Something is going on with AT&T Wireless and I’m getting pretty fucking fed up.
Over the last week, I’ve had more calls drop than ever before in my entire LIFE. Even more than the time I was driving around a mountain in New Mexico and swerved to miss hitting a cow and nearly drove off the cliff. But that’s a story for another time…although the punchline goes something like this…I had ZERO cell phone reception.
Anyway, I cannot carry on a fucking conversation without getting cut off in the middle of my fucking sentence.
And I’m about to stab someone in the bicep. I’m looking at YOU, AT&T!
What is your deal? And why do you HATE ME?
I now present my most recent phone conversation.
Ring. Ring.
Hello?
Hey, fellow AT&T subscriber!
Hey you! I was just going to call you.
Really? What’s up?
Well, I had my ultrasound today and I’m having a…..
Beep. Beep. (Call failed pops up on the screen–which is code for “Hi, welcome to AT&T Wireless. We’re sorry your call was dropped, but we like to dress up in drag and have sex with monkeys. Have a nice day!”)
Ring. Ring.
Hello?
God, sorry. I lost you.
It’s ok. I was just telling you that I’m having a….
Beep. Beep. (Call failed)
OH MY FUCKING GOD!
Phone rings.
Hello?
Hello, Shauna. It’s your doctor calling.
Oh, hi.
I just wanted to call and tell you that your test results came back and the spot on your chest was…
Beep. Beep. Call failed.
WAS WHAT? WAS WHAT?
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I figure at this point I have 2 options. A) Throw my phone out the car window; or B) Drive my car into the cement embankment that’s up ahead on the right. I would have to cross over three lanes of traffic, so that’s a little inconvenient, but I’m willing to do it. Either way, AT&T is still having sex with monkeys.
Ring. Ring.
HELLO.
Hey. We keep getting cut off.
I know. AT&T is fucking with me. But it won’t beat me. Quick. Tell me what kind of tumor you’re having.
What?
Oh god. I’m sorry. I was on the phone with the doctor’s office before I got cut off and he was telling me what the spot was on my chest. I imagined he was going to tell me it’s a tumor and that I’m dying from skin cancer.
Oh Shauna. Don’t think like that. I’m sure he isn’t going to tell you that.
You’re probably right. I’m just being dramatic. As usual. Anyway, enough about me and how I’m possibly dying. I wanna hear all about your awesome life. Tell me. What are you having?…..WAIT!
What is it?
Just wait for it.
Wait for what?
The phone to cut off. I feel it coming on. Yes. It’s going to happen any second. Wait for it.
(silence, silence, silence)
I don’t think…
SSSHHHHHH. Don’t say anything. Because the second you start to tell me what kind of baby you’re having it’s going to happen.
I think there’s something wrong with you.
You might be right. But we’re not going to talk about me. This call is about YOU. Do you think they’re listening?
Who?
The people at AT&T. They’re waiting for the right moment and then they’re going to drop the call. I think I even hear them breathing.
That’s me.
Oh.
I’m gonna let you go.
Beep. Beep. (call from doctor interrupts)
Ooh, this is the doctor calling. I gotta get this.
(Sigh) OK, maybe I should text you what I’m having?
Yeah. Whatever. Love ya. Bye.
(clicks over) Hello?
Shauna? This is your doctor again. We got disconnected before.
Yes. We did. AT&T is a crack whore.
I beg your pardon?
Uh…so do I have skin cancer? Is it a tumor? Please don’t tell me you’re going to say the word tumor. Am I going to die?
(laughs nervously) The biopsy came back normal. You don’t have cancer.
Oh thank you. I’m so relieved.
But you should know that….
Beep. Beep. (Call failed)
Should know what? Should know what?
Beep. Beep. (text message from pregnant friend)
I’m having a boy.
Beep. Beep. (second text from pregnant friend)
I think you need to be on medication. Just a thought. Also? I’m pretty sure AT&T is not out to get you. Hope you don’t have a tumor. Call me when you’re normal again.
Pfft. Yeah. Like THAT’S gonna happen.
But Yay! A boy!
Note to AT&T: I hope you get crabs from all the monkey sex you’re having. And, you look fat in that dress and your shoes are ugly. Have a nice day.
Oh my God you crack me up!
too freaking funny.
Try throwing your phone through their front window like Discover tire’s commercials
Kelly´s last blog ..Suppose my lesson….
Glad to hear I am not alone in the fact that I also think AT&T cross dressing whore.
Bobbi Janay´s last blog ..Thankful Through The Darkness
I just saw someone retweet your post and had to click over. Funny post! But I’m so sorry you had problems with AT&T.
A close family member works for AT&T (as an engineer) and I would encourage you (if you haven’t already) to call customer service and somehow get escalated to a higher person. The key is escalate. I know that AT&T is not know for their CS.
My guy’s sole job is to fix problems like this (because it sounds like it could be an equipment problem) AND to put up towers where there is lack of coverage. That being said, please let them know where your calls are dropping. If it’s an equipment problem, probably an easy fix. If it’s lack of a tower, they should know that too. Also, many times where there are no towers, it’s because townships (or the residents) are blocking them.
I’m sure you are busy and you probably just wanted to rant, but just a suggestion:) Congrats on your baby boy–they are the best!
Jennifer Y.´s last blog ..CVS Shopping Trip
LMFAO!!! You really should have some Verizon Ads on your blog for this! Love Verizon!
Ken´s last blog ..One Ring to Rule Them All
AT&T and Bell all can suck it!!!
If you like to make out with monkey’s come check out my GIVEAWAY TRUTH or DARE…you’ll totally love the monkey’s I promise!!
http://insatiablehost.blogspot.com/2010/03/truth-or-darewanna-play-for-giveaway.html
Also, Im glad you dont’ have cancer.
Danon
http://www.insatiablehost.blogspot.com
http://www.pantypyramid.blogspot.com
Danon Pascoa´s last blog ..Make out with Blogs Monday’s and my 100th post
Ken totally stole my lime light.. I was going to say.. ” Can you hear me now, can you hear me now” Maybe time to switch to Verizon… but then I am Canadian and we dont have that here.. or not where I live anyways!
And I sure hope your driving and talking on your cell ” hands free ” cause you know, I’m older then you and can totally say that.. ha ha
In British Columbia it is illegal to talk on your cell and drive…big fines!
Be well,
a) this was beyond hysterical and i love you and b) ATT sucks major.
I live in NYC and when I leave work and call home to check on my kids I get cut off everytime I go behind a tall building, which hello? is every building.
Sadie at heyMamas
Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..Sometimes kids can really suck
this happens to me all the time when i am on the interstate!! but i love my iphone so i won’t consider switching!! but i am riding down said interstate and i am chatting away then i am like i am about to loose you but i will call you back!! ssdd!! you know at&t is same shit different day!! but i love love love my iphone!! that is the only reason i am so so loyal!!
I love my Iphone too. I wouldn’t give it up for nothing. In fact, I’d give up one of my kids before I traded in the Iphone. But AT&T? SUCKS
yay boys are great when they are tiny and little and you can dress them up in cute little baseball outfits. Then they pee on you and it’s all downhill from there LOL.
Drop at&t and go with Verizon!!!! I love my blackberry!
Oh and I’m glad you don’t have cancer!!!
Turn the 3G off on your phone and it will work a lot better. It sucks because it takes forever to load the internet but for some reason the calls don’t drop nearly as often when it’s not trying to connect to 3G. I hope that helps, that’s what I did to my iPhone to get it to start functioning like a phone and not like an expensive paperweight!
i think all cell phone providers have a secret society where they repeatedly screw monkeys and listen in on their customers calls to see which ones will fuck with people the most. Then, they hit thier big “drop call” button (like Staples with their ‘easy’ button, like we’re buying into *that* shit, Staples!) You hang in there. Stoopid monkey-fuckers. I bet they kick puppies when they think no one is looking too.
It is a pre requisite for phone company operators to be cocksuckers.
bianca´s last blog ..Spring Awakening
Gal, you are one funny lady. I found your website yesterday and stayed up entirely too late reading. I actually laughed myself to sleep which I didn’t even know was possible… Thanks for the belly laughs!
I always thought AT&T liked to have sex with turkeys. Good to know that it’s actually monkeys.
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Hump Day Humor: Handsome Men’s Club
I’m on AT&T as well, but I never ever have any of the problems that so many people talk about. I love my iPhone I will never give it up!! And now that I’ve typed this out loud I’ve totally jinxed myself, I’m sure of it…
AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Twitter Trends…
Not good, not good at all. Not the monkey sex, because we all know that’s pretty much awesome.
Wow, it’s like watching an Al Pacino movie.
Why, I can remember way back when no one even knew what a cell phone was. But I think they are catching on and may be around for a while. That internet thing to is probably here to stay, too. Well it’s time to hook up the mule t the wagon to go to town…
careful now – I think you went a bit far suggesting that AT&T’s shoes are ugly. There is a fine line between poking fun and therapy inducing cruelty!
pixielation´s last blog ..The tooth fairy wields a big stick
If it wasn’t for my deep and ethereal love for my iPhone I would leave AT&T in a HEART BEAT.
I hate those monkey lovers.
Ashley, the Accidental Olympian´s last blog ..A WRAP UP, FOR NO ONE
Amen on the iPhone YAY, AT&T NAY. I use my iPhone for all things unrelated to phone and have actually gone back to picking up a house phone to make real phone calls. I am praying that AT&T loses the exclusive contract for iPhone at some point and you can pick your provider.
On the other hand….I also can just hang up on irritating people mid-sentence and then later say, “Oh sorry….AT&T.” And they totally buy it.