Over the last few years I’ve been asked to write bios for different things..websites, social media networks, WRITING JOBS. And so I sit at my computer and think in my brain for the best way to describe me…or my purpose…or what I’m about.
And I’m totally awesome at it. As you shall see. There’s no end to my talents. I mean, I can’t believe I’m not an eleventymillionaire.
Take my bio for LinkedIn. Well, really, it’s a summary of what I do “professionally.”
I wrote “I have no idea what to say here. I’m not a professional. I’m an idiot. The End.”
I think the people who invented LinkedIn are excited I joined. And why wouldn’t they be? I set the bar so high that all the academic members are like “I don’t even *know* how to follow that.”
I totally win.
Then, there’s my Twitter bio. It’s probably the most…hmm….I don’t know the word for it. But! It gets lots of attention.
“Shauna Glenn: writer & mommy blogger who loves wine, talking about vaginas & watching midget porn. oh yeah, i have 4 kids and i’m funny as hell. and smokin hot. just ask me.”
Yeah. So…I’m quite popular…with the Porn Tweeters. It’s awesome. But followers are followers is what I always say. It doesn’t matter that Jim Bob has one hand in his pants as he’s tweeting me. What do I care? It’s America. Land of the free–home of the perverts. Dude. It’s better than CANADA. Am I right?
Then just today I was asked to join a site and form a group. I was like, sure, I can do that. So I went to register and fill out the profile and shit. And there it was. The bio. And I got all nervous. Cuz seriously, ever since I started having to fill out bios I realized I *may* not be so good at them. Or I could be SO good at writing them that I even freak out my own self. Which may or may not be grammatically the correct way to say that. And even that last sentence may not be so goodly written. It doesn’t matter–this post is not about my grammar–even though I’m supposed to be smart at words and sentences and shit. I blame my missing uterus. And the fact that writing bios makes me brain mushy.
I sat there for like four and half minutes trying to come up with the perfect group description. When *that* didn’t happen I settled for this…
“Hi. This is my group. I’m not exactly sure what that means but I think you’re all supposed to bring me presents. Or at the very least, wash my car. I like puppies, rainbows, and square shaped fish. I don’t like clowns or piranhas. Mostly because clowns are scary and piranhas will eat your face off. What I’m trying to say is that I like wine. Welcome to the group. Prepare to be very confused.”
So…I’m thinking I’ll be fired from the *group* before I even understand what it is I’m supposed to be doing in the *group.* Also, I can’t tell you about the *group* until January 20th. As if I’d even know what to say. But! I’m totally excited about it. Whatever it is.
What I’m trying to say is…if you need me to write a short description of you for like a really important job or business opportunity I totally will. Cuz I’m a professional.
No. For real. I am.
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
Can they kick you out of your own group? I mean you started it, it’s yours. Though I guess pirates have the whole mutiny thing. Which means you’re screwed and you could totally be kicked out of your own group and tossed overboard which would suck if you didn’t know how to swim and they didn’t give you a boat which I’m pretty sure pirates didn’t give the people they made walk the plank a boat. So pretty much you’re screwed. Unless this isn’t a pirate group, then you should be fine.
This could totally be a pirate group. Now I’m worried.
You SHOULD totally write BIOS because they have me ROFLMFAO! I would much rather read your type of BIO than some uptight, self-important blah, blah, blah.
Love the blog. Lisa
Wait. I don’t come across as self-important? Clearly, I am doing this wrong.
Can you write one for me? My only requirement is that you use the word “awesome” at least 17 times in 5 sentences in exactly 109 words.
And GO.
OMG. You ARE so good. Why has Obama not contacted you to write his speeches? I have a big meeting on Wednesday where I am to pitch a book idea to an agent and have no idea what in the hell I will be saying and I have a BUNCH of square fish just waiting to be re-gifted and I was wondering if you could just work a little something up for me. It doesn’t even have to be about me. If not. Could I just steal that bit that you wrote for your new secret group?
Steal away, my friend.
Loved this. Especially the Canada part. Ha. I need a new bio? Care to take a stab at it?
Would love to. Send me 5 key words about yourself and I’ll write it.
I have no idea what you just said, but somehow it was hilarious anyway.
Now THAT’S a gift.
I have no idea what I said either, but it appears to be working.
And ummmm what is wrong with CANADA???
Sharon–There’s absolutely nothing wrong with Canada. I love Canada. I love everything about Canada. I totally wish I was from there.
(You Canadians take everything so personally. Figures)
I could totally use a new bio…have at it!
Done. Send 5 things about yourself and I’ll write it.
I was trying to think of something clever to say in an amazing retort to your Canada quip, but I got nothing. It could be because I am Canadian and have an inferior mind. Who knows?
I still think that Canada rocks, though. Woot Canada.
I heart Canada and all you silly Canucks. Don’t worry about having an inferior mind. Focus on the positive. I mean, you all *do* have bacon named after you. Which isn’t really bacon, but ham.
Nice try, Canada.
Oh Shauna, clearly you do not yet know of the brilliance of midget inuit porn, saying ‘eh’ all the time (especially when on the phone with the government, they LOVE that) and how fantastic it is to make fun of Quebec-ers and Newfoundland-ers. Canada is pretty rockin’. Except for the snow. And the cold weather. That sucks baby seal balls.
I had no idea seals had balls. This explains a lot.
My bio would be “I wish I was Shauna Glenn’s BFF” – until you fixed it up w/ vaginal words and stuff.
Been a while, I missed the funny!!
What? We’re *not* bffs?
Inferior minds, eh? Well, I’ll tell you something just as soon as I think of what to tell you. Your blog is still the bestus (sp?) Bestest(?). AG (A Canadian and Texan, currently not living in either place).
I don’t even know what your group is, but I know I want to join after reading that bio! I mean, seriously, Clowns are WAY scary and piranhas will TOTALLY eat your face off.
My five things: Mom to Cortlyn, Wife to Corey, love Georgia, moved-to-freaking-Mississippi, Love to read Aiming Low.
Oh, and I’m certainly joining your group- piranhas are SCARY! I mean, who wouldn’t want to join a group they have no understanding of… isn’t that normal?
The thing about midget porn is that it gives me wrinkles. I sit there so in awe that tiny bodies can hammer at one another so quickly, I scrunch up my forehead in confusion. Midget porn=wrinkles. Moral of the story. .
OMG, totally makes me think of the episode of Surreal Life (don’t judge me, yeah I watched it) when Vern got so drunk he pissed in the corner. Does that count as little people porn?
I’m with you on the clowns and piranah thing, and I think your bios are dead on. You are hilarious and smokin’ hot. So I guess what I’m saying is I’ll totally join your group after Jan. 20th. Even if it is piratical.
I could totally use an updated blog bio. Mine is so boring and motherly. I want something edgey that leaves my reader going who the heck is this person. Can you help me Shauna? Maybe I just need to drink more.
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