New form of birth control: Look! It’s my placenta!

by Shauna on March 5, 2010

When I was a little girl, I thought babies came out your belly button. I didn’t exactly *know* how this was possible since your belly button is like, well, the size of a belly button. But I didn’t question it. It was just a fact of life and not something you worried about. You just went to the hospital when it was time to give birth, the doctor put you to sleep, and yada, yada, yada, you had a baby. AND, you knew what kind of baby it was by the color of blanket it came wrapped in. Yes, I thought babies came with either a pink or a blue blanket. Out your belly button.

And this was when I was thirteen.

Stop laughing!

You should’ve seen my reaction the day my friend Amy was at my house. We were in my room, sitting criss cross on my bed where she proceeded to tell me the whole sordid story. The REAL story. It terrified me beyond all comprehension. I vowed right then and there that I would A) Never have sex; and B) Never have a baby. Yes, I am aware *now* that you have to do the first thing to get the second thing, but like I said…Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

And really Amy? You just *HAD* to go and ruin it for me, didn’t you. I was *fine* living in my state of absolute and utter denial–thinking that babies came from swallowing watermelon seeds. I wasted SO many summer days making sure all the seeds were removed from my brother’s slice of watermelon–because I felt like he was too immature and irresponsible to care for a baby. And then only to learn the truth. Well, I hope you’re happy.

You told me the truth about sex and about giving birth. And I’ve never fully recovered. Thanks for THAT.

Lucky for me, my kids won’t have to wonder about where babies come from. In fact, they can eat all the watermelon seeds they want without worrying about growing a baby in their stomach. Because now, we have these…

Look! The baby is waving at you!

Why is the placenta bigger than the BABY?

Oh my god, will someone please cut the cord already?

I’m pretty sure that if I showed these dolls to my kids they’d never have sex. That’s why I’ve ordered all of them.

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{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }

Mbonn March 5, 2010 at 9:36 am

Show them a real placenta on top of that just for good measure. Those things are crazy creepy looking.
.-= Mbonn´s last blog ..Safe to Eat Cookie Dough =-.


heather... March 5, 2010 at 9:41 am

oh my god, this freaked me out so much, I’m never going to have kids! Except the two I already have. And possibly one more. But then NONE.

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ’0 which is not a hashcash value.
.-= heather…´s last blog ..And Now A Moment From Annabel =-.


Jen March 5, 2010 at 9:42 am

OK, I am open about a lot of things and all for info, but these totally cross the line!

[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ’0 which is not a hashcash value.


Ken March 5, 2010 at 9:43 am


[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ’0 which is not a hashcash value.
.-= Ken´s last blog ..One Ring to Rule Them All =-.


Bobbi Janay March 5, 2010 at 9:44 am

I have one baby already and these dolls scare me about having another.
.-= Bobbi Janay ´s last blog ..Anger and lots of it =-.


Becky Mochaface March 5, 2010 at 9:47 am

Those dolls are the creeps. Big time.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Grey’s Anatomy S6ep16 =-.


Klady March 5, 2010 at 9:58 am

WHO made these and WHAT are their purpose????? I had three children and nursed all of them; but, sorry, those dolls are disgusting!!!!


Heather Halliday March 5, 2010 at 9:59 am

haha, this is hilarious. I too have already had a baby, and these dolls scare me about having another. They need these at high schools sex ed class. oh wait, maybe middle school these days.


Val March 5, 2010 at 10:00 am

Oh. My. God. That is so wrong!! I’m ordering them all.


The Mayor March 5, 2010 at 10:09 am

Those dolls are a (rather brutal) riot. I wish they had been around many years ago when I used to teach childbirth classes.
The nipples on the first one…jarring.
.-= The Mayor´s last blog ..Show Me What? & Other Random Thoughts =-.


Bellawriter March 5, 2010 at 10:18 am

and the sad thing is someone thought these dolls would be a niche market and made them…and is selling them. Why do I think avitable would *love* that first one?


bbg05 March 5, 2010 at 10:31 am

WOW. Who in the hell came up with these things? I’m going to have nightmares tonight.

On that first one? BUY A RAZOR for God’s sake.


Emma March 5, 2010 at 11:33 am

OMG….I’m completely traumatised!!!! My 7 year old daughter however is wondering what those strange dolls are doing!!!!
.-= Emma´s last blog ..Almost Wordless Wednesday =-.


Miss Grace March 5, 2010 at 11:47 am
Why Mom Drinks Rum March 5, 2010 at 11:56 am

WHY…just monkey fluffing WHY?
I can’t stop looking at the forest of pubic hair…transfixed….


jay March 5, 2010 at 11:59 am

Ok, so, childbirth causes your pubes to threaten to take over the Earth, your own legs to resemble frogs legs and your tits to point east and west?

There are lessons to be learnt from these dolls. *thinks* …yeah I may to buy them.
.-= jay´s last blog ..It’s Because… =-.


Avitable March 5, 2010 at 12:14 pm

I remember seeing something kind of like this before. Where’s the anal sex version?
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..The Jabberwock =-.


Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing] March 5, 2010 at 12:18 pm

I’ve had two babies, and neither one of them came out clean with a felt placenta.

I got gypped.
.-= Angie [A Whole Lot of Nothing]´s last blog ..Lasers! psew~psew~psew UPDATED: Now with more PSEW =-.


bianca March 5, 2010 at 1:15 pm

When I was in high school Biology class, my teacher brought her best friends placenta to show the class. She proceeded to play with it like it was play-d’oh. Needless to say I will not be having kids anytime soon.
.-= bianca´s last blog ..I think… =-.


Krystal March 5, 2010 at 2:24 pm

what the hell!
.-= Krystal´s last blog ..A fluffy lamb day =-.


Darla March 5, 2010 at 2:47 pm
Maile March 5, 2010 at 3:54 pm

I’ve given birth twice and managed to not ever look down and see any of the yuck coming out of me… Was easy as I couldn’t see past my gimungous stomach even if I had wanted too…

Last night I was looking through my husbands photos for some cute ones of my newest babe (6 weeks old) and came across a picture of the umbilical cord. My husband is a photographer, so it was all artistic looking but still EEEEEEWWWWW!!!
.-= Maile´s last blog ..How cute is this??! =-.


Morgan @ The818 March 5, 2010 at 5:45 pm

They used these in our birthing class…but seriously, nothing is as good a deterrent as the real thing. I have a photo if you want to show your kids. :)


kendra March 5, 2010 at 7:11 pm


Christen March 5, 2010 at 8:35 pm

UGH… Really? I mean, seriously? GROSS


Keyona March 6, 2010 at 5:57 am

I’m a little afraid of those……
.-= Keyona´s last blog ..For The Last Time =-.


AZ Colleen March 6, 2010 at 6:32 am

WTF?!? Thanks for hitting the snooze button on my biological clock.


Kat Wilder March 6, 2010 at 7:36 am

I always thought reality was scarier than fiction. This proves it.

Forget about abstinence sex ed — just hand these out when girls get their periods.

All kidding aside, isn’t it better for the mystery of what it looks like to be revealed? Information is knowledge (although TMI is quite another thing)
.-= Kat Wilder´s last blog ..The end of the world as we know it =-.


The gold digger March 6, 2010 at 10:31 am

I went to CATHOLIC SCHOOL in TEXAS and we had sex ed in sixth grade.

But if I had seen these dolls, I would have stayed a virgin until my wedding night (at the age of 43) and maybe even past then. Ick.
.-= The gold digger´s last blog ..In which Sly and Doris buy us a wedding present =-.


statia March 6, 2010 at 1:00 pm

That is so creepy, I can’t even begin to comprehend it.


MinivanMama March 6, 2010 at 7:30 pm

Stocking stuffers! I love getting my Christmas shopping done early.


Shannon March 7, 2010 at 7:49 am

Gross! Just gross. And I’m with Angie – my two were neither clean nor felted.

Well, if you know someone who even wants to have a baby after seeing that… you can always get them one of these:
Just a thought.


Jane March 7, 2010 at 9:26 am

These dolls are both shocking and funny all at the same time. I just might order some for my kids – scare the ba-jeezus out of them!
.-= Jane´s last blog ..There’s A Fresh Coat Of Paint At Jane’s Today =-.


Carrie Meadows March 7, 2010 at 1:26 pm

Where’s the c-section doll?
.-= Carrie Meadows´s last blog ..Maple Glazed Carrots =-.


MJ March 8, 2010 at 7:31 am

I think they should use these to help teach sex ed to middle schoolers and high schoolers everywhere: I know Texas is an “abstinance only” state (haha—look how well THAT is working for them), but seriously, it could only help if the kids had to look at the “and here is what happens if you break the “abstinance only” code…..


Steph March 8, 2010 at 3:49 pm

Wow, my uterus cringed at the thought…
.-= Steph´s last blog ..A FML quickie… =-.


Melissa March 8, 2010 at 6:25 pm

Amazing! I have to get these dolls – too fucking funny!!


toywithme March 9, 2010 at 9:28 am

Do not use #1 around children, they might poke their eye out with her tatas!
.-= toywithme´s last blog ..By: dr. yogurtry =-.


Jayme March 10, 2010 at 8:30 am

Wow! I need to get these for my kids! I also want to know where the c-section doll is, so I can show my daughter when she pisses me off… This is what you did to me!!!!
.-= Jayme´s last blog ..This is Why I am Awesome! =-.


AmazingGreis March 10, 2010 at 12:12 pm

Thanks, now I may never have sex again, or children. Damn!!!
.-= AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday – Twitter Trends… =-.


Mary @ Holy Mackerel March 10, 2010 at 12:46 pm

Holy crap!! Where do I get these?? My daughter just turned 15 and … well, I don’t think I need to explain anything further.
.-= Mary @ Holy Mackerel´s last blog ..Scoop on the Poop =-.


kelly March 10, 2010 at 6:11 pm

The first one looks possessed, should have opted for the epidural.


Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels March 15, 2010 at 6:16 am

Holy crap, those are terrifying.
.-= Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels´s last blog ..Preparing for summer… though baby, it’s cold outside =-.


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