You know how in a lot of restaurant bathrooms there’ll be music playing?
Well, recently I was in one where instead of playing music, a man was translating *common* English phrases into French.
The first thing I heard him say was, “I would like to get to know you better; you seem to have nice bones.”
When I heard that I was all… HUH?
And then the very next sentence was, “I like your robe; I bet it would look great on the floor.”
At this point I’m like where the hell am I?
And then I remembered. I was in Las Vegas.
It made perfect sense.
The more I thought about it, the more I realized I could SO write for Rosetta Stone. I mean, who better than *me* to come up with *common* English phrases to be used in translation CDs.
Here are some that I came up with.
Ahem.
Your face is so pretty that I would love to staple things to it.
Please come to my house at seven so that I might feed you to my piranha.
Is that a bicycle in your pocket or are you just retarded?
I love playing the violin while stabbing you in the thigh.
I can tell by the size of your banana that you like to party.
Won’t you join me for macaroons and clown porn?
I would love for you and your sister to sit on my face.
Show me your boobs and I will make you a bologna sandwich.
I killed a man on the way to work today. Would you like to go to lunch?
I would like to remove your spleen and knit you a sweater with it.
How many pancakes does it take to roof a dollhouse?
Dude. I could do this ALL DAY LONG.
Anyway, Rosetta Stone, if you’re reading this, I’m available for hire. I’m cheap. And I’m easy. Just ask anyone who went to college with me.
(I’m totally kidding, Dad. I’m not *that* cheap)
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Jeez, where were you when I was trying to ask that retarded German guy what he had in his pocket?
.-= Avitable´s last blog ..Three days left =-.
I’m always trying to find someone who can translate necessary phrases like “My penis is a flamethrower” when I travel overseas….or to china town. Tell me you sent them your resume!!
Spleen sweater!!! Holy mother of crapweasles that was funny!
ack, you had me till “retarded”. Please pick another word!
.-= Molly´s last blog ..The R word. =-.
I can tell by the size of your banana that you like to party.
…ahahah YES
Macaroons and clown porn?!? Funny in any language…but I bet it’d somehow sound sexy in Italian. *Everything* sounds sexy in Italian…even clown porn.
.-= Kylie´s last blog ..Double standard, much? =-.
I am now convinced that we must get married.
.-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Talk Dirty To Me =-.
Bwahahahahaha…nice
How about
My name is Dick Cheney..are you happy to see me or is that your weapon of mass destruction?
.-= Ken´s last blog ..Joey.. not just the name of a Kangaroo =-.
Please take the coconut out of the bag. I want to lick your toes.
.-= Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Tea Partay =-.
I love this post and all of your non-sensical waiting to be translated sentences, too funny!
Sadie at heyMamas
.-= Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..Waaahhhhh =-.
this is hilarious..there are tooo many that you could have come up with…
Do you have alighter, my vag is on fire?
Oh, your in my country now, where it is polite to fart and blame in on someone else!
lol…anyhow, I just wrote my post for tonight and immediately worried…if the ShaunaGlenn read this, would she make fun or laugh??? It’s my first post where I used the words vag and me in the same post!!! indulge me..
danon
http://www.insatiablehost.blogspot.com
.-= Danon Pascoa´s last blog ..Dear Ann Landers, eat your heart out! =-.
What a totally fun job that would be! Hmm… I wonder how you say it happens to all the guys in french.
.-= Loretta´s last blog ..Introducing Transcription Crash Course for Starting a General Transcription Business from Home =-.
Dammit Shauna, it’s 3:47 am, I woke up to feed my baby and am sitting here in the dark trying not to wake everyone up with my guffawing. I <3 you.
I don’t believe this story……..because you don’t go to the bathroom in public places.
AH! Paris Las Vegas got you, too!? that’s definitely the most random bathroom ever – especially if you’re not fully prepared!
maybe you should test your new business plan in the bathroom? just start spouting lines and see if people follow along.
Holy mother of crapweasles that was funny!