
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Wearing two different shoes is what all the kids do nowadays. It’s all the rage.
Avitable´s last [type] ..The only perspective that matters What to expect at BlogHer10
“practiced laughing and smiling in the mirror” – I didn’t think anyone did that but me. Thank you. I’m at least as normal as you.
And don’t worry about the shoe thing. We’ve all done it.
Hamlet’s Mistress´s last [type] ..I Don’t Cook
That’s hilarious. I did that once, in 8th grade lol.
Kaye´s last [type] ..Some pics from the family reunion!
I wore two different running shoes to the gym once. And no…it wasn’t on purpose.
apathy lounge´s last [type] ..Frenemy
I hate to point this out but my mom does that every so often also. But she is 63.
Ok, forget I said anything.
That’s funny. I’m getting fat too. Somewhere out there someone is losing ALOT of weight and well, I found the shit!
That’s also really very funny about the shoes. I would have pimped that all night long and pretended to be drunk and everyone would have been like “OMG she fell off the wagon” and they say no publicity is bad publicity right…
Maybe you started the next fashion craze. We could probably even get them to name it after you.
Becky Mochaface´s last [type] ..Snoozing
That might be one of my favorite posts!
Veronica´s last [type] ..Oh Katy Perry
EXACTLY!! I knew Chocho was going to run that one! I mean, honestly, who can compete with that kind of crazy?!
And really, you should have stayed at the party. You could have either A) found a seat at the bar or a table where you could have inconspicuously tucked your feet out of sight or B) quickly downed several drinks and been that woman who kicks off her shoes and dances on the bar. I know which road I would have taken…
Rachel´s last [type] ..FrankenWinston
It is oddly comforting to know that I am not the only one who practices smiling in the mirror while I drive. I mean, I KNOW how to smile, I just feel that practicing it will make my smile look much more natural. You know, doing a fake one will help the real one…? OK, I realize my reasoning is falling apart here. Screw all that. Basically I’m just checking my teeth for foreign objects.
Babybloomr´s last [type] ..My Radio Boyfriend
I hope you told Ethan that he wins the ‘make mommy look a little bit crazy’ contest. besides, I’m all for the kicking off the shoes thing at those kinds of events. At least you had a hot dress you fit into.
Bellawriter´s last [type] ..When crazy angry brain gremlins threaten to burst your brain box
Awesome. It’s like when I leave the house and realize my clothes are on backwards, or I have refried beans in my bra.
The Sweetest´s last [type] ..If the Shoe Fits…
The sounds of seams crumbling with the bend-and-stretch technique is soul crushing.
Amanda´s last [type] ..Shock in a box
Again, you made me laugh out loud! That was funny! You should have walked around like you knew they were different, and were making a fashion statement!
The big question is: Did you go change or just go with it? I think it would be a great conversation starter.
This is priceless!