Last week we had record snowfall. 12 inches in one day. You may be thinking “that’s no big deal,” and if you live in… oh I don’t know… A PLACE WHERE IT SNOWS… I would agree with you, but this is North Texas. We don’t get snow. Like ever. Like when it snows, the cities shut down. Shut Down. Because we don’t have the tools, equipment, machinery, the know-how…. to deal with it. It tops the news, there’s 24-hour Winter Weather Blast team coverage on all the major networks, it even breaks into shows like Grey’s Anatomy, for updates.
It’s all very dramatic.
It reminded me of the summer of 1980.
I was ten years old and at day camp. If you don’t know, day camp is the place your parents send you to while they’re working BECAUSE THEY HATE YOU.
I don’t have a ton of brain space dedicated to memories of day camp–probably because I’ve spent most of my adult life trying to block it out–but I do remember this. One fateful day I didn’t get to eat my lunch.
And as you already know, food is VERY important to me.
It’s not like my camp counselor threw my lunch away as some way of torturing me. No. She took my lunch and threw it in the trash bin BECAUSE THERE WAS MAYONNAISE ON MY SANDWICH.
You see, this particular day, June 26th, 1980, the temperature reached 113. A hundred and thirteen fucking degrees.
And my counselor (being most responsible for her 18 years) was worried (I was the only weirdo whose mom put mayonnaise on her bologna sandwich) that I might get botulism.
She gave me a package of cheese crackers to replace my sandwich, but still, that memory sticks out in my mind forever as The Day I Didn’t Get To Eat.
But this story isn’t about the weather, or my parents sending me to day camp, or my lack of sandwich intake.
It’s about mayonnaise.
I love mayonnaise. But… and this will shock you… I didn’t have mayonnaise until I was an adult.
And do you know why?
BECAUSE MY MOTHER PASSED OFF MIRACLE WHIP AS MAYONNAISE.
This is a completely true story.
I grew up thinking Miracle Whip was mayonnaise when in fact it’s nothing LIKE mayonnaise. And that’s because Miracle Whip is totally disgusting.
But me? I didn’t even KNOW about the yummy that is mayonnaise because I was tricked into believing I was already eating it.
So that sandwich back in June of 1980? Did not contain mayonnaise at all. Nope. It was slathered in the impostor “salad dressing” known as Miracle Whip.
You know Miracle Whip is the work of the devil, right? Says so right on the label. 1/2 THE FAT AND CALORIES OF MAYONNAISE
Sacrilege.
Anyway, since my early twenties (when I was let in on “the secret”) I’ve never looked back.
Well, except for when I go to my mom’s for dinner.
We were over there not too long ago and she’d made my spinach dip recipe. I took a bite and knew immediately that something wasn’t right about it. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it until…
“Mom, what’s different about this spinach dip?”
“Nothing. I followed your recipe exactly. Frozen spinach, Knorr vegetable soup mix, green onions, sour cream, water chestnuts, and mayonnaise.”
That was it. The mayonnaise tasted funny. It was like it wasn’t mayonnaise at all, but its impostor cousin, Ted. I went to the refrigerator and scanned the shelves. A-ha! There it was, right there on the second shelf. Oh you are an evil bastard.
I grabbed the jar and held it up for my mom to see. “This! Is not mayonnaise, Mother. How many times do I have to say this?”
“Oh, I know you say that. But it tastes exactly the same to me. I’ve been using it for years.”
“Yes, I’m aware that you’ve been using it for years because you tricked ME into believing it’s mayonnaise. And also? It tastes NOTHING LIKE MAYONNAISE. Have you ever even tasted mayonnaise?”
She laughs. “Of course! I eat mayonnaise all the time. I just like the taste of Miracle Whip better. And it’s less fattening.”
Wha, wha, what? There’s no fucking way it tastes better. This is not even up for discussion. Mayonnaise is the nectar of the gods. Miracle whip is made from the gism of a cow. True Story.
I looked deeper into the refrigerator hoping against hope that she had “real” mayonnaise. Holy gold mine, I found it. Way in the back, behind the jam and pickles, was the teeniest jar of mayonnaise you’ve ever seen. Seriously, it was travel size. (which is actually a really good idea)
I pulled it out, unscrewed the tops of both jars and then grabbed a couple of spoons. I scooped some of each on the spoons and handed them to her. “Here. Taste this and tell me one’s not better than the other. If you still tell me that you think Miracle Whip is better than mayonnaise, I’ll shut up about it.”
She tasted each one and made a face. “I like Miracle Whip better.”
Clearly she is Satan’s spawn.
Mayonnaise eaters of the world UNITE!
PS. After that record breaking day in 1980 every retailer in town sold T-shirts that read, “I survived the summer of 1980.” I’m not even making this up.
PPS. There’s no way Miracle Whip is better than mayonnaise.
PPPS. I don’t think you could even get botulism from leaving your sandwich in a hundred degree heat. But when it gets hot again, I will try it. If I can make my own botulism than I can use it as Botox and shoot myself in the face with it.
PPPPS. That last thing probably isn’t a good idea. But I’m known to Speak Before I Think.
PPPPPS. Oooh. New T-shirt slogan perhaps?
(1) I remember that summer – people were cooking eggs on the sidewalk. (2) My friend from Texas carries mayo and ranch dressing in her purse. (3) My husband is from South Carolina and he likes to put mayo on his Chinese food. You people from the South are messed up.
I like Miracle Whip better than mayonnaise. I know this isn’t a popular preference, and you might even delete my comment for saying so, but I have to stick up for Miracle Whip. I like it’s sweetness. I like it’s tanginess. And, yes, I like that it’s the Diet Mayo. BUT…I would never try to pass it off as mayo. Because I know better. Mayo people won’t be fooled. Plus, I would just be wasting it on people who wouldn’t appreciate the Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip.
Jen O.´s last blog ..Smell-O-Vision was NOT invented specifically because of days like today.
Jen,
I would never delete your comment. You are entitled to your own opinion. Even if you are wrong.
xo
I prefer Baconnaise.
Avitable´s last blog ..A Pessimist’s Guide to Living Alone
Mmmm. Bacon makes everything better.
I’m waiting for bacon flavored gum.
Dude, they actually DO make bacon flavored gum. Sadly, it tastes like refried asshole on a stick.
http://www.mcphee.com/shop/products/Bacon-Gumballs.html
My father was a HUGE fan of miracle whip, because he grew up poor and that’s what they could afford. My mother, when they were first married, brought home a jar of Hellman’s from the grocery store. My father balked and complained. “That stuff sucks.” My father refused to even try it. And then he did, and proclaimed Miracle Whip disgusting and they never bought it again.
I have to agree with Jen O. Miracle Whip all the way!! Well, cept with french fries, then it has to be mayo, mixed with ketchup of course. Am I wierd?
holy cow ketchup mixed with mayo on fries is SO good!
Go Team Mayo! REAL mayo, that is. Miracle Whip is too sweet and not even close to the same texture. My husband grew up eating Miracle Whip and I have managed (through evil trickery and hypnosis) to convert him to REAL mayonnaise. Ha! I win!
Kylie´s last blog ..Word nerd
Well done.
Shauna, I am SOOOO sorry that you were fooled for all those years. Its really cruel that your mother tried to make you think Miracle Whip was the same as Mayo! Even Lite Mayo (which I DON’T like either) is better than Miracle Whip. And what kind of name is Miracle Whip? Who are they trying to kid??? I mean, can you imagine a Chick-Fil-A sandwich without Mayo?? It’s just not the same- I can tell you from experience.
Christen´s last blog ..Oh, it’s a lovely holiday with Mary…
Sorry, girl… I have to disagree with you on this one. Miracle Whip is THE BOMB!!! I grew up on it, too, and to this day, CANNOT AND WILL NOT, eat tunafish that is not made with Miracle Whip!
Mmmm…
I can stomach real mayonnaise on burgers and stuff, but still prefer the “sweetness” of MW. There’s nothing better than an old-fashioned bologna, velveeta cheese and miracle whip sandwich
I think I will try it on my Chick-Fil-A sandwich next time… with extra pickles, of course
MMMM that sammich sounds delish! my favorite!
Did you know that you can make mayonaise? It can be tricky and we’ve botched it and had to start over, but OMG it is SO much better than anything you can buy in the jar.
And Miracle Whip is N.A.S.T.Y.
Make your own mayo? What are we, savages?
I’m WAY too lazy to make my own mayonnaise. Next thing you’ll want me to do is make my own bed. No thank you.
OH MY GOSH MY MOM DID THE SAME THING TO ME!!! Sorry to yell, but I was reading this post and started having flashbacks to childhood. I first tasted mayonnaise when I was 17 and worked at Subway. It was then that I found out that my whole life had been one big lie. Mayonnaise is SO MUCH BETTER than Miracle Whip. I can’t believe I wasted so many years of my childhood on such a lesser condiment…if you can even call it that. I mean, even our tuna was mixed with Miracle Whip! Who does that???
Sounds like we need a recovery group.
I agree Miracle whip = Satan’s jizz. Just plain NASTY. My hubby used to use it, not even our toddlers would touch his nasty sandwichs…Maybe there was a plus side to it. But who wants to sacrifice taste buds in order to eat a whole sandwich? Not me!!!
Beth´s last blog ..A few of my favorite things
There are very few people in this world with the talent to take a blog post started about record snowfall and turn into an argument for why mayonnaise is better than Miracle Whip. I prefer to skip the calories of BOTH mayonnaise and Miracle Whip and just put mustard on my sandwiches instead. Let the lynching begin.
Becky Mochaface´s last blog ..All By Myself
It’s amazing how my brain works, yes?
Uh, yeah, Miracle Whip is *actually* made from the scrotum sweat of prison inmates and the left over parts in slaughter houses. I strongly believe it is borderline child abuse to trick your chil’ren into believeing Miracle Whip is Mayo. It’s just plain wrong. And disgusting.
Miracle Whip is HORRIBLE! Mayo Rules!
AmyLK´s last blog ..Autism and Lego’s
Miracle Whip IS made from the gism of a cow. It is so gross. The first and last time I had ever had it, I was at someone else’s house. I didn’t know that it was Miracle Whip, I thought the mayo had gone bad. I have never eaten it again. GAG!!
I survived that summer in Fort Worth (but got no T shirt). In fact that is why I now live 1800 miles north of FW. That was hell! Mayo or MW. Who cares! Mustard rules.
NU
I also prefer Mayo…as in Hellmans. But after reading this sentence “Miracle whip is made from the gism of a cow.” I will fo’ sho’ never eat Miracle Whip again. And by the way you won’t get botulism from eating a spoiled sandwich that has been sitting in the heat…you will get Salmonella. True story..it happened to me because of my evil aunt that made me eat a spoiled bologna and mayo sandwich!!! And I was 3!
YES!!! Finally someone who feels the same way as my Mom and I do. We would put mayo on everything if it wouldn’t get us kicked out of peoples homes and gawked at by almost evrybody!!
It is the best condiment on the planet and by the way it is really good mixed with ketchup for french fries and other things!!
So I like miracle whip much better as a whole… I love me some mayo though on turkey sandwiches. Turkey and mayo are the bomb! My tuna though? It needs miracle whip.
Mary Jo´s last blog ..GTT – Valentine’s Day, meh.
I’m with Becky Mochaface… I’m all about mustard. Preferably guldens, or something spicy if available. Reading the comments was making my stomach turn…. But probably because I have a stomach bug.
The freaky weather part of this post- hilarious! I live in upstate NY, and most of my friends in the south have had more snow than me this winter. Which is awesome, because I HATE DRIVING IN SNOW. I would love to be in a southern state where y’all have brains and close shit down when there’s like 2 inches of snow forecast.
Wikipedia never lies – “There is a misconception that foods like potato salad can make a person sick if left out in the sun, due to the mayonnaise spoiling. This is false; the pH of mayonnaise prevents harmful bacteria from growing in it.”
So take that stupid camp counselor. I bet Miracle Whip doesn’t have a helpful pH. You know why? Because it’s EVIL. Sickly-sweet EVIL.
Mbonn´s last blog ..This is why I’m hot…or ya know, not.
Mmmmmmmm Miracle Whip…Love it! with chicken and dill relish…Yummmm.. Your mom is hot!
Ken´s last blog ..They Never Die Quietly
I hate mayonnaise more than anything – except maybe beets. The taste and texture, the look and smell… BLECH! I do use it in tuna salad but only because you kinda have to. It totally makes me gag just taking it out of the jar. Which is why I have now switched to the squeeze bottle and I make my 3-year-old daughter squeeze it into the bowl and stir it. When I was a kid, my mom used to make me eat cole slaw (which contains the 3rd nastiest thing on the planet, cabbage!) and I swear it came back up EVERY TIME. I HATE MAYO!!!
… But I love your blog.
Shannon´s last blog ..Groundhog Day?
Where’s the botox pictures?
MommaKiss´s last blog ..I’m just trying to help.
ayo is the best… and it HAS to be Hellmans… don’t try and use a store brand…
What was it with mom’s in the 60′s-70′s… they all tried to push miracle whip like it was mayo….
Miracle whip…FAIL.
My father grew up in a amiracle whip family & never knew of mayonnaise until he was married to my mom. My mom HATES the Whip.
I grew up having both, and theere are some sanwiches or salads the Whip is good for, but good ‘ole mayo is delish every time.
I LOVE mayo also and chipotle mayo is to die for, TO DIE FOR I tell you.
Sadie at heyMamas
Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..My funny valentines
I’m on TEAM Mayonnaise!
And snow in Texas is totally unheard of and I hate it when the news cuts in to good shows to tell us that it’s raining/snowing/windy. Because really, we couldn’t gather that information by looking out our window. Now put Grey’s back on damn it!
AmazingGreis´s last blog ..Waiting for Lion…
1. I remember being at camp on that horrid day although I think I was stuck in covered wagons out at Camp Timberlake.
2. Amen on REAL food. My mom does this all the time – disgusting! Margarine instead of butter, Miracle Whip instead of mayo, Velveeta instead of real cheese. And she is SO insistent that it is the SAME thing. I can’t let her near my kitchen.
A Sandwich Just Isn’t A Sandwich Without The Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip
I used to date a girl who actually would make peanut butter and Miracle Whip sandwiches. Needless to say we are no longer together.
Eh, I so grew-up on Miracle Whip and hate it soooooo much! I only buy a small jar when my mom is in town, then throw away the unused after she leaves. I can no longer eat my mom’s potato salad or deviled eggs….cuz they are made with that sick shit. Miracle Whip should be banned.