I don’t like being naked. Not even for a minute. I hate looking in the mirror at myself. The thought of it NOW makes me shudder. It’s always been like this. Even when I feel skinny.
Me + naked = OH MY GOD PUT SOME CLOTHES ON WOMAN!
So that’s what I do. I jump out of the shower, towel off as quickly as possible and then hurriedly pull on jeans and the first shirt I see–dirty, clean, it doesn’t matter. At least I’m dressed.
But yesterday I did something outside my comfort zone. I forced myself to stand in my closet in front of the full length mirror and observe. (I’m getting hives just thinking about it)
I was wearing a bra and underwear and I just stood there. I studied the front. And then the side. And then the… OH MY GOD IS THAT WHAT MY ASS LOOKS LIKE???!!!
Just then, Tommy walked in. The horror. Oh the HORROR!
I gasped and covered myself.
He laughed and said, “What are you doing? And why aren’t you dressed?”
See. He knows me.
“I’ve gained ten pounds since Christmas and I just wanted to see what grotesque looks like with my own eyes.”
“You’re so ridiculous. You’re not grotesque. Personally I can’t see where you’ve gained weight.”
“Of course you say that. You have to say that. It’s like in our marriage contract.”
“No. I’m serious. You look fine.”
If one word should be forever banished from the English language it’s the word FINE. (see also MOIST, PHLEGM, OINTMENT and LOVER)
“Don’t say that. I don’t look fine. I look awful. My jeans don’t fit, I need a permit to haul my ass around, and my thighs rub together so much that I’m afraid I’m going to start a fire.”
Rolls eyes.
“Oh. You don’t believe me??? Look!”
And then I proceed to squish and shake my trouble spots RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM. It’s like I’ve gone mad.
He holds his hands up and closes his eyes. “OK. OK. Make it stop!!”
Gasp.
“See?! I told you. Grotesque.”
“Maybe you should just work out more.”
“Maybe I should stab you in the throat.”
“You look fine.”
“Don’t look at me.”
“It’s kinda hard not to. You practically take up the whole closet now.” Runs off laughing.
Asshole.
I feel like I should take up smoking or doing drugs. You know, to lose weight.
PS. I told Tommy my plan just now and he said that’s the worst idea I’ve ever had. Worse than getting a mullet haircut in 1985? I think not.
PPS. Was told that God didn’t invent clothes. That somehow Adam and Eve fucked things up for us and that’s why we have clothes. I’m so confused.
PPPS. Am getting calls from drug dealers offering to help me lose weight. Who says drug dealers are bad? These guys have all been really nice. And one of them even takes credit cards. That’s what I call progress.
PPPPS. You should go over to Aiming Low today and read my post about infomercials.
I abhor being naked. Things jiggle when spanxless. It’s just not right.
I, too, had been feeling a little down about my weight gain. Since I’m on the smaller side of the height chart, (I claim 5’4″ like Tom Cruise claims 5’9″), every pound shows.
My husband bought me a Pilates reformer for Christmas,not voluntarily but because I asked for one. If he had bought me exercise equipment without being prompted, he definitely would have been stabbed in the throat. But, I love this thing! It looks like a medieval torture contraption and feels like it, too. But, 30 minutes later all those jiggly places, abs, thighs butt, triceps feel so much tighter and I feel a lot better when I’m eating the cookie dough straight out of its wrapper like a fudgesicle. Love the Pilates machine.
Also, crotch and creamy should be banned words, especially when said together.
Hey, I like the word lover. But only when it’s pronounced Luv-ahh. Like the girls in Sex in the City used to say. Thanks for the funny post.
I don’t understand the women in the gym locker room who will stand around and have big long conversations while naked! And these aren’t the hot ones. These are people without “ah-hem” grooming (yes I look – I mean, if they are just going to stand there) and big bellies and droppy boobs. ?. Their husbands must love them. Mine never sees me naked. How did they get so carefree?
I feel for Tommy…you put him in a hell of a position ti would have only been worse if you asked him the all too famous “Does my butt look big in this?” You know the answer to your own questions in advance why why poor Tommy? He just wants to get laid, he doesn’t want have to be laden with a maze of questions that are like something out of an Indiana Jones movie. One wrong answer and poisonous darts go at his throat, another wrong answer and that giant boulder of anger comes rolling down to crush him.
Here is what you do Shauna if you need honest answers you go over to a girlfriends house. You share a bottle of wine and then get naked together. Stand side by side, back to back, and front-to-front as close as possible for comparison. Take pictures of it all and then post them here for us to judge and offer a professional unbiased opinion. No need to thank me in advance for this suggestion. Its brilliance alone is thanks enough!
(hehe)
I’m also a hater of the word “fine.” I hear “you look fine,” or in response to how’s dinner, “it’s fine.” And, translate to what the person really means, “gross, bad, not good.” Can we write Webster’s and get fine taken out of the dictionary?
Helpful hint: if you stab him, use an icicle because the evidence melts. Or a Dorito…you can eat the evidence…because I’ve *heard* you can get the munchies after *stabbing* just like after taking drugs. (I think the drug dealers might be overselling the weight loss aspect of their *product* like the infomercial people.) But the icicle is calorie free, so I’d still go with that as Plan A
ME TOO! I can’t stand being naked!
Oh, and God DID create clothes… Gen 1:21 And the LORD God made for Adam and for his wife garments of skins, and clothed them.
Add ‘nice’ to the list, it makes everythiing sound anything but, as in ‘nice butt’………..
And being 6mths pregnant make me duck when I walk past mirrors. *Shudder*
I hate “fine”. It makes me stabby. And with “lover” or “make love”, I’m puking in my mouth I’m so disgusted.
On my brother’s behalf, I thank you for not including pictures:).
NU
I don’t like being naked either. I try really hard to shower in the daark, but the man always comes in and flips on the light to use the bathroom and then leaves it on! I’m like “Hey! Don’t you know I’m hiding from myself!” He just doesn’t understand.
I don’t intend to be the one with the Bible, but you were correct. God did make clothes (after Adam and Eve screwed the pooch and tried to do a little bikini action with some leaves).
Genesis 3:21 “Unto Adam also and to his wife did the LORD God make coats of skins, and clothed them.”
So you rock, even when you don’t realize it.
I’m on ur blog, testing ur commentluv.
Maria´s last blog ..lived in
“Maybe I should stab you in the throat.”
This is so totally something I say to my hubby whenever he pisses me off. LOL
Mary Jo´s last blog ..MeMe-a-GoGo
Normal Uncle, thank you for the thought but I have already seen my daughter naked. She was about 3 days old the first time. I’ll never forget it.
dad
This made me laugh. Thank you for that.
Shannalee´s last blog ..this is how I see it
“maybe I should stab you in the throat” HAHAHAHAHA!
Shannon´s last blog ..A Little Quiz
PS I hate the word “vagina” … but strangely, I come here anyway…
Shannon´s last blog ..A Little Quiz
Well, my fine moist lover, hand over the phlegmy ointment.
Avitable´s last blog ..Woman’s Last Stand