Yesterday I was minding my own business, watching a little TV, when my best guy friend called.
“What are you doing?” He asked.
“Not much. Just catching up on current events.”
“What does that mean? You’re reading the newspaper? Surfing gossip websites?”
“Uh. Actually I’m watching the World Cup.”
“WHAT? YOU HATE SOCCER! YOU SAID (AND I QUOTE) IF SOCCER KNOCKED ON YOUR FRONT DOOR YOU’D INVITE HIM IN AND STAB HIM AND FEED HIM TO YOUR CAT.”
“I meant to say I’d feed him to my dogs. My cat’s an asshole and only eats fancy food out of a can. And not the stuff from the dollar store. I don’t know how he does it but he can totally tell when I try to switch his food to the cheaper canned stuff. And he just sits there and gives me dirty looks.”
“SHAUNA. STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR DUMB CAT!”
“Jesus, you don’t have to yell at me.”
“Well I was trying to get your attention but you just kept going on and on and oh my god I’m totally exhausted now.”
“You’re such a girl.”
“Can we please talk about you watching the World Cup?”
“What’s there to say about it?”
“For starters…you hate soccer. And you’ve been bitching about how the World Cup is ‘taking over TV’ for like the past six days.”
“What do you do, write down every fucking thing I say so you can replay it for me whenever it suits you?”
“Maybe.”
“Oh my god, he almost scored.”
“Who’s playing?”
“A green team and a burgundy-ish colored team.”
“That actually tells me nothing.”
“Please god, just let him take off his shirt. Please. I’m begging you.”
“You know I’m still on the phone with you right?”
“Huh? What?”
“And now it makes perfect sense. You’re watching Cristiano Ronaldo aren’t you.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I don’t know anyone’s name. All I know is a guy this hot should be illegal. And he should also take off his shirt.”
“You’re unbelievable.”
“You’re just jealous because no one wants you to take off *your* shirt.”
“True story.”
“What were we talking about?”
“Soccer.”
“Oh god, I hate soccer.”
“Yeah. I know. Who’s winning?”
“Like I fucking care. I’m just here for the view.”
“Good looking guys are all assholes you know. If Cristiano Ronaldo was at your house right now he’d spend the entire time looking at himself in the mirror. He wouldn’t pay one bit of attention to you.”
“That’s what all genetically inferior men say.”
“I bet he has horrible body odor. He looks like one of those guys who smells bad all the time. He probably doesn’t use deodorant like Matthew McConaughey. And he’s oily. Like he rubs himself down with baby oil. Ooh. And I would be willing to bet a lot of money that he can’t spell worth a shit. I know how much you hate it when people aren’t good spellers.”
“For a straight guy you know way too much about hot celebrity men.”
“I know. It’s a form of self abuse. Plus, everyone needs someone to hate. Makes it worth getting out of bed every day.”
“Do me a favor. Don’t ever say ‘oily’ again. I just added it to the list of words I hate.”
“I’m gonna let you get back to watching soccer. I can’t even say that with a straight face.”
“Bite me.”
“Oh. But remember, he can’t actually ‘feel’ you licking him through the TV screen.”
“Are you standing outside my window?”
“Nope. You’re just too easy.”
“Your mom’s easy.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
{ 15 comments… read them below or add one }
How you went through this entire post without a double entrendre about ‘balls’ or ‘head shots’ or ‘vuvuzelas’ I have no idea.
* golf clap
.-= moooooog35´s last blog ..Wrapping up the Week – June 20, 2010 =-.
Hahaha did I drunk dial you? must have. I hate oily.
Okay too funny. I actually like soccer. It’s the only sport I watch with any kind of interest or knowledge. I have to back up your friend, Christiano Ronaldo is hot but he’s a total douche. I’ve read the reports. Wait until Netherlands play and watch Robin Van Persie. AAAAHHHH!
Oh, and a lot of these guys take their shirts off when the game ends.
Just FYI.
.-= Bellawriter´s last blog ..Nothing much really =-.
Oh…and I was going to say, the word “bohunk” made me totally think of the movie Sixteen Candles.
Double win.
.-= Bellawriter´s last blog ..Nothing much really =-.
OMFG I adore you…
Really! That was priceless!
.-= Steph´s last blog ..(i’m) Not Afraid Of Your Pain: The Jason Cartwright Memorial Foundation =-.
If the guys are hot enough we can put up with a lot. When my husband was racing, the overwhelming hotness was what gave me the stamina to sit through a three hour cycling event.
.-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..I Got Nothin’ =-.
i never even hear the vuvuzelas. my sense of vision dominates when the world cup is on.
ROFL! That is the only reason I watched too!
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ’0 which is not a hashcash value.
You might just have gotten me interested in watching a soccer game…
.-= neeroc´s last blog ..How not to inspire confidence =-.
She get-ing married. To oily bo-hunk.
Married?!
Yeah, married. Shees!
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..You have no power over me =-.
They take their shirts off and exchange them with the opposing team. How would you like my sweaty jersey?
The biggest problem with Cristiano Ronaldo is that he plays for the big club in Spain — the Yankees of futbol, Real Madrid.
But, can’t blame the guy for following the money — “Galway-based ForgottenGold.com has worked out that Ronaldo is worth 57 times his weight in gold.”
He did net 3 for Portugal this morning in a 7-0 massacre.
Hilarious, even though I love soccer and the World Cup.
Ronaldo has talent to spare but I once saw him go to the ground like he’d been shot. The replay showed that the offending player hadn’t come within a foot of him. I hate that kind of crap.
“That’s what all genetically inferior men say.”
Best. Line. Ever.
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