I’m pretty sure I was dropped on my head as a baby

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So there’s this website called Twitter. I don’t know if you’ve heard about it or not because it’s so new and almost no one goes there, but it’s a place where you can post random thoughts…or your grocery list…or the cute things your cat did…or what you ate for lunch. It’s like the most fascinating stream of consciousness ever.

Me? I’m more of a random thought poster.

I recently read through my profile and couldn’t believe some of the shit I’ve tweeted. It’s almost like I’m drunk when I do it. Or just slightly off in the brain region. Or both.

Here are some highlights (or documented verification of my impending committal in the nuthouse. *No offense to actual nutjobs, er, I mean crazy people).

*I’m pretty sure I could live the rest of my life on cake batter and Pinot Grigio.

*Chump Day: it’s like Hump Day but with bigger assholes.

*I must say I was happier when I thought Canuck was a derogatory term. You Canadians ruin everything.

*PSA: Don’t send your husband to the craft store to get paint pens. He’ll come back with glitter and a half eaten Snickers.

*My son just got the worst haircut. He looks like a 4 year old pedophile.

*Question: Is it *absolutely* necessary to shower before going to the mall? I mean, I wouldn’t want to flaunt my good hygiene. That’s bitchy.

*I talk about farting & gain followers, but I say how I’m like Jesus with a vagina & *lose* followers. What do you people have against Jesus?

*It’s always funny til you shit your pants.

*A 15 year old boy just hit on me. I feel dirty yet flattered. I might need to lie down.

*My 14 yo daughter to me: “what homo writes a song about fireflies?” (I think my job here is done)

*Why *DO* people wait to get in their cars to pick their nose? You know you’re not invisible right?

*In front of my mother I made a comment about a hot, younger guy. She said, “You sound like one of those coyotes.” You mean COUGAR?

*Here’s the thing, I was born with a fully functioning half Chimp brain and I think Grey’s Anatomy is the stupidest fucking show EVER.

*Hey dude in Corvette–why does your license plate say Hot Jock? Was Small Wiener taken?

*I love that my 4yo son and I have such an open relationship that he feels comfortable telling me his VAGINA hurts.

*Most days I regret my decision to not go to clown college. Might as well get paid for being a fucktard. *nooffense to actual clowns*

*Since the removal of my uterus, I’m feeling smarter. I think it’s clear now that it was the thing holding me back all along.

*I think It’s OK to makeout with your friends if it’s for medicinal purposes only. You’ll be like the Florence Nightingale for perverts.

*Nothing says “American family” like a Filet-O-Fish from McDonald’s for dinner. God Bless Us Everyone.

*I just ate half a bowl of cake batter. The bad news? It only made 8 cupcakes. The good news? I’m pretty sure I had an orgasm.

*When I’m tired I serve tortilla chips and french onion dip for dinner. I like that about me.

*The lady in front of me on the plane is eating a boiled egg. I feel like I’m sitting in a box of farts.

*Email exchange b/t me and my husband: Him: Did you know your account is overdrawn? Me: Wanna see my boobs? Him: No thanks. I’ve seen them.

*I just ate a $13 cheeseburger. I feel dirty on the inside.

*Note to self: When you tell someone you’re easy, you may want to be specific and say that you’re easy to WORK with. WORK WITH.

*Actual headline on MSN: 3 tips on how to grow a killer mustache. Dude, I got this in 1 tip. Become a forty year old woman. The end.

*Tuesday is just a sexier version of Monday, but with fewer suicidal tendencies and better coffee.

…Anyway…I could go on, but I think you get the picture.

In case you’re not following me on Twitter and want to, my handle is @shaunaglenn.

But I will totally understand if you decide NOT to follow me. I mean I wouldn’t follow me and I *AM*ME!

Besides, I hear stupid is contagious. Just sayin.

Hey–go read my post on Aiming Low today. It’s the public service announcement I would make if I was going to make a public service announcement. But I’m not.