You know when you look at a woman and you’re not sure if she’s pregnant but she might be? I mean she *looks* pregnant because her mid section is disproportionately larger than the rest of her which would signal Bun. Oven.
BUT!
You don’t know for sure because you don’t know her because she’s a stranger you happen to be standing in line at the grocery story with but you were going to be nice and say something about babies; or you DO know her but not well enough to have heard anything about her “through the grapevine” because you haven’t seen her since high school but she just bumped into you at Dillard’s and said “Shauna Meyer, is that YOU?”; or… I don’t know why I’m making up scenarios because I don’t really even care anymore about whether some fat ass woman may or may not be pregnant because what this story is really about is ME.
You know what’s worse than someone thinking you’re pregnant and you’re not?
Someone calling you a “sir” when you’re a “ma’am.”
Do I *look* like a drag queen? I mean, be honest. Is it difficult to tell whether or not I have a penis? (I don’t, in case you’re wondering). Do I have man hands? A visible adam’s apple I’m not aware of. Is the hair growing out of my chin giving the appearance of a beard? Is my hair receding? Am I balding in the back? Do I walk like a DUDE?
Because you guys, I just don’t know anymore. I’m worried that I was born a boy and my parents always wanted a girl so they raised me as one but only now, because of the kindness of some douche canoe at the mall, I know the truth.
I was born a man. Without a penis. And balls.
(Will this get me on the Today Show?)
It was awful. I was strolling through the god forsaken mall (one of my LEAST favorite activities), minding my own business, when I stopped at the mall’s only kiosk worth stopping at (also known as Auntie Anne’s), and proceeded to order a pretzel dog oh my god yum. The punk behind the counter said, “would you like a drink with that, SIR?”
I looked around to see who he could possibly be talking to because he did not just mistake me for a man.
I was wearing a sundress. And lipgloss. I am *clearly* a ma’am.
In my highest pitch estrogen-filled voice I uttered, “Diet Coke, please,” and continued in my head, “you stupid fuck.”
He didn’t correct himself or get embarrassed for his obvious gender screwup or ANYTHING. He just kept filling my order like nothing even happened.
And that’s the first time in my 40 years that anyone has mistaken me for a GUY.
Now if you’ll excuse me I must go kill myself. Have a great day.
PS. This explains my fascination with the vagina. So there’s THAT.
{ 17 comments… read them below or add one }
I used to do that a lot when I worked at Wal-Mart. I’d call women sir because I would get a long line of men and then ONE woman would come and i’d say sir. It’s hard to correct yourself after that. It’s not you, but I think you know that lol.
I know that guy. He told me he gets so bored with his shitty mall job that he messes with people all day long by addressing them as the opposite gender. He said “Man, it really screws with their heads! I LOVE IT.”
Suebob´s last [type] ..The Unseen World
It may be that he was developmentally retarded. My 3 year old is having issues with gender where he inverts the pronouns. “There’s Mommy. What’s he doing?”. We’re always correcting him but it still hasn’t sunk in. Maybe this guys parents never corrected him and it just ballooned from there.
DarkTouch´s last [type] ..What is Open Gaming
Sorry you had to go through that sir.
*smile* but seriously what was his prob?
That would be so something I would do. Call people by the other gender titles just to screw with their heads. But then I’m probably evil.
Becky Mochaface´s last [type] ..Namaste
I mostly like to gravitate to the grocery checkouts where the person behind the register is 135 and has cataracts. Because they always think I’m too young to buy wine and that makes me feel better about myself.
apathy lounge´s last [type] ..Righteous indignation to follow Proceed with caution
And you didn’t say ‘thank you ma’am’ to that guy? Hmm.
I like how you bring it full circle though. Maybe this *does* explain your fascination with the cooch.
I would never mistake you for a guy. You’re too adorable.
bellawriter´s last [type] ..Review- review- review
When I was 13, at the pinnacle of pre-ad identity crisis, I decided to cut off all my hair in a Jersey surfer cut. Which only boys wore. I didn’t care. I was COOL.
Until the first time some random person referred to me as “son”. And then it was “cute little boy”. And I died, over and over.
Naturally all of my children are dressed in very pink or very blue clothing, my daughter has her ears pierced and longish hair, my son has a mohawk and is only allowed to wear red or blue. The baby wears flowers on her head.
Because what good is being a parent if we can’t fob off all our personal demons on our children?
(and you so don’t look like a guy. The kid was probably high.)
Jess´s last [type] ..smoothies
i just want to be “miss” again. anything other than that pisses me off.
pattypunker´s last [type] ..she’s wicked in all the right ways
I could tell that you were one HPOA, the moment I laid eyes on you, Shauna. You should have showed him your (oYo) …like you did to me. Call me.
Ma’am kills me. Sir would just make me laugh. Seriously? You could never be a sir. You’re wwwwwaaaaaaaayyyyyy to hot.
There is a woman at work who I swear is 13 months pregnant. I’m surprised they haven’t induced her yet.
When I was a kid, people used to think I was a girl all the time because of my really long eyelashes.
They still think I’m a girl, but now it’s mostly because of the gown and heels.
moooooog35´s last [type] ..Like a Great Big Bottle of GENIUS
He likely didn’t mean to say sir it just slipped. Like when you work at night all the time and are used to saying have a nice night and then they throw you a random day shift in there and you keep saying night instead of day
He was probably trying to disguise the fact that he thought you were a MILF!
I told you to shave off those side burns. Jesus, Shauna.
Indeed, there’s that.
Like Norm said-I’m sure it was just a slip. When you deal with the public, you say so many, many things sometimes a word just slips out without you even noticing. Like a nipple.
I don’t think I’ve ever been seriously mistaken for a guy, just a child. I’ve gotten many phone calls where they ask if my mommy is home.
Or being short I’m used to being totally ignored when waiting in line for lunchmeat or various other items one orders from a high counter.
Sa la vie.