So is it a tumor or what?

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Something is going on with AT&T Wireless and I’m getting pretty fucking fed up.

Over the last week, I’ve had more calls drop than ever before in my entire LIFE. Even more than the time I was driving around a mountain in New Mexico and swerved to miss hitting a cow and nearly drove off the cliff. But that’s a story for another time…although the punchline goes something like this…I had ZERO cell phone reception.

Anyway, I cannot carry on a fucking conversation without getting cut off in the middle of my fucking sentence.

And I’m about to stab someone in the bicep. I’m looking at YOU, AT&T!

What is your deal? And why do you HATE ME?

I now present my most recent phone conversation.

Ring. Ring.

Hello?

Hey, fellow AT&T subscriber!

Hey you! I was just going to call you.

Really? What’s up?

Well, I had my ultrasound today and I’m having a…..

Beep. Beep. (Call failed pops up on the screen–which is code for “Hi, welcome to AT&T Wireless. We’re sorry your call was dropped, but we like to dress up in drag and have sex with monkeys. Have a nice day!”)

Ring. Ring.

Hello?

God, sorry. I lost you.

It’s ok. I was just telling you that I’m having a….

Beep. Beep. (Call failed)

OH MY FUCKING GOD!

Phone rings.

Hello?

Hello, Shauna. It’s your doctor calling.

Oh, hi.

I just wanted to call and tell you that your test results came back and the spot on your chest was…

Beep. Beep. Call failed.

WAS WHAT? WAS WHAT?

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I figure at this point I have 2 options. A) Throw my phone out the car window; or B) Drive my car into the cement embankment that’s up ahead on the right. I would have to cross over three lanes of traffic, so that’s a little inconvenient, but I’m willing to do it. Either way, AT&T is still having sex with monkeys.

Ring. Ring.

HELLO.

Hey. We keep getting cut off.

I know. AT&T is fucking with me. But it won’t beat me. Quick. Tell me what kind of tumor you’re having.

What?

Oh god. I’m sorry. I was on the phone with the doctor’s office before I got cut off and he was telling me what the spot was on my chest. I imagined he was going to tell me it’s a tumor and that I’m dying from skin cancer.

Oh Shauna. Don’t think like that. I’m sure he isn’t going to tell you that.

You’re probably right. I’m just being dramatic. As usual. Anyway, enough about me and how I’m possibly dying. I wanna hear all about your awesome life. Tell me. What are you having?…..WAIT!

What is it?

Just wait for it.

Wait for what?

The phone to cut off. I feel it coming on. Yes. It’s going to happen any second. Wait for it.

(silence, silence, silence)

I don’t think…

SSSHHHHHH. Don’t say anything. Because the second you start to tell me what kind of baby you’re having it’s going to happen.

I think there’s something wrong with you.

You might be right. But we’re not going to talk about me. This call is about YOU. Do you think they’re listening?

Who?

The people at AT&T. They’re waiting for the right moment and then they’re going to drop the call. I think I even hear them breathing.

That’s me.

Oh.

I’m gonna let you go.

Beep. Beep. (call from doctor interrupts)

Ooh, this is the doctor calling. I gotta get this.

(Sigh) OK, maybe I should text you what I’m having?

Yeah. Whatever. Love ya. Bye.

(clicks over) Hello?

Shauna? This is your doctor again. We got disconnected before.

Yes. We did. AT&T is a crack whore.

I beg your pardon?

Uh…so do I have skin cancer? Is it a tumor? Please don’t tell me you’re going to say the word tumor. Am I going to die?

(laughs nervously) The biopsy came back normal. You don’t have cancer.

Oh thank you. I’m so relieved.

But you should know that….

Beep. Beep. (Call failed)

Should know what? Should know what?

Beep. Beep. (text message from pregnant friend)

I’m having a boy.

Beep. Beep. (second text from pregnant friend)

I think you need to be on medication. Just a thought. Also? I’m pretty sure AT&T is not out to get you. Hope you don’t have a tumor. Call me when you’re normal again.

Pfft. Yeah. Like THAT’S gonna happen.

But Yay! A boy!

Note to AT&T: I hope you get crabs from all the monkey sex you’re having. And, you look fat in that dress and your shoes are ugly. Have a nice day.