Here is a conversation I had with my dad yesterday while driving to Houston (for the Mom 2.0 Summit):
“Hello, Father.”
“Hello, Daughter. (Laughs) I wanted to call and tell you about a Shauna moment I just had.”
“K.”
“I was getting a massage awhile ago and all of the sudden I needed to fart.”
“OH MY GOD! THAT’S MY BIGGEST FEAR!!”
“Yeah, I know. That’s why I called it a *Shauna* moment.”
“So what did you do?”
“I clenched my butt cheeks really tight and held it.”
“That must have been awful.”
“It wasn’t that bad. It made me laugh though because I thought about how you’d be dying.”
“Oh my God, if I farted while I was getting a massage I would seriously kill myself.”
Laughs.
“So you were able to keep it from coming out?”
“Until I left the room. Then I letterrip.”
“That’s totally disgusting.”
“You love me.”
This is true.
Would love to hear YOUR embarrassing public fart stories. The winner (as decided by The Dad) will receive a $50 Target gift card and a year supply of Beano.
Contest ends Sunday at midnight. The winner will be announced Monday.
May the farts be with you.
One time, during sexy time with my husband (then boyfriend of roughly 6 months) I let out a humongous fart in the most awkward of positions.
And the proceeded to get the “laughing farts” for a good 3 minutes.
It was one of the most mortifying times of my life. But hey, the guy married me so I must’ve been doing something right!
http://poopandboogies.blogspot.com/2006/08/school-bells.html
This is my story. My wife would appreciate it if I won the beano.
During our pre-possession inspection of our new home, I left my husband and the builder in one room and went to another to release a particularly toxic gastric emission. My luck! As I began to walk away, holding back gags, my husband walks through the cloud. I saw my husband’s face turn sour, then he shot me a “how dare you” look. Then the builder walked through, his face turned sour, then he shot MY HUSBAND a “how dare you” look! I ventrilo-farted, and my husband was the dummy!
Jen O.´s last blog ..Fat guy in a little shirt. Also, butt surgery via thong.
TY for the contest this is so easy for me. Two years ago I decided it was time to become baptized. My friend, family and church members all circled me in waist high water. After the minister said a few words and started leaning me back in the water. Not sure if it was nerves or dinner from the night before but all of a sudden I felt my belly rumble and a fart escaped. Of course there was the tell tale bubbles boiling up out of the water that give me away. My face turned 10 shades of red. THe minister just looked at the snickering gathering and said something to the effect of perhaps it was the devil leaving my body.
I unfortunatley am cute and gassy. So much so that now when it happens on the treadmill at the gym I am just happy I have my headphones in so I don’t have to hear it, that way I can pretend it did not happen.
While I have many stories the one that always bothered me the most was when my husband and I first started dating he used to bring me lunch at work on Saturdays. We were out back smoking and I went to squat down and out it came – very LOUD. Than I started to nervously laugh and it just kept going. I was mortified!! I wanted the earth to open up and swallow me!
Adie´s last blog ..It’s Lizard Season – Oh Joy
I used to live in Washington, DC when I was in the military. I was just learning to play golf and was spending a lot of time at the driving range. One night I was at the East Potomac Golf Course on the driving range standing between two incredibly HOT women. I was single and always looking to hook up.
That was until I tried to hit a 9-iron as hard as I could and right at impact I accidentally ripped an incredibly loud fart. I never fessed up and actually look up as if to say, “who did that?”
Left Of Sean’s ridiculosity!
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My boyfriend and I were spendng a romantic weekend in the city, full of rich food and wine. During the day on Saturday, we shopping on a trendy street in the lingerie store. I felt the need…and it was one of those REALLY hot ones. It was so awful, the smell was hovering. I immediately made a face and looked at a woman across the way, making a motion to the boyfriend to indicate it was her. Oh, did we laugh…
A few months later, it came up during conversation. “This woman was ROTTEN”, he says to his dad. It was then I put my hand up and copped to it. He didn’t stop laughing for an hour. His dad was pretty proud of me too.
FYI, the baptism story is a winner for me…
Ok, so I can’t take credit for this story, but on behalf of my mother, I had to share her story. She was in line at the post office. Bear in mind she is about 5ft 2 and as cute as can be. Any by cute I mean smokin hot. She could totally be a cougar if she wasn’t married! As she is standing in this line she let’s out a silent-but-oh-my-god-there-is-a-dead-animal-living-inside-your-anal-canal-deadly little fart. Well, she thinks she is home free due to the line of innocent victims. They all start gagging, lookin around. My mom, the evil clever little thing that she is, picks up her foot and looks at the bottom of her shoe. Absolute BRILLIANCE. The rest of the line proceeds to do the same. She finished her business at the post office, walked out and was cleared of any charges.
LMAO!-OMG! I need to get Scott to respond to this one!!!
BTW-How R u Shauna?? xo
This happened to me a few weeks ago.
My husband to be and I were driving around the neighbourhoods we wanted to buy a house in, looking for prospective houses and making sure the neighbours weren’t the type to have 18 cars in their yards.
We had eaten taco bell eariler for lunch which always makes me gassy and I was farting up a storm and laughing my ass off. Hubby to be rolls down the windows, its that bad (middle of January in CANADA).
And then he starts too. I swear I thought we were both going to pass out.
All of a sudden i let a huge one rip that smelled worse than the rest. I looked at him with a really weird look and he asked what was wrong. I told him we had to go home right away but did not explain why.
All the way home he asked what was wrong. Finally at a red light I lost it and screamed at the top of my lungs that I sharted my pants and he needed to shut the f up. Well, the windows were still down and about 12 highschool students were crossing the street right in front of the car. The all started laughing at me too.
OMG! I’m crying I’m laughing so hard!
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My husband & I took a pregnancy/baby class at the local hospital, when I was pregnant with our first.
A long comes the evening where we all sit on a pillow, or blanket in a circle & the instructor turns the music on. We all close our eyes & listen to the waves & “imagine floating in the sea, drifting out, to meet our new baby”(because obviously agonizing labor is a lot like floating in the ocean) as we take deep cleansing breathes.
I am of course, peeking, because I don’t close my eyes in a room full of strangers, ok?
I peek at my watch, 5 minutes left, and I look at my DH, who, looks pretty relaxed. I close my eyes & listen to the instructor when I hear it..”buuurrrrssspppppttttt”
A fart so clear & familiar, it can only be my one true love.
I squeezed my eyes tighter & bit my lip before I open my eyes & my husband is smiling,his eyes open, chuckling to himself.
I have no idea what everyone else was doing because I was trying so hard not to piss on this instructors pillows with my stifled laughter but I heard a gasp & a giggle somewhere.
The time goes off seconds later, the instructor stands to dismiss the class & I get up, to quickly exit, only to hear my husband say “Wow..you arent kidding, that really does relax you!!” I look at him, he shrugs & says “I was relaxed, it slipped”
That, is my fart story.It was 4 years ago & I can remember it like it just happened, I will never NOT crack up at the memory.
claire´s last blog ..wordless wednesday..
I have so many fart stories it isnt even funny, so I’m just going to keep entering them, because how often do I get to share fart stories?
Not as much as I’d like..
Then there is the time we went to the mall, after our favorite mexican restaraunt.
You know, because as a married couple with toddlers, mexican & walmart or mall walking, is a hot date.
On the way into the mall, my husband all the sudden snaps “LETS GO!!!!” He was pissed, I had no idea why, we’d just had a nice date!! He turns to go back to the car, then quickly takes my hand & walks in the mall front doors asking “where the F is the bathroom?? JUST TELL ME WHERE IT IS!!” ( my hometown, he isnt familiar still)
So, I stand like a moron, outside the mens bathroom
(fun crowd to watch, I tell ya) for I kid you not. 20 minutes.
Finally my husband comes out, looking grim & tells me “Thank you for getting me that pocket knife, when Andy was born..”
Okay..
“I shit my pants & had to cut myself out of my f-ing shitty underwear. It was that, or stand on the bathroom floor with no shoes. So, Thanks.
Let’s go”
I love him =) Shit pants & all!!!
claire´s last blog ..wordless wednesday..
I was a junior in high school. There was a guy in my class that called me Marty (that’s not my name, but he never said my name right). The whole class was sitting in metal folding chairs in a circle to work on an assignment. We all started goofing off & laughing. I was laughing so hard that I totally farted, on the metal chair, in front of the entire class. The sound vibrated off of the metal making it sound a LOT louder than it would have been. I was humiliated. Everyone else laughed harder. And the guy that called me Marty? Yeah, he was laughing and said, “Ha, ha, Farty”. From then till the end of the school year he called me Farty Marty.
About two years ago my back went out. Badly. So I broke down and went to see a chiropractor, who happened to be a good friend of my husband’s boss.
My husband’s boss.
And, he was hot. The kind of hot that made it hard not to stare while he spoke to me. The kind of hot that made me wish I’d worn Spanx so when he adjusted me he wouldn’t feel my bra fat.
So yeah. He’s in the middle of adjusting my middle back, and as soon as he pressed down, the loudest fart in history fell out of my ass. It sounded like it was wrapped in a wet towel, and lasted approximately ten seconds.
Of course, since I’m 12, I started giggling even though I was mortified beyond anything ever in my life. He was all nice about it too, told me it happens all the time.
Hot doc, can I please stink up your office? Yeah. On top of the sound it was wretched.
Apparently I became his favorite patient fart story, because about two months later, at a dinner, my husband was sitting with his boss and his boss’ good friend, the chiropractor, when the chiropractor pulled out the story. About me.
My poor husband was mortified as the entire table of attorneys and professionals laughed about his wife’s stinky ass.
I am awesome.
Jess´s last blog ..blurbs and stuff
I can’t breathe…laughing too hard…kids calling paramedics…O…..M…….G…..!
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Okay, so a few years ago, my husband, our good friends that are a couple, and I were doing a little shopping. We stopped at a very exclusive men’s shoe shop because my husband needed a new pair of work shoes and he buys the fancy ones, since one pair lasts him forever and he’s a guy and he doesn’t understand the heroin-like euphoria of shopping for shoes, shoes and more shoes. (I don’t know heroin’s euphoric feeling, personally. I’ve only read about it. Just a little FYI, there.)
So, the shoe saleswoman was trying shoes on my husband and the couple and I were standing over him, giving our opinions when suddenly the most vile, “dead, rotting varmints are living up your ass” smell wafted through the air.
I knew immediately it was my husband. His farts are the only farts I’ve ever seen clear a packed dance floor as people gagged and retched and stumbled off the floor as if they’d been exposed to anthrax. I am not kidding you.
My gag reflex kicked in as it usually did. I tried not to throw up in my mouth as I looked over at the couple, eyes wide. She muttered, “Dear God” and staggered away. He pulled his shirt over his mouth. I looked down at my husband, seated there with his little-boy, “Yup, that was my fart) smile on his face and then I realized with abject horror that the shoe saleswoman was kneeling in front of him, trying the shoes on his feet, caught in the line of fire!
She was as pale as could be and she gasped, barely able to speak,”How do those fit, sir?”
I joined my friends in the next shoe aisle over where we sucked in clean air and tried to cover up our hysterical laughter.
We still can’t get through that story today without falling apart in laughter. I hope that woman didn’t have to get a lung transplant or anything.
joann mannix´s last blog ..A Fox Is A Fox Is A Fox
I swear to God, I am in desperate need of an oxygen mask from laffing…. my sides ache and my cheeks hurt now and I think my tear ducts are now empty due to tear loss! AAAHHAHAHAHAH
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i cant type fpr the tesrs in my eytes from laffing so hard. Thanks bro for starting this!
nu
Last year I joined this fitness class that met every morning at 4:30 for an hour and it was really tough! I have never been one to eat breakfast let alone put something in my mouth at 4:30 in the morning – but my class mates were nagging me about that. Telling me that I’d have so much more energy if I just ate a protein bar and some juice or something. I finally decided to give it a try. On my way to the gym every morning I’d barely get down that protein bar and some OJ. At the end of every workout we’d all get in a circle and do massive crunches. On this particular day it was so quiet and wouldn’t you know it that damn protein bar got to me. Doing a dead horse crunch with my legs straight up in the air and my ass wide open that fart came jumping out with it’s own legs! Seriously, the ENTIRE class dropped their legs and sat up…I was the only one still down as if it never happened. My face was red yes, but I pretended like I didn’t hear it until the jackass instructor stopped the music and said: “OMG! Who just farted? I finally dropped my legs and sat up and said: “Look, I told you I don’t eat breakfast for a reason and it’s all of your fault – so I’m not responsible for what comes out of my ass!”
my vote is for the ventrilo-fart. I read that at work and laughed so hard I was crying.
My favorite fart story involves my dad. He was the king of the walk away fart. We would be walking through the grocery store, he would let one rip (silently) and walk out of the aisle. Meanwhile you’re the one left there in the rank stank looking like you did it. It was one of his favorite things to do when you went shopping with him. He also had a thing for singing at the top of his lungs during these shopping trips. I miss him, but not those farts. LOL
Mary Jo´s last blog ..GTT – Olympian
Apparently I “letemrip” when Im passed out cold. My BF and I have been together for 6 months, and it was this past NYE, in front of ALLLL my friends, he decided to share a farting story of his own…about how his gf keeps his crotch warm when he spoons her – by farting into it all night. That was the first time I had heard of it. God bless beer for giving him no filters. I still don’t believe its true
my BFF tells the story of how I farted in her face as they wheeled me into the recovery area after my colonoscopy. I told her you are SUPPOSED to fart then.
These stories are so funny I don’t know how you are going to choose!
AmyLK´s last blog ..Dear Asperger’s Syndrome
You are going to get more than you bargained for with this story. I had an appointment with a new gynecologist because I had a hysterectomy and was having some bladder issues, (my bladder dropping) anyway so I went to this new one because my home gyne had broken his leg and was out of commission. So the nurse asks me if I would like to use the restroom before he examined me, well of course I do because I have some flatulance issues and I figured I could get them all out before the exam. Well he walked in and he was young and hot! I am only 37 and he was like 18 I swear. Well he puts my feet in the ole stirrups and proceeds to exam me, then he did the unthinkable. He gave me a big mirror to hold while he showed me my vagina and what was wrong. Well needless to say there was this big ole peace of toilet paper stuck to my clitorus, I was mortified but he didn’t say a word and worked around it. He then took out what looked like a shoe horn (mind you I am still looking in the mirror) and inserted it and unfortunately it caused me to fart one of those ones that makes that little balloon letting out the air sounds. I was mortified but he took it in stride like it happens all the time. So needless to say I have never been back and everytime I go to the gyne now I use wet wipes so nothing sticks!
OMG! Firesky, I say you win! I was laughing out loud at, I’m sorry, what must have been your mortification. And God Bless You, for airing your story out on the Internet! Just wow. And WTF on the mirror!!! I’d be all, “Yeah, noooo thank you!”
joann mannix´s last blog ..A Fox Is A Fox Is A Fox
Mine happened….in yoga class. We were doing a variety of postures but when we hit “downward facing dog” one slipped out. I prayed no one heard it but then, I smelled it. And it wasn’t pretty. I could feel someone boring holes into me and when I turned to my right, there she was – a fellow yogi, glaring at me. As if I did it on purpose. Just to offend her. I just smiled and said, “Sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.”
Jane´s last blog ..To Are Or Not To Are – THAT Is The Question
A few weeks ago, I was at work. Minding my own business, I let one rip at my desk (with my coworkers no more than 10 feet away) and I immediately realize that something isn’t right. REALLY not right! I had never in my life sharted, until this fateful morning.
I make a bee line for the bathroom, but my coworker had just slipped in before me (we only have a onsie). So I’m standing close to the door, making it look like I’m keeping myself busy, but in all honesty, I didn’t want my underwear to even be touching skin, let alone to go back and sit in it! My turn for the bathroom. I pull down my pants and undies and the noxious fumes wafting from my crotch about made me fall off the seat. Then there was the quantity…this was no shart, this was a FULL ON ass explosion in my pants!
So, I’m sitting in the bathroom, wondering what I should do…do I clean up as much as possible, slide the nasty undies back on and run home? Do I take them off and hope to God I can make it home before the next explosion? I opted for removing the undies…rolled them into a ball and pocketed them in my jacket and ran home to change…bringing an extra pair of my finest granny panties, just in case.
Oh Lord, I have been laughing and giggling like a 12 year old reading the comments. I have 2 to share: A friend was standing in the kitchen one day, making a dish of ice cream, putter-farting, you know? The little poot poot poot farts that go on and on. Well it got quiet, and then all of a sudden he lets this gigantic ass-splitting fart that seems to vibrate the floor. I looked up at him, and he was staring at me with wide eyes, and I said, “Are you okay?” He said, “I’m totally afraid to move.” Seriously, the windows rattled.
My PERSONAL experience was in a REALLY quiet waiting room. I kept holding it and kept holding it, but then I started imagining how tightly squeezed my ass was, like I could crack a walnut, you know? Which made me do one of those all-of-a-sudden bark laughs? And when I barked out a big “HA!” I also ripped a coma-inducing stink bomb the likes of which I’ve never smelled. It was loud, it was noxious, and I’m pretty sure it went up about 4 octives before it finally did one of those wheezing endings. I kept on reading Highlights magazine, looking for that toaster in the tree……..
I personally do not have any fart stories… because I do not fart. Nor do I poop or burp. Yeah, my husband didn’t believe that either when I was trying to convince him to marry me. The truth is I don’t have any publish worthy stories about farting. I did read an account, however, that had me laughing out loud and thought I would share it with you since obviously, our taste in humor runs along the same vein. Enjoy.
http://seanlinnane.blogspot.com/2010/02/home-depot-and-home-made-chili.html
Citymouse´s last blog ..do the na’vi bend air ?
I’m 5 months pregnant.
The other night I went to eat with my husband and our 2 year old daughter.
I excused myself to the bathroom which was on the other side of the resturant. About halfway there I suddenly had to cough. I coughed, belched, farted AND pissed my pants all that the same time in the middle of a Chili’s.
Virginia´s last blog ..Oh it’s winter alright
Funny you should ask…..On Valentine’s nite my husband and I decided to spice things up a bit because with V-day being on Sunday there was not much to do….so we decided to “69″..have not done this in awhile….so we were going after for about 5 min…and the only reason it was lasting this long…sorry husband… was because I really was not doing my part becauseI had an urge to pass gas!!! So, after a few minutes I just had to…I tried to warn my husband but it was to late….Right in his pretty little face!!! Needless to say that will not be happening in our bedroom for awhile…hee hee….Happy Valentine’s Day Hubby!!!
Okay, seriously. Reading these stories is actually making me fart! I’m not kidding. I’m sitting at my desk during my lunch hour right now and have to keep spraying air freshener to hide the smell. (Although I must tell you that the MEGA size sharpie works very well to kill the smell instantly. Just remove the top, wave around….. whalla!) Anyway, so here’s my brief, but memorable story. I’m driving to work, all dressed up and looking professional when I feel that all too familiar rumble in my stomach and know that one of two things is going to happen; i’m either going to rip the most nasty, rancid fart or i’m going to crap my pants. Fortunately, i do the former, and am quickly relieved. It’s a warm, stick-to-the-walls fart, that I must admit, I quite enjoyed smelling in my car on my way to work. Come on, we all know that we love the smell of our own farts, admit it. And yes, I do ruffle the sheets after cutting one. Anyway, I arrive at work. Come lunch time, me and a co-worker are about to get into my car. I open the door and BAM! we are just about knocked on our butts. The after burner of my morning blast shoots out of the car doors. It was a hot summer day….. need I say more? It was immediately apparent to my friend what had taken place….. Next time I’ll need to remember to keep a window cracked……;)
Holy Cow! I am lucky that I am the only one left in the office because I am laughing my ass off! Virginia’s is the best because I almost peed myself laughing so hard!
Mine isn’t too bad. The hubs and I were on our way home from a small get together which had tons of cheese and creamy spreads….and oh yeah I am lactose intolerant. So I had my fill of assplosion foods and we headed home. We were about 10 minutes from home and all of the sudden I felt a rumbly in my tummy. I asked the hubs if he could step on it and he said just relax. The stankiest farts started rolling out and I kept yelling at him to hurry up. I rolled the window down…and then it happened. What I thought was a fart was a very juicy shart. The hubs had no idea what was going on. I quietly adjusted myself and sat on my hands telling the hubs that I was trying to prevent myself from any more farting. So I managed to get home and ran inside with my purse hiding my ass and told him it was getting cold so I wanted to change into pants (it was summer). I still haven’t told him what really happened!
Damn, I wish I had a good story. But I don’t. I was at swim practice and we were doing crunches as part of our dryland workout. I must have been doing some serious crunching because I squeezed all the air out of my abdomen and it came out of my ass. I got teased relentlessly by my teammates.
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..Grey’s Anatomy S6ep15
Well, I definitely have MANY fart stories to which I’m sure Monika can verify. Having the worst of the worst documented here—> http://nikkimohamed.blogspot.com/2009/03/how-do-you-spell-relief.html
My family hopes I win. They’d love me to have a year’s supply of Bean-O!
Love you, Shauna!!
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Okay, so I see Claire has a couple of entries and I didn’t see any stipulations so, I’m entering again, too.
So, it’s not so much a fart story as a shart story.
Last week, my youngest son (9years) came to me humiliated and crying. He said, “Mom, I thought I just farted but I think some poop came out.” So I did what any mother who thinks she’s washed one too many pair of underwear would do! I told him, “Get some clean ones and WASH THE DIRTY ONES OUT IN THE SINK! Wash out the sink. Wash your hands. Put the dirty ones in the laundry room.” He did. Then he came to me and announced that he has diarrhea. I gave him the appropriate dose of medicine. Then he announces he wants something sweet to eat and opens up the cupboard in the kitchen. He pulls out a box and asks me, “Mommy, can I have some more prunes? You always say to eat fruit if we want something sweet. I LOVE prunes.”
I, being the medical genius that I am, figured out the reason for the earlier sharting and asked: “Honey, how many of those did you have today?” And he replied, “Twenty.”
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I laughed out loud reading this!
Sorry about the awkward conversation tonight…I was just really tired.
Nice to have met you!
About 10 years ago I started taking Xenical (a weight loss pill whose Prescribing Information warns you about oily stool….fun!) I was laying in a tanning bed when I farted- only it wasn’t JUST a fart. Out of my ass, in addition to the smelly fart, was a bright orange colored oil that spread all over the surface of the tanning bed! OMG! Fortuanately for me, the tanning bed place provided a towel to wipe your sweat off (which I promptly used to wipe my ass and the tanning bed off with it!) Now- this towel had the orange colored oil ALL over it and it smelled horrible (as you can imagine). What was I to do with this offensive thing? Well- what any quick thinking girl would do- opened the door to another unoccupied room and threw it in there so as to not get caught! Needless to say- I never showed my face at that Tanning Salon again!
Well, It was more like a shard than a fart. I’m on the operating table, ( not the board game) butt naked anyway except a towel covering my crotch area, scared to death cause they are fixing to cut my chest open. So I’m waiting for the drugs to make me sleepy sleepy.. I can only see the surgical nurses eyes due to their masks. But I can tell they are the surgical nurses that you might find in a special addition Playboy. All of a sudden I feel the urge… But for some reason poo comes out. ( very liquidly ) poo at that. I’m embarressed for exactly 2 seconds, then the anathesia kicks in and I’m out!
Only you Mrs. Glenn could get so many people to tell their fart stories! Bravo!
I was working as a TA last semester, and while giving a lecture on the Bill of Rights in an 1113 government class, I had a walking fart pop out. So, I did what any American would do. I gave this dirty looking dude in the front row the stink eye so everyone would think it was him and moved on with the lecture. Due process, people. Due process.
I finally feel amongst people like myself. I, like others, have tons of terrible fart stories but this one is the most memorable.
I was in the 7th grade and I went to swim camp. The first night we had to go and “introduce” ourselves to a stranger. The cutest boy at swim camp sat next to me!….I know, right!…so he was asking me questions and I was giving really cute answers…The counselor then invited us to “introduce” each other the hottest boy ever stood and said “This is Amy….at that moment I ripped the most terrible, smelly, and horrible sounding fart EVER!….I promptly looked at the girl seated next to me and said “gross”..No one fell for it and for the remainder of swim camp I was known as “fart girl”….that humiliation is worth at least $50.00…Thanks!
I was at work. I was standing around with a group of girls chatting about whatever. I moved and released the loudest, most horrific sound that has ever come from my body. I know my eyes about bulged out of my head. There was no hiding who the sound came from. I wanted to die. I muttered a horrified “Oh my God, excuse me” and slithered away from the group. I wanted to die. What I’m not sure they knew was that the sound did not come from my back side. It came from my VAGINA. No shit. How does that fucking happen in a group setting? I wanted to quit my job.