A recent lunch conversation I had with my dad… (after we ordered our food, of course)
Dad: So…how’s everything?
Me: Meh
Dad: What does that mean?
Me: It means that life sucks balls right now.
????
Me: What? You’re fine with me talking about my vagina but you have a problem with “sucks balls?”
Dad: Well… it’s just that when I *read* your language online I pretend it’s not really you, but a 17 year old boy with Tourette’s.
Water comes out my nose.
Dad: You OK?
Me: No. You should warn me before you’re about to say something funny. That could’ve been diet Coke you know. And you know the deal with diet Coke, right?
????
Me: That shit burns.
Dad: I’ll do my best. So, why does life suck balls right now?
Me: You know, I’m really uncomfortable hearing you say “suck balls.”
Dad: Now you know how I feel.
Me: Dad, you know I have to say shit like that. It’s my job. I get paid to say “sucks balls,” “ballsack,” “vagina farts…”
Hands up in surrender.
Me: What?
Dad: I get it. You’ve made a career of perverting the English language. I don’t think I’ve ever been more proud of you.
Me: Awww. Thanks Dad. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said. (I shift uncomfortably in my seat)
Dad: What is it?
Me: My vagina itches.
Sighs heavily and shakes head.
Food arrives.
The End.
I wish my dad and I spent quality time like that together.
By the way, what does it feel like when you shoot wine out of your nose?
ok, I’d have that conversation with my dad probably right after I returned from my condo…on Mars
That is just the funniest conversation ever!!
Hi I came over a while ago from Avitable and he is totally right, this blog is fantastic, very funny.
Best wishes.
I am exceedingly happy that I recently found your blog! Your stories are hysterical!
I’m SO impressed to you scratch an itch on your vagina just by shifting around in your seat. I wonder if that would work for guys as well…
I would say this side of Shauna comes from her mother but if you knew her mother you would know that is not true so I just attribute it to a recessive gene pool, one I obviously did not swim in.
Dad
Um, hockeymandad, if you have a vagina that’s itchy, maybe you have bigger issues than how to scratch it.
Seriously though Shauna, I am jealous that you can have this conversation with your dad. My dad is Irish Catholic. He doesn’t believe in daughters saying vagina, balls or farts. Or pretty much any word that makes me giggle in conversation.
Wow, Shauna, you are an inspiration
I wish my dad would say “sucks balls” because that would be hilarious.
Not only did I laugh my way through this post, I love that your dad actually replied!! If only we could all have this kind of relationship with our dads.
YOU ARE, WITHOUT A DOUBT, THE FUNNNNNNIEST BLOGGER I’VE EVER READ! and i read a crap ton of blogs! yours is the best, though! please keep on writing these hilarious posts – if you stopped, life would suck balls for many of us!
Your dad has to be the best ever. Seriously – you need to do something about that “17 year old with Tourette’s” comment – like make an award out of it – make it look all fancy like a degree or something and frame it and hang it in a prominent location in your house where all guests can’t miss it.
And the recessive gene pool of which he speaks is called “motherhood”.
You make me laugh, a LOT, everytime I read your posts. You are so hilarious.
I am noe convinced that I am not only your normal uncle, but the only normal person to come from that family!
Normal Uncle
Oh my gosh that’s so funny!!! Clearly, your father already has a brilliant daughter! Why would he need a different one?!
Ahhhhh, familial bliss. Good times.
Hilarious conversation.!!
Love your Dads response to this post too.
O.M.F.G. – That post was hysterical. I’m glad I’m home alone, otherwise I would have people wondering why I was laughing like a Banshee while Charlie Rose interviewed David Cameron (British Parliament). Judging by your dad’s reply I see where you get your sense of humor. Thanks Dad!
I want to hate you for making me snort diet coke while reading this, but I am way too addicted to your blog to ever give it up!
picture this:
mom and i in living room playing scrabble, dad in family room watching football with the chair pulled 12 inches away from the screen and the volume as loud as it can go. moms turn to go.
mom (screaming): “HUNNNNNNNNN HOW DO YOU SPELL QUEEF?”
dad: “huh??”
(me, slowly wanting to die)
mom (still screaming): “QUEEF. HOW DO YOU SPELL ITTTTT!”
dad: “Squeeze? S-Q-U…”
mom: “NOOOOOO! QUEEF LIKE FART FROM THE COOTER” (how my mid-60’s mother knows the word cooter, im afraid to find out)
dad (tv put on mute, chair scooted back, and loudly making his way stomping into the living room): “Who queefed? Jen, was that you, you’re gross. stick to burps. you’re good at those. oh, and it’s Q-U-E-E…
me: “game over.”
That is just hilarious. My dad just like to talk about sex and send my hubby porn on his phone. It is quite twisted.
Maybe if you weren’t so overt with your Dad it would be easier for him. For instance instead of saying “life sucks balls” you could use “life is tea-bagging me right now”
Now we know where you get it!
Your dad is great! Is he single?
Now THAT was a funny post. I think my Dad would be beyong horrified if I discussed my vagina or said suck balls in a sentence. Love it!
Sadie at heyMamas
Confucious say: (Stereotypical asian accent)
Man who goes to bed with itchy butt wake up with stinky finga…