For a long time I was a mom to 3 girls. Everything was pink and had a matching bow. There were frilly dresses and quiet coloring time, and obedience.
Then came Ethan.
I never believed people when they would warn me about the differences between boys and girls. I blew them off and thought to myself, they can’t be *that* different. I would like to officially apologize to those people because I totally judged you and assumed you weren’t doing it right.
Ethan, in all his four year old-ness, is a spirited young lad. At any given minute during the day I can find him on a countertop or a tall piece of furniture getting ready to jump. And before I can leap to catch him, he’s on the floor and yelling, “Wow, did you see my big jump? I’m gonna do that again!”
I usually leave the room at that point. I refuse to be a witness when he breaks his leg.
When you’re the only boy in a sea of women, you can’t help but know certain things. Like how to fasten and unfasten a bra (which will come in quite handy one day), how to do the perfect cartwheel, how to draw flowers and hearts and rainbows, and how to properly apply lipgloss without it smudging.
Surely every boy needs to know these things.
What I find to be the most different between girls and boys is the level of difficulty in answering his hard hitting questions. I’m starting to feel like the dumbest person on the planet. Because, I have no answers. In fact, I’d like to know the answers to these questions too. Here are some of his most recent questions and my less than intelligent answers
1. Why do pigs like mud?
*because they’re disgusting and smelly
But why do they like to be dirty?
*Because their mother hates them? I don’t know.
2. Does Batman poop?
*Yes, but only on Thursdays
Oh, is that when he pee pees also?
*No, he pee pees on Mondays
That’s what I thought.
3. What does green mean?
*It’s a color. You know, like blue.
What does blue mean?
*It’s a color. Like red.
What does red mean?
*Go watch TV.
4. Why do cats lick themselves?
*Because they can’t afford to go to the groomer.
What’s a groomer?
*The person who charges cats too much for baths.
5. Why do you wear a bra?
*Because I need to hold my boobs in place.
Will I have boobies like you when I grow up?
*Only if you want to.
I don’t think I want to. They’re kinda big. And I don’t want to wear a bra.
6. Did I come out your belly button?
*Um, no. You came out my vagina.
You say that word a lot.
*Stop reading my blog, OK?
What’s a blob?
*The thing you’re not to read. Got it?
I can’t read. I’m only 4.
*But you stopped eating crayons, so that’s good.
I only eat the blue ones now. Cuz they taste like cookies.
*Don’t eat crayons. They make you grow boobies.
Is that how you got boobies?
*Um…yes.
You shouldn’t have eaten crayons.
See? This question/answer thing is hard, y’all. But I don’t think I’m doing half bad, considering I’m an idiot. Do you?
Just when I think I have learned everything…
Oh Shauna, you make me smile so much. So, my oldest is a boy, and then three girls…so we pretty much wanted another boy when we found out my ovaries of steel had foiled yet *another* contraceptive device. We prayed, hell, we BEGGED the guy in the sky for a boy. My oldest is quiet and soft spoken and well mannered and we thought we could totally do that again. Enter Shawn. My baby. The biggest “boy” on the planet. He digs in dirt, makes holes in the yard, bugs his sisters, thinks farts are hillarious and likes to take apart bugs. Although I don’t get the questions from him much anymore, now that he’s eight whenever we are alone in the car he wants to talk about serious stuff like the reason why bad guys break the law or the history of natives on the reserve near us. Right now though, i have to go as he’s trying to fry himself an egg…in the microwave. Thanks for the giggles today.
My poor dad had the opposite problem – the only man in a house full of girls. He used to say that eating crayons (or dirt, or whatever) would grow hair on our chest. If I ever have a boy I’ll have to remember the grow boobies thing…
Aaaaahahahahahahahahahaha these are hilarious answers!!! I got the boring answers “Because I said so” SNOOOOOOOZE!
Why do cats lick themselves?
Answer: Cuz they can!
Oh and FYI pigs (like elephants) like mud because it helps protect their skin and they are stinky creatures, smart, but stinky.
I need to write those down. I love answering the questions of small children.
When I was 19, I babysat three kids regularly. One of them asked where stars came from.
“See, the sky is actually a big sheet of cloth. Have you ever seen people on TV shooting guns in the air?”
“Yeah!”
“They’re shooting holes in the cloth, then the light behind shines through the cloth.”
“Wow! My dad says that stars are actually big balls of gas burning millions of miles away.”
“Sweetie, if that were true, the stars would burn up all that cloth.”
“Okay. So… what does erectile dysfunction mean?”
“Ask your father.”
Don’t forget to mention that the clouds are really cotton candy for the angels to eat.
Eating crayons gives you boobs? My wife must have lived on Crayola, then.
I need to go and find me a big box of crayons to eat!!! Boobies here I come.
I make ‘em up as I go along too. Sadly, the only answers they will remember are the ones that make you look like a complete idiot, and they will only *remember* that they remember them in front of (a) your mother, (b) your minister, or (c) their religious school teacher. Gots to love em.
Thank you for my lunchtime entertainment. You’re good.
Ummm. Why to people with real avatars have twins on your blog? Sorry. I know I should not ask. I’d be stuck if my blog did this cause I would not know what to do nor have the time to do it. Right now mine’s giving me a little wordpress like picture for my own replies. Cyper stuff is such a pain.
Hahaha! I only realized recently, too, how careful I should be in the answers I give to my kids’ questions. I really wasn’t thinking that clearly when I threatened to call the Ministry of Birthdays and have Aiman’s 5th birthday canceled and he’d have to repeat his 4th year all over again because his behavior was so bad. It wasn’t until last year that my oldest who’d overheard this realized exactly how full of the brown stuff I am! I’ve actually had to break down and tell him (ONLY him) what sex REALLY is and he’s now sworn he’ll never get married. So much for keeping them innocent into their later teen years, eh? But eating crayons making your boobs grow big…..Samiya would be chowing down on crayolas by the boxful. You rule.
I have three daughters and I can totally relate to the first half of your post. My friends all have boys…only boys…and spending any time at their house (when the kids were all young and at home) was excruciating for me. Boys yelling, jumping, pushing, butts busting through drywall, couches losing legs, the whole deal. Stressed me out and they weren’t even mine! I would have like to have had a son, but I’m not sure I could have done it after having the three girls. I’d be too old and my reflexes too slow to deal with that at my age! Kudos to you for being able to adjust!
Oh my gosh I love this. My daughter and two sons are about 10 years apart in age. I completely forgot how different they are with the types of questions that fascinate them. You are spot on!!!
And you get moobs if you eat the burnt umber crayons.
[...] I hear about the intense pride, affection and love that my friends have for their children, I sometimes feel a little tug. A quick grasp on my leg. I look down [...]
never ate Crayons….Loved Elmers though….so yummy delish!
I have great cans though…weird