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Why Rosetta Stone should hire me

You know how in a lot of restaurant bathrooms there’ll be music playing?

Well, recently I was in one where instead of playing music, a man was translating *common* English phrases into French.

The first thing I heard him say was, “I would like to get to know you better; you seem to have nice bones.”

When I heard that I was all… HUH?

And then the very next sentence was, “I like your robe; I bet it would look great on the floor.”

At this point I’m like where the hell am I?

And then I remembered. I was in Las Vegas.

It made perfect sense.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could SO write for Rosetta Stone. I mean, who better than *me* to come up with *common* English phrases to be used in translation CDs.

Here are some that I came up with.

Ahem.

Your face is so pretty that I would love to staple things to it.

Please come to my house at seven so that I might feed you to my piranha.

Is that a bicycle in your pocket or are you just retarded?

I love playing the violin while stabbing you in the thigh.

I can tell by the size of your banana that you like to party.

Won’t you join me for macaroons and clown porn?

I would love for you and your sister to sit on my face.

Show me your boobs and I will make you a bologna sandwich.

I killed a man on the way to work today. Would you like to go to lunch?

I would like to remove your spleen and knit you a sweater with it.

How many pancakes does it take to roof a dollhouse?

Dude. I could do this ALL DAY LONG.

Anyway, Rosetta Stone, if you’re reading this, I’m available for hire. I’m cheap. And I’m easy. Just ask anyone who went to college with me.

(I’m totally kidding, Dad. I’m not *that* cheap)

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