Something has gone terribly wrong.
WRONG, I TELL YOU.
People. Are. Disgusting.
And also? They hate me. All of them.
Especially those who enjoy picking their nose in public.
(Hold please while I vomit from the visual picture that is BURNED IN MY BRAIN FOREVER)
But I may be jumping ahead. So let me start from the beginning.
The other day I boarded a plane, settled in my seat, and began flipping through the pages of People magazine. Soon after, the plane zoomed down the runway, and I began my ritual pre-takeoff prayer. The one that goes like this. Dear God. Please don’t let this plane crash and I promise to be a better person and go to church. OK, so maybe I won’t *go* to church, but I will try and drive by church more often on my way to brunch. OH! And I promise to stop running down squirrels on purpose. But really? Squirrels? Could you have *made* a freakier animal? C’mon God, you can do better. Alright, thanks in advance for the not crashing thing. Amen.
So after I’m convinced that the plane is safely in the air (which *still* baffles me–I mean how in the hell is it possible that a building can fly?) I noticed something out of the corner of my eye. The person sitting one row up and across the aisle from me was picking his nose. And I’ve seen my share of booger pickers in my life, trust me. But this was like something I’ve never witnessed before. This guy was a pro. Like, he does this for a living. And man, did he come prepared. He wore a ball cap that he pulled way down to cover his eyes. But dude, that doesn’t make you invisible. WE CAN STILL SEE YOU.
I looked away and silently gagged. After I was sure he was *done* I turned back around and started reading my magazine. But something distracted me again. It was the booger picker. He was at it again. But this time, he had his pinky shoved up his nose and he was going for the gold. I gasped and tried to think happy thoughts. Puppies. Rainbows. Cupcakes. Boogers. SHIT!
I covered my face with my magazine and willed him to stop. And then I wondered if I had anything in my purse I could stab him with. I used to carry a switchblade and a set of nunchucks in my purse but because of the fucking terrorists, I had to start putting them in my checked bag. Stupid terrorists. They have to ruin *everything!*
Just then the flight attendant came down the aisle with the drink cart and I practically tackled her. “I’m gonna need some wine, stat.” She looked at me, gave a quick look and said, “you’re gonna need TWO.” Even SHE knew what was happening right in front of me.
As soon as she passed I glanced at booger boy and he was at it again. This time, he was using his ring finger. The one that donned a wedding band. Immediately I felt sorry for the poor girl he called wife. And then I wondered if she knew about his in-flight activity.
“Hey honey, how was you trip?”
“Great! I picked my nose the whole three hours. It was totally awesome.”
“Oh, babe, that’s great. Welcome home. Please wash your hands before you touch me.”
By the end of the flight booger boy had every single one of his digits in his nose. When I wasn’t completely grossed out I was in awe. Who knew picking your nose could take up so much time. And also, who has that many boogers? I almost feel like I’ve been jipped!
This would normally be the end of the story, but since booger boy, I’ve been privy to about 4 other public booger pickers. It’s like an epidemic.
So what happened post booger retrieval? Did he wipe them on his shirt sleeve? Did he smear them on the seat-back tray? Did he…you know…consume them?!?! I must know how the tale ends!!
Elly Lou´s last blog ..Vajazzling (and the Other Weird Things People Send Me)
“When I wasn’t completely grossed out I was in awe.”
hahahah!
also: BARF!
I remember one time, I worked in an office that had no cubes. It was this whole hip laid back type thing and desks were just out in the open. It sucked, because you’d see that sort of thing ALL THE TIME. I watched one guy pick his ear and then intently inspect the contents for like, FIVE MINUTES. I was pretty agog.
statia´s last blog ..Putting the fan in profanity.
I have actually handed a handkerchief to my fellow travelers. I mean, home training, anyone? I don’t care if they think I am a bitch, I think they are gross and I know everyone else on the plane is on my side. This was for snotty sneezers, but still. You are bugging the rest of us.
The gold digger´s last blog ..In which I tell Primo I won’t talk about Sly and Doris on my blog
I agree. Who has that many boogers up their nose that all fingers make a dig? GROSS!
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..The Scariest Moment
I had a dude snort snot into his hand and then stare at it for a God-awful eternity before wiping it on his tiny drink napkin while sitting next to me on a plane. I wished I was kidding.
He then proceeded to tell me he was 35 years old and on his first flight. Couldn’t tell, since he had the manners of a kindergardener.
He then told me an incredibly rambling story about a BMX competition and some woman who flashed him and his 5 year old son and his 13 year old nephew. While his 5 year old, he claimed hooted, (that’s right, hooted), his 13-year-old nephew looked away. And of course, that’s when the snot blower asked his nephew what was wrong with him–was he gay, and I quote, “Those are a woman’s titties. A real man never looks away.”
It was the worst flight of my life and that’s the one that included mechanical trouble which caused some scary moments. This was more horrifying.
joann mannix´s last blog ..O Canada, Thanks For Everything . . Except Avril Lavigne
So it was thought for the longest time that the reason why planes could fly was due to Bernoulli’s principle (here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bernoulli%27s_principle) but it turns out that it’s not the case and even physicists have no fucking clue why planes fly.
jkru´s last blog ..CAN-A-DA!
I just threw up. Please send me some bleach so that I can bathe in it. Now.
Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Next on Hoarders: Your Aunt Becky
I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.
You didn’t happen to notice if he was able to pull off the Double Thumb tap pick with a twist by any chance? That is been attempted by so many with utter failure. in fact the move is banned in several foreign countries due to a rise in suicides around it
Ken´s last blog ..Joey.. not just the name of a Kangaroo
I sadly used to be that person…but I was 5.
Totally love this!!
Sadie at heyMamas
Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..That’s my job yo
You should have cackled like a crazy old prospector and said “Theeeere’s GOLD in thair hills! Heeheehee!” and done a little jig.
Avitable´s last blog ..The tsunami that hit Hawaii
Um…what exactly did he DO with all his treasures?!
Keyona´s last blog ..No Such Thing As Perfect Family
http://votingfemale.wordpress.com/2010/02/26/obama-the-nose-picker-in-chief-on-live-tv/
Ewwwww! I am typically embarrassed just wiping or blowing mine in public, although sometimes it can’t be helped….like today since my F%U7^&%*$#@ nose won’t stop running from this F&#%&@(%&(@$% virus my children gave me.
Hope you are having a wonderful birthday…
Okay, due to your great writing skills, I now have a mental picture burned into my brain that I could probably have lived without. And I’m flying in a week, which will leave me paranoid about booger pickers…
Ally´s last blog ..Need A Lift?
Firstly, booger boy was most probably doing the nose picking as a form of stress relief. Maybe he was going after a pressure point or something.
Secondly, he was probably going to NosePicker Conference International, and now has them all taking turns following you.
I hope things get better for you soon.
Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop