Most of you probably aren’t familiar with the publishing business. I had no idea what went into getting something published until I started the process five years ago. Had I known then what I know now I probably would’ve chosen another profession. Like fingernail removal…my own, of course (I wonder how much I would’ve paid me).
People think writing a book is hard. Dude. That’s the easiest friggin part. I’m convinced that ANYBODY can write the damn thing. Because frankly, most of us have one decent book in us. And we can all spell and put sentences and paragraphs together and tie it up all nicely and type THE END at the bottom.
But do you have what it takes to get it to the next level? Can you stomach the rejection?…the waiting to hear back?…the voices in your head that tell you to junk punch the guy who won’t stop smacking his gum in Starbucks?
Because if you’re shaking your head right now then it’s best you leave the book publishing to the clinically insane.
In other words…people like ME.
When I completed my first manuscript five years ago I began the tediously difficult task of querying agents. Right after I looked up what Query Letter meant. Because let me tell you, when I read that the way to get your stuff published was through an agent and the way to get an agent was to “query” them, I was like Son Of A Bitch You Mean I Have To Write Something ELSE?! I just *finished* writing!
Anyway, yada yada yada, I landed an agent. Eighteen months and a wine soaked liver later.
We were together two years and just recently parted ways.
Which leaves me without an agent.
(I’m suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Quick, somebody call BP. Surely they’ll know what to do)
So.
I’ve been trying to come up with a clever query letter to send out to agents. Because seriously, if you don’t get their attention in the first SENTENCE you can toss out any hope that they’ll ask to see your manuscript.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
And this is the actual email I sent to one agent.
Subject: I hate the word query almost as much as I hate the word moist
I was going to send you a query letter for my manuscript Good Mourning, but Jesus Christ, I’m SO over that book already and it hasn’t even been published yet. And if you take me on as a client and the manuscript sells I will NO DOUBT have to edit and rework and…if I have to read that flippin thing one more time I might stab out my eyeballs.
SO.
Instead I would like to tell you what it is I want because my dad always said, “Shauna, if you want something you have to go out and get it.” And my mom always said, “But you can’t get up from the table until you’ve finished everything on your plate.”
It’s a wonder I’m not 300 pounds.
Ahem.
I’m a writer (naturally) and have completed 3 manuscripts.
I started a website http://www.shaunaglenn.com a few years ago and have several thousand readers a day. I have a decent following on Twitter (11,000), and I’m not ugly. Oh and I’m a really good speller. And can remember most people’s birthdays. I’m outgoing and not shy at all–so you could put me on TV and give me my own radio show on Sirius and I’d do just fine. BETTER than fine. Because I’m not shy. Well, my colon is shy, but I’m not. What I mean by that is I have a hard time going to the bathroom in public. Number 2. Not number 1. I can pretty much go number 1 anywhere and probably have. Like even in a parking lot. But that was mostly in college. I try to hold it now until I find an *actual* toilet. But I imagine if I have my own show there will be a bathroom. Right?
Did I mention I’m not ugly?
I write for several other websites and have been writing a column in Fort Worth Texas magazine for the last 4 years. Last year D Magazine’s editor in chief, Tim Rogers, called me his favorite local writer. THAT went to my head like you wouldn’t believe. I almost had t-shirts made. OK I had ONE made, but I only wear it every time I go out in public.
Anyway…what I’m asking is that you read a few of the stories I’ve inserted here. My idea is to possibly skip the fiction and write a book of essays/short stories based on the ones on the blog.
By now you may be wondering who does this chick think she is contacting me like this all unsolicited and shit. Well this chick is Shauna Glenn. Nice to meet you.
PS. I feel like this went well.
PPS. I’m not one of them diva types who will come with a list of demands when she shows up for the first day of her TV show. I like most kinds of food and am fine with tap water.
PPPS. I’m gonna need a babysitter for my kids.
PPPPS. And wine.
PPPPPS. I’m super positive after rereading this that you’re going to make me a star.
So.
I haven’t heard anything from him yet but I’m sure I will any day now. I mean if I got a letter from me like that I’d be all HELL YEAH I’LL MAKE YOU A STAR!
Besides, if Wendy Williams can have her own TV show then DUDE. I’m a shoe in.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
If I could, I’d make you a star. You are hilarious. And totally not ugly.
You crazy gorgeous talented funny girl.
She’s probably still laughing because that was AWESOME!
sarah´s last blog ..In Your What?
You should definitely make the t-shirts…as long as it has the word vagina on it in REALLY small letters (maybe the invisible kind)…*people* (me) will buy ANYTHING (serious, make the shirts, you can say it’s for “charity” …cuz it kind of is
How about a tshirt that reads… No vagina was harmed in the making of this Tshirt.
DETAILS TO FOLLOW SOON
I will *totally* make you a star. Except I’m not an agent. Nor do I know anything about publishing. I should probably get on that, if I’m gonna be making you a star. Or I could just make you cookies. If they come from the store. And they’re already baked.
Right. I should probably be going now. I’ve got a lot of work to do.
Thanks anyway.
Dear AGENT, or whomever else thinks that this letter may concern them,
Shauna Glenn is a lady with a handful of filth. She is extremely funny, and hardly ever boring.
Mrs Glenn is full of truth, and has told very few lies in her entire lifetime, which, you have to admit, is a long time.
She may be way out~there, but fortunately, she can’t recall exactly how she got there. So basically, she’s worthless as a BoyScout den mother.
She is brief, and to the point, and doesn’t beat about the bush, like I do. I’m totally kidding. I don’t have a bush. Shauna does.
All joking aside, Shauna is a lovely person. You should publish her. She doesn’t want to glue your d**k to your belly, like I do.
GOOD LUCK SHAUNA! =)
*blowing kisses*
Insanely yours,
SugarBoobs (oYo)
Love it!
Also, how sexy is your masthead? The Mommy Melee is awesome. Not unlike yourself…x
I LOVE MY NEW BANNER–AND MARIA!
Loving the letter and the new banner!
Thank you!
LAUGHING MY FUCKING ASS OFF!!!!!!!
I’ll be your agent, bitch. Just tell me what I need to do.
Allison Zapata´s last blog ..Add one heaping spoonful of vomit, with a sprinkle of dog urine and freeze. Indefinitely.
Well. First you’ll have to go to Agent College.
awesome “query” email! especially the subject line. who wouldn’t read that!
i like your cajones, girlfriend. i’m pretty much stuck thinking about junk punching the guy who is smacking his gum in starbucks.
too funny about the shy colon!
pattypunker´s last blog ..pimpin a painter
If that doesn’t land you an agent, then those agents aren’t worth your precious time.
Don’t worry your pretty little head. It will happen. Just like when that rash cleared up.
Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Official findings: Whoever smelt it, dealt it.
You need to give lessons in resume cover letter writing. Seriously. I need to receive more (one? any? some?) written like this. At least I wouldn’t find myself snoring on the insurmountable pile of them.
neeroc´s last blog ..Subterfuge and sequins
Ok I will tell you what I want. First. I want the no vagina line moved down and onto the second pink bar, since the photo overlaps it already. Next I want the please send wine back underneath the 5 on the empty spot. Face it. Its a funny line but you still need people to ship you wine right?
Now that we have that cleared up….I wrote 4 books all under 300 pages each in the 8 format. The writing is easy. getting people to read good writing is easy. Finding a publisher that can actually see sunlight instead of the junction of the intestine and upper colon…..not so easy.
The old standbys are crap unless your a son or granddaughter of someone. keep looking at the up and comers, and thats the ride to take.
Moist is bad,like mold and fungus. Soaking Wet is sexy.
I’ll hire you. And we can make out.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Iron Man
Done
Ha ha!! Fantastic. My second book is coming out this Christmas (small publisher) and I *still* don’t have an agent. Ah wells. I’m sure I’ll get one eventually.
Keep it up chickita.
Btw, if an agent doesn’t snap you up based on that query letter, clearly-they don’t understand the language of awesome.
Bellawriter´s last blog ..If this is a sign, I’m screwed!
You already are a star. If I knew how to be an agent, I would offer my services.
Nona´s last blog ..Banana pudding
This is rockstar awesome, and so Shauna. If they pick you up based on this, it’s because they want YOU, and not the potentially-publisher-fabricated you. Love it.
The Sweetest´s last blog ..Opportunities Lost and Gained
who the hell is wendy williams???
EXACTLY
You are the postscript MASTER:
PS. I feel like this went well.
PPS. I’m not one of them diva types who will come with a list of demands when she shows up for the first day of her TV show. I like most kinds of food and am fine with tap water.
PPPS. I’m gonna need a babysitter for my kids.
PPPPS. And wine.
PPPPPS. I’m super positive after rereading this that you’re going to make me a star
Years ago I went to a TCU writer’s workshop. I was already writing for the paper here and THOUGHT I might one day like to write something larger. Like a book. But then they started talking about Query Letters and I was all “oh HELL no!” and that was pretty much the end of it.
apathy lounge´s last blog ..I Think I’ll Call This Post "Tacolicious"
Wait, isn’t it shoo in? Or are you being punny? Or am I just really bad at my idioms?
statia´s last blog ..Clearly my microwave is smarter than me.
You could totally kick Wendy Williams’ ass any day. That letter made me want to become an agent so I could do agentish things for you. Like not in a lesbian way, but in a badass I will make you lots of money way.
BecZhang´s last blog ..you know you wish you could drive me to my doctor appointments
I admire what you’ve performed the following. I like the aspect where by you say you happen to be carrying out this to give back but I’d assume by all the comments that that is working for you personally too.
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