What kind of name is Roy anyway?

Here is a recent email exchange between me and Roy, the Customer Service Expert from the spa near my house.

*****

January 18, 2010

Dear Ms. Glenn,

Hope the new year is treating you well. I’m writing to let you know our records indecate you haven’t been in since September. Why has it been so long? Exfoliation is your friend!

We would love to offer you a 20% discount on all of our spa services. I’m sure you could use a facial, am I right?

Please feel free to call and make an appointment at your earliest convenience.

Use the coupon code: DRYSKIN

Very truly yours,
Roy (insert douchebag last name here)
Customer Service Expert
Blah, Blah, Blah Day Spa

PS. We’re also running a special on laser hair removal. You should really take advantage of that service!

*****

January 18, 2010

Dear Roy,

Hi. Thanks for the email, the 20% discount, and the laser hair removal tip. I found the coupon code to be a little offensive. And also a lot creepy. I mean, how did you know my skin is dry? And just so we’re clear, I’M NOT THAT HAIRY!

Roy, I don’t mean to sound like the spelling police, but INDECATE is spelled INDICATE. Not everyone is a good speller–I just happen to be an awesome S-P-E-L-L-E-R. If only there was some program you could use to check your spelling before you sent an email. Hmm.

Anyway, I don’t think I’m going to “take advantage” of your special deals, but thanks.

Best,

Shauna Glenn

PS. Please remove my name from your email list.

*****

January 19, 2010

Dear Ms. Glenn,

Thanks for your reply, although the overall tone was laden with sarcasm. (I used Spell Check for those big words)

I’m sorry if I offended you, that wasn’t my intention. I just wanted you to be aware of our great spa deals. I hope you will change your mind about getting that facial. Or perhaps even an acid peel. You’ll love the way your skin looks after the top two layers melt away. Most women look 20 years younger!

Have a nice day.

Roy

*****

January 19, 2010

Um, Roy.

Who the hell do you think you are? And why the shot at my face? I’m cute! And young (ish), you freak! I don’t *need* an acid peel, thankyouverymuch.

And what kind of name is Roy anyway?

Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy, Roy. When I say that over and over again it sounds less like a name and more like a pus filled goiter.

TAKE MY NAME OFF YOUR EMAIL LIST!

*****

January 20, 2010

Dear Ms. Glenn,

I think we got off on the wrong foot. I sell SPA SERVICES. It’s my job. It’s nothing personal. You could be Miss Universe for all I know. I work on COMMISSION.

Forget I said anything about an acid peel. I’m sure your skin is naturally radiant and ageless.

Use the coupon, don’t use the coupon. I hardly care anymore.

Roy

*****

January 20, 2010

Dear Roy,

I’m sorry for saying your name sounds like a pus filled goiter. I blame my upcoming birthday. The big 4-oh. Yikes. I guess you could say I’m a little sensitive about the aging process.

I would be happy to make an appointment to get that facial. The winter is *brutal* on my skin.

Thanks again for the 20% off coupon.

Best,

Shauna Glenn

*****

January 21, 2010

Dear Ms. Glenn,

I’m so sorry, but the coupon expired yesterday.

Also, I removed your name from the email list so you won’t be getting anymore solicitations from Blah, Blah, Blah Spa.

Have a great day,
Roy
Customer Service Expert