Rodeos ain’t for pussies. Or really cute blonde women who are already on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

One of the highlights of living in Cowtown (Fort Worth, Texas) is the annual Fat Stock Show and Rodeo. It happens this time every year. That’s why it has “annual” in its name.

It’s a big deal around here. You even get a day off from school. It’s called Rodeo Day. But since most grown ups don’t get off work for “Rodeo Day” it’s just another day kids are out of school, leaving parents with this question, “What the hell am I supposed to *do* with you today? I have to work!”

At least that’s how it was at my house growing up. Rodeo Day for me and my brothers was a day spent at my grandmother’s house watching her “stories” with her. I remember the lineup. Ryan’s Hope. All My Children. One Life to Live. And General Hospital.

Rodeo Day sucked.

Now that I’m grown and have kids of my own, I always try to take the kids to the rodeo every year because I am still fucked up from childhood think they will enjoy it.

So last week I suggested we go and the family was all “Yay Mom, you’re the best!” Or that could have been the voices in my head.

What I think I actually heard was “I DON’T HAVE ANYTHING TO WEAR.” And I was like, “Calm down Ethan, you sound like a girl!”

Beat down and already wishing I hadn’t brought up the idea of going to the rodeo as a family, we trudged to the cowboy store to get cowboy things to wear to the cowboy event.

And this is what Harley came up with.

She looks exactly like the girl from Toy Story. If only I knew her name.

So we get to the Rodeo and what’s the first thing we see? A huge table filled with overpriced toys. Naturally Ethan makes a beeline there where I proceed to spend twenty dollars on crap that lights up and then breaks ten minutes later. Thanks a lot, China.

But what was worse than that was Ethan’s indecision on the toy selection. He wanted the light saber. No. Scratch that. The pop gun. No. Wait. Here’s a shiny pair of handcuffs. He’ll take those. No. Forget that. The light saber turns 3 different colors. Oh, but Harley picked out a light up butterfly necklace. He’ll have one too.

Do you think they sell *real* guns at a Texas rodeo? You know, so I CAN BLOW MY BRAINS OUT!!!

Once we got to our seats and the rodeo began, Ethan and Harley were fascinated with the pageantry of the horses running around the arena and the pretty girls carrying the American (and Texas) flags.

Then… the dude selling sweets came by and stole my happiness. Fucker.

I would like to blame someone for the fact that he's holding a snow cone AND a candy apple, but I'm afraid the person to blame is typing this right now

Finally, after eating his weight in junk food, Ethan started watching the show. He liked the calf roping and the bucking broncos, but he was holding out for the bull riding.

“When are the bulls coming?”

“In a minute. Look over there! That horse is pooping!”

“You said pooping.”

“I know. Poop is funny.”

Laughs and points at me. “You’re funny, Mommy. When are the bulls coming?”

“After this girl finishes making out with her horse.” (Seriously? It was a little weird. This woman was doing tricks with her horse and every time he did what she asked him to, she practically stuck her face in his mouth.)

“Will there be a lot of blood?”

???

“What are you talking about E?”

“When the cowboy kills the bull? Will we see blood?”

“THE COWBOY ISN’T GOING TO KILL THE BULL.”

Starts to cry. “But I want to see that.”

“Who are you?”

“I’m E-fun Thomas Gwenn.”

“Yes, I know who you’re *supposed* to be, but *my* son doesn’t want to see bulls being killed.”

Looks confused. “Who’s your son?”

“I don’t know. Eat your snow cone.”

Makes a face.

“Oh look! It’s time for the bull riding! Your favorite part!”

“I wanna go home.”

Sigh. I miss watching soap operas with my grandmother.