So…I turned 40.
It was uneventful. Well, except for the 583 emails I received wishing me a Happy Birthday. That? Was awesome. (and thank you. really)
But mostly? It was just another day.
I woke up. Made the kids’ lunches. Drove them to school. Got cut off by an asshole driver who was *clearly* in a way bigger hurry than me.
Went to the gym. Got on the elliptical machine for 40 minutes… and then was subjected to an ass beating by my trainer. Ah. Bliss.
Came home.
Showered.
Got dressed… which included drying my hair, applying makeup, and putting on a BRA.
Then.
I did what every other woman does on her 40th birthday… I went to renew my driver’s license.
Yes. I’m *that* person.
In my defense I didn’t realize that my license was expiring on my birthday until the TSA agent at the airport kindly pointed that out to me last week.
Fuck.
And normally I wouldn’t be in such a rush to renew my license, but I must get on a plane again next week. And the week after that. And I may be wrong, but TSA doesn’t joke around with expired licenses and containers filled with raccoon sperm.
Trust me.
So.
To the DMV I went.
I walked into the dimly lit building, which by the way, smelled like the inside of a tennis shoe worn by a sweaty homeless guy from Louisiana (no offense to actual Louisiana sweaty homeless people who wear tennis shoes) and immediately noticed the line.
Jesus. It was LONG.
Like long long. Like so long you want to slit your wrists. Or the very least, pluck out your pubic hair, one by one. If, you know, the police wouldn’t arrest you for public indecency. Not that I would know anything about that.
Anyway… So I’m standing in the LONG line and about an hour into it, my eyes meet with a young guy standing behind me.
“Have you adjusted yet?” He asked.
“What do you mean?”
“Since you got out?” He seemed puzzled by my response.
“Got out of where?”
“Don’t you remember me?” Now, he’s clearly offended.
Blink. Blink.
“From two weeks ago? We rode on the van together?”
I had no idea what to say. Who WAS this weirdo? I don’t ride in VANS. Jeez.
“You don’t remember talking to me when we were being transferred to the Mansfield jail?”
What the what? Jail? ME? “I wasn’t in jail. You have me mistaken for someone else.”
“No, I don’t think I do. It was definitely you.”
I could feel my blood pressure begin to rise. Huh. I guess this comes with turning 40. Weird. “Look, I wasn’t in jail two weeks ago! Or two weeks before that! Or, EVER!”
There was an awkward silence. And also? COULD THIS LINE *MOVE* ANY SLOWER??!!
And then I let out an audible sigh. Good. The interrogation seemed to be over.
“Are you sure it wasn’t you? Because you LOOK just like the girl who sat next to me on the van.”
“Oh my god. Was the girl arrested for drunk driving? Or for killing her husband?”
Laughs. “I think she was arrested for theft.”
“Yeah. That wasn’t me.”
“Hmm. Wow. Well, you sure look like her.”
“You probably have me mistaken for Britney Spears.”
“Nope. That’s not it. You look like the girl from jail.”
“Oh really? Well, your mom looks like the girl from jail.”
Yeah. So… It was pretty much like every other day.
Minus the me wearing a bra thing.
I am in stitches, fucking hell that was funny to read.
Of all the people to mistake you for… a girl arrested for theft who sat in the van next to him.
Absolute crackup.
Diane´s last blog ..I have noticed
I find it hard to believe that you’ve never been to jail. Ever. In your whoooooole life.
Avitable´s last blog ..I need your music suggestions.
The only time I’ve been to jail was to bail my boyfriends out. Notice boyfriends is PLURAL. Yeah. I know how to pick em.
I’ve been in jail. Maybe it was me.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Next on Hoarders: Your Aunt Becky
I wanna be half as cool as you when I turn 40. Which by the way, I haven’t decided yet if I’m going to let happen. I may just turn 39b..and then 39c..you get the picture.
You already are WAY cooler than me. But really, is that saying much? You may want to aim a little higher. Just sayin.
I, myself, just turned thirty ten. My 6 yr old is very confused.
Maybe it was like some weird ex-con pickup line? In which case, you should totally be all “Hell yeah, I’m still hot enough to get hit on by dudes who just got out of jail. Forty can kiss my ass!”.
AND–my husband flew with an expired license on our honeymoon to Vegas. Not a big deal with TSA, but just try to buy a beer in the Austin airport with an expired license….TERRORIST! Fucking terrorists…gotta ruin everything…
Kylie´s last blog ..Single’s Scene
Wow. You are hysterical.
But really, you ARE the girl from the jail van, right?
Hadiyah´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday: Precious Moments
you know you can renew online, right? and they just use the picture they have one file
Yes, I know you can renew online. I did that LAST time. And they used the same photo from the time before. The one where I’m 8 months pregnant and donning a brown football helmet hairdo. I felt it was time for a change. That picture is embarrassing.
Hmmmmmmm…
See I could see you as the girl from the “Van down by the river” but not the jail van
What exactly are you trying to say, hmm?
I would have played along with him and talked about how I escaped but he has to keep it a secret. Or not. Again, Happy Birthday gorgeous!
Keyona´s last blog ..For The Last Time
40!!!??? Jesus, that muke your dad very old – like turning 60 next month or something. You look great for an old broad. And remember, age is just a….what was I saying? HB and my you have a haapy 40 more and may I be around to say HB to you.
NU
Um, Normal Uncle. Were you drunk when you posted this comment? Because (and it may just be me) it seems like you were. But even with that, you’re still my most normal relative. Which is a little scary.
That. is. hilarious!
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..The Scariest Moment
40 years old and you look younger than me.
Happy Birthday sweetface.
Miss Grace´s last blog ..Diptych – Rough
Wait. Are there other types of containers of sperm that ARE acceptable to carry on a plane?
Holly {ArtistMotherTeacher}´s last blog ..Sometimes Twitter Looks an Awfully Lot Like High School
I’m glad you asked that question. Per the TSA website, the following sperm samples are acceptable to carry through security:
That of an Alabama Pimp
A husky unicorn
The guy from the movie Mask
Brad Pitt (because Duh)
and
Queen Latifah (you’re not fooling anyone with the word “queen” in your name)
Anyway, weird.
Eeew, that was creepy. Happy belated birthday!!!
Sadie at heyMamas
Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..A waste
god you are funny! thanks for the laugh and making my day better!!!
I am shocked that you’ve never been in jail. My favorite part of the conversation was the ‘your mom’ diss that you threw at him. Classic Shauna.
Renewing your driver’s license AND being mistaken for a girl in jail? Nice 40th birthday. I believe you deserve a do-over.
Ally´s last blog ..Need A Lift?
You’re telling us that you were NOT being transferred from one jail to another and then escaped and renewed your driver’s license? Not buying it!
pixielation´s last blog ..The one about trains, plays and awkward-o-chiles
Must be nice. I get mistaken for PeeWee Herman.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop