The thing about my grandmother is that she’s like the postman… she ALWAYS delivers… in the material department.
About every few weeks I hear this sentence from my mom. “Mimi says she hasn’t heard from you in WEEKS. You should really call her.”
You mean so I can repeat myself over and over again because she can’t hear worth a shit even *with* her hearing aids in? And so by the end of the four and half minute conversation (yes, I’ve timed it because I would swear it was like four and a half HOURS) I’m ready to slit my wrists? But I can’t because Tommy hid the knives from me?
“Sure. I’ll call her,” I say.
Ring. Ring.
Mimi: “Hello?”
Me: “Hey Mim. How are you?”
Mimi: “What?”
Me: “I said, HOW ARE YOU?”
Mimi: “Mighty fine. Who is this?”
Me: “It’s me, Shauna.”
Mimi: “Well hi, Susan. I was just about to call you.”
Me: “No Mim. It’s SHAUNA.”
Mimi: “I beg your pardon?”
Me: “IT’S SHAUNA. YOU KNOW. SHAUNA?”
Mimi: “Shauna? I was just telling your mama that I haven’t heard from you in… now just hold on a second… I wrote it on the calendar… yes… right here… it was January the third.”
Me: “Um. I’m sorry Mim. I’ve just been crazy busy.”
Mimi: “No. I’m not dizzy. I’ve been feeling pretty good. Just my feet burn all the time.”
Me: “Your feet burn?”
Mimi: “I beg your pardon?”
Me: “I SAID I WILL BRING THE KIDS TO COME SEE YOU SOON.”
Mimi: “Hey listen, Shauna. You think Obama will get elected for a second term?”
Me: “As if you’ll be around to find out.”
Mimi: “Yeah. She sure is beautiful.”
?
At this point I look at the clock. We’ve just topped five minutes. And then I begin to reason why it’s OK to open a bottle of wine at 3:42 in the afternoon. That old saying, “it’s 5 o’clock somewhere” plays on repeat in my head. And I decide it’s totally fine. And then the saying “what would Jesus do” confirms my decision. I mean Jesus would absolutely be turning water into wine at this point in the conversation. And I always say you HAVE to listen to Jesus. He *is* Jesus after all.
So after Jesus practically demanded that I start drinking I attempted to continue talking to my 86 year old, beyond words, precious grandmother.
Me: “So, other than your burning feet, are you OK?”
Mimi: “Huh?”
Jesus. Please help me.
Me: “Alright Mim. I love you. I will come see you soon. Feel free to call me too, OK? I mean, your fingers work, right?”
Mimi: “I beg your pardon?”
(Seriously, the woman is made of nothing but southern politeness)
Me: “I SAID I LOVE YOU.”
Mimi: “Well, darlin. I love you too.”
And then I hear what sounds like an aluminum can opening. Do I even ask? Well yes, I suppose I do.
Me: “So. You having a beer?”
Mimi: “Shauna Rae. Don’t you get smart with me. I waited til 4 o’clock.”
Funny. She heard *that* perfectly fine.
Me: “Yes ma’am. I wouldn’t dare get smart with you. Well… just don’t drink and drive.”
She laughs then.
Mimi: “I haven’t driven a car in 5 years and 4 months.”
I swear to God she has that written on her calendar. (this shit just writes itself)
Also? She seems to hear better once she’s started drinking. Which I find both respectable and awesome.
Me: “Alright. I gotta go do homework now. I’ll talk to you soon.”
Mimi: “OK, Susan. Talk to you later.”
See? I’m telling you. I couldn’t make this up if I wanted to. I’m not *that* good a writer.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Hee hee! Awesomeness. I’ll betcha she was sitting in a rocker while you had that conversation.
You are awesome! That is all! Except, thank you!
too funny! this is pretty much the way my MOM is now! I feel your pain!! =0D
Obviously the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
An 86 year old woman cracking a beer at 4 PM? That is strong.
for christmas this past year(which also happens to be my grandmother’s birthday) i bought her a calendar…just so she could keep track of our calls…they flow the same way…you dont’ think…well it would be proposterous….nah!
anyhow, i often find that repeating everything she says after she says it while practicing my accents works great for a time-passer-byer….and the wine at 3:42 pm is totally acceptable…not only is it 5pm somewhere…11:00am is the legal time to serve alcohol after…so you are totally lagging behind the drunks (and by hours)…look at all your restraint! you should be knighted or sainted or whatever happens to people…
Your Mim rocks! I like a woman that’ll have a beer at 4. It’s beer thirty.
OMG. Laugh out loud funny. She’s sounds a bit like my grandmother (“Don’t you get smart with me!” Aren’t grandmothers the best? (So sorry about Alex and her poor family. Extra hugs for my kids tonight.)
THANK YOU!!! I look to you to provide the happy in my morning. You did not fail me today…
Jesus had the ability to turn water into wine just by touching it so why wouldn’t he drink in the middle of the afternoon. Seriously, if the rest of us had that ability I’d go touch the water cooler in the breakroom so people would relax already.
This is completely adorable. I love it.
5 O’CLOCK!!!!? Hell, it’s a good day if I make it to 12:01pm with out popping a cork of one kind or another!!! Also, you made me miss my Gram, so I blame you and Jesus for this…*pop*, *pour*, *sip*, *smiiii-lllle*
I want to invite you and your Grandma over for cocktails some time. You both sound like firecrackers.
That is awesome.
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OK – your Grandma and mine are the same woman. I mean, we’re not related or anything (cause that would mean you’re one seriously white Mexican chick), but my Grandma and I seem to have the same discussions and she too becomes more coherent after a few beers. Cheers!
That’s truly hilarious Susan!
I need to call Mimi…what is her number…and I am wearing an adult diaper