This weekend I’m going to NYC. It’s like my second most favorite place in the world. My first would be Nordstrom’s shoe department. True Story.
Anyway, one thing I always look forward to doing in NYC is buying a hotdog from a street vendor. Please don’t even try and understand why this makes me so happy. You’ll blow your brains out. Just accept the fact that I’m a total weirdo and move on.
It reminds me of something that happened a few years ago.
I was in NYC minding my own business, eating a hotdog. Naturally.
I looked over in the doorway of a building and saw a homeless man holding a sign. It read…HUNGRY, HOMELESS, PLEASE HELP, GOD BLESS YOU.
Immediately I felt guilty. Here was this man, practically STARVING TO DEATH on the streets of NYC, and I’m standing there making moaning sounds as I shovel food in my face. I went back over to the vendor, bought another hotdog (I felt the need to tell him it wasn’t for me. He totally didn’t believe me. I was like *for real* dude, and then I swear he made pig noises, or it could’ve been my imagination) and a cup of coffee.
I went over to the homeless man, smiled, and handed him the hotdog.
him: “What’s this?”
me: “It’s a hotdog. I want you to have it.”
He unwraps the dog and looks at it.
him: “I’m a vegetarian.”
me: ????
So let me get this straight. You’re HUNGRY but you have MORALS?
me: “Do you want me to take the wiener off and you can just eat the bread?”
He makes a face.
him: “No thank you. I *will* take the coffee though.”
I handed him the coffee and took back the hotdog. Great. What was I supposed to do with it now? It wasn’t like I could eat it. The hotdog vendor would totally see me and think I was lying about it not being for me. Stupid judgy hotdog vendor.
I didn’t really know what to do then so I just stood there and watched as the homeless man stood up, walked over to the corner, and BEGAN DIGGING THROUGH THE TRASH CAN.
So the moral of the story is…Vegetarians are gross and will eat your discarded bagel and schmear.
The End.
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{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
Some homeless beggers have very high standards too. A few months ago I dropped a nickel in the cup of one of the “homeless” guys I walked by every day on the way to work and the b*st*rd took it out of the cup and threw it at me. Apparently he was insulted I only gave him a nickel. I’ve offered to buy food for some and used to give money all the time until I saw a “homeless” guy get into a Mercedez at the end of the day.
I almost admired the homeless guy I saw the other day with a sign that said “Please help me get drunk.” At least he was honest.
Dirty water dogs rock adn the homeless man doesn’t have to understand.
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Guess you could have shared some wine with him instead of coffee.
Hi Shauna,
First time commenter here. I love your blog. You’re a girl after my own heart. I love the same things, wine and cocktails, griping about kids and husbands and wine and cocktails.
We were at a carnival once, (because we’re carny people, I guess) and my husband and I were sharing an enormous candy apple. We couldn’t finish it and I was just about to dump it in the trash when this Carny yelled from his ride, “Hey, I’ll take that!” He went to town on this saliva-laden apple. It was appalling. I don’t even think a homeless person would do that.
Also, I tend to have a voracious appetite when I’m pregnant and sometimes when I’m not. I always make my husband order the extra food, you know, so it looks like he’s the pig.
Shouldn’t his sign at least have said, “No Meat” ?? That’s too funny.
I’m with you on ordering food from street vendors. Makes me ridiculously happy.
you didn’t tell what you did with he 2nd dog?
real women eat pork products. eat all the hotdogs you want.
That’s gross and hilarious!
1. Hot dogs taste best on the street. Everyone knows that.
2. You made that up. Totally didn’t happen.
3. Of course, if it could happen to anyone, it’d happen to you, so… Did that really happen?
4. Hahahahahahahaaha! Even if you totally made that up, it’s still awesomely hilarious.
5. “Awesomely” is too a word.
That is completely unreal. In Philly you could have just gone with the safest bet and bought him a soft pretzel. NOM!!
at least he said “no thank you” *shrug*
guess he really wasn’t THAT hungry….
recently, some co-workers and i were out for lunch. a homeless man is standing outside of the restaurant when we’re leaving. he’s asking for money for food. i say “here, have my leftovers (untouched cheese quesadillas)” he opens the box, and says “i can’t eat this – i have no teeth” and tries to shove it back in my hands! it was cheese and tortilla! my grandmother can eat a burger with her gums! i was so angry i shoved the box of food back at him and said “if you’re so hungry, you’ll figure it out!” and left.
that makes no sense- the homeless here would eat a small child- vegetarian or not.
I love NYC hotdogs from the cart vendors. YUMMY!!!!
Will you be at BlogHer in August, we’ll totally have to have a hotdog together.
Totally gross. you’d think he’d be grateful for any food.
Hey Tena, how would the homeless guy know if the child was a vegetarian?
Wow. HAHA My husband once saw a homeless man in our town get into a town-car after standing on the street all day. It changed his perspective that’s for sure.
Since there is no way of knowing how honest those begging are, for my $$$$ I prefer to surprise elderly people who are eating out alone. What a trip it is (after I secretly pay their tab & tip), to watch their response when the waiter/waitress tells them that someone has covered their tab. I never blow my cover, that would spoil the fun.
Reminds me of the time I was in Old Town Alexandria. A homeless lady said she was cold. I offered to go across the street to La Madeline to get her one and she accepted as I was half way across I hear, “can you make it a vanill latte, skim, extra foam please?”
Note to homeless in NYC…please ensure your signs are at least fo-net-ik-ally spelled out and or include whether or not you have food aversions, allergies or moral fiber.
Perhaps the reason he is sooo hungry is because he is being too picky?…picky hungry vegitarian homless people in NYC
PS StreetMeat makes me smile…so does NYC!!! Have a great time there.
Having worked in SF I learned it is there are the legit and the scammers, so instead of giving them money or trying to buy them food (which I did and learned my lessons). Every time I got homeless guilt I just sent a donation to organizations that work directly with the homeless. They know the people on the streets and will help in the best way possible.
Great idea!
I would have taken the hot dog. I’m not homeless, but I love hot dogs.
Too funny!!!
Oh yeah, that’s how they roll. the nyc homeless are notoriously picky. Or maybe they just want money for booze. Welcome to NYC (again) baby!
Actually, I think that if you’re sitting begging, and someone gives you food – whether it’s your preference or not – the least you could do would be appreciative and say thank you.
For goodness sake, you’re begging. Begging means asking for charity. You weren’t offered a menu, you were just given the food. If the choice is not having it or having it, then you should take it and say thanks.
And if the person makes a habit of doing it every day – then you might say every so nicely – “I really appreciate this, but I wonder if they do vegetarian sausages?”
Which obviously they don’t, but you’ve managed to say that you’re vegetarian without being ungrateful.
PETA needs to make that their next campaign: I’d rather be homeless and dig through trash than eat meat.